How To Arouse a Man – A Guide For Women

Arousing your man sometimes involves getting creative and exploring the edges of the forbidden zone.

Now, that sounds enticing, doesn’t it!

But it is true.  I often get queries from my female clients he ask me things like:

“Chris, what can I do to really get my man aroused?”

“I am ready to explore the wild side with my boyfriend, but where do I start?

“Chris, my husband says I don’t do enough to arouse him. I have tried everything and feel like I must be doing something wrong. Help me?”

As you can see from these questions, women are dying to know that else they can do to keep their man happy, even thrilled.

Ah….but the answer to how one facilitates arousal is really not such a simple topic.

And it is not always what the woman does for her husband or boyfriend to create arousal. There is much more involved when we are dealing with the relationship arousal equation.

That is why I have written a 4 post series on this topic.  For example, if you wish, you can check out my latest post on the subject.

https://marriagerecovery.com/how-to-turn-on-your-boyfriend-or-husband/

But today, you are really in luck because first we are going to take you down the path of the Forbidden Zone.

Sounds nasty doesn’t it.

Really it is not!

We are going to keep all of this PG-13!

Then after we travel through this Land where arousal is foremost on the mind of your man, I will walk you through some other very important insights.

After all, you came here looking for advice on how to arouse your man.

So, whether your guy is your husband who is complaining of being bored or a boyfriend that needs a bit more satisfying….we will tackle the topic head on.

Arousing Your Man By Taking Him to The Forbidden Zone

Perhaps we should call this section of the post, “arousing the beast in your man“!

Women feel stimulated when they know their man is highly stimulated and vice versa.  Remember this point. We will come back to this theme a little later.

But let’s get on with your man’s most primal of desires.

It can be very stimulating for both the husband and wife if you are open to exploring new sexual encounters (with each other) and experiences.

I will often tell some of my female clients, “look, you need to try some things you have not done before, but you also need to use a bit of psychology.”

A man sometimes thinks about having sexual encounters with his wife that just might take them to the edge of the Forbidden Zone.

Just him focusing on such thoughts can stir up arousal.  It is like a call to his “primal” self where he thinks in terms of a raw, sweaty, wild and exhilarating sexual encounter.

Of course, it need not be quite that way, but thinking in those terms excites your man.  You can leverage those thoughts.

And if he believes that you too might be thinking about exploring the edges of the “forbidden zone“, that notion can be very exciting to him.

Later we will talk more about why your man thinks this way.  But for now, let’s explore ways in which you can capitalize on his fantasies.

The key is keeping things vague. Less is more.

Allow your husband (or boyfriend) to try and fill in the blanks with his own imagination.  If you are very sly and a tad bit naughty, you can paint a masterpiece of arousal.

You could for example, an hour before he comes home from work, send him a somewhat cryptic text.  Or, you could slip him an envelope for him to discover later.

You could say, “honey,  when you get home, I want us to talk about getting very naughty  tonight”.  Or, you could say, “let’s color outside of the lines when you get home tonight“.  If he responds back for clarification, wait an hour and then send him a pic of something that is mildly suggestive.  But keep it mysterious.

Let it all sink in and slowly build.  This is how arousal in your man takes shape.  It starts in the mind as a sliver of a thought.

What Else Can You Do To Stimulate Arousal?

Certain colors can be highly arousing to a man.  Wearing red, for example, can suggest your readiness, which in turn gets your husband or boyfriend aroused.

But we are not here to simply talk about the influence colors have on your man’s mood.  But if you must know, “black” works as well.

Let’s push the envelope further.

I always like to find new ways to ask the same question.  Often we can get locked into one way of doing things, unless we challenge ourselves to expand our knowledge and experiences.

The act of asking the question, over and over, sometimes can help you find new and creative answers.

If you like what you found here in this post, then go read more of my articles.  You will discover there are many ways in which you can whip up your man into a sexual frenzy.

But I am not through with you yet!  Before you run off, let’s talk about some of the underlying science that speaks to this topic.

So what else do you need to know to be a better wife and companion to your husband (or boyfriend) in the area of sexual intimacy and arousal?

Let’s talk about oxytocin

The more you know about this hormone the better.

It is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter.  Your pituitary gland releases this wonderful chemical.  I have discussed how this brain chemical can influence your love life elsewhere on this website.

But, just in case you forgot what Oxytocin is all about, let me give you a quick crash course!

Oxytocin is a hormone released by the brain and is thought of as a chemical messenger that is important to human behavior.  It contributes to making us feel aroused to a point where even the most subtle of touches or glances can cause us to feel turned on.

Ah…there is that phrase again, “turned on“.

And that is exactly what you came here to learn about.  Even the slightest of touches or even a wayward glance can stir up a chemical reaction within the brain.

Oxytocin enables sexual arousal.  

This amazing love hormone helps us with perceiving things.  

It  enhances our ability to see and experience things more clearly.  

We can grow to trust and confide our deepest of secrets because of the effect it has on us.   Due to the release of oxytocin in our brain, we are able to form the deepest of attachments (bonding).  

Oxytocin is also known to reduce stress and promote relaxation.  

It is like a wonder drug.  

The challenge is figuring out how to naturally produce it because once it is loose within our brain chemistry, we feel a high like no other.

I guess that is why so many people refer to it  the “love hormone” or the “cuddle chemical”.  

Sounds pretty good, don’t you think.  But I think I know what else you are thinking!

You are probably wondering, “How can I get this juice flowing in my mind and in my husband or boyfriend’s mind?”

Good question.  It is not something we can pass out like candy.  Nor can we bake it into a batch of cookies.

There are triggers that cause it to be produced.

So what are these triggers that cause  oxytocin to surge?

I know that is what I would be thinking if I was you.   

Well, let’s talk about that.  Here are some things you can do with and around your lover that have been demonstrated to represent triggers for releasing oxytocin. 

• Hugging
• Smile and laughter
• Prolonged eye contact
• The combination of eye contact and smiling can be very effective
• For Women: Wearing an attractive red dress or outfit signals sexual readiness
• For Men: Wearing red signals power and higher status
• Touching in a very light, subtle manner
• Brisk walking and exercise (endorphins are released)
• Listening to pleasant music
• Singing
• Sharing intimate information
• Giving kindness
• Use a Deeper pitched tone of voice (men)
• Use a Higher pitched tone of voice, but not too high (women)
• Exposing the curvature of your neck, extending a limp wrist, projecting full lips  (women)
• Bringing your man to orgasm 
• Leaning in and empathizing with your man
• Mirroring (where you copy your husband gestures and movements)

Talking is Overrated When It Comes to Arousing Your Lover!

I know!  I know!  It sound almost blasphemous.  I mean there is a whole industry that revolves around pick up lines.

But did you know that words account for only 7% of the communication which ultimately lead to attraction.  So it is not words that your man is hanging on.

But let’s explore this more.  What does it really mean when we say “words” are not the best way to produce attraction and arousal?

Well, essentially, research has revealed that talking is overrated.  

All those pick up lines we hear about usually flame out.  And when you start breaking down and identifying all of the ways in which we communicate and align them with what creates attraction, it’s the non verbal forms of communication that rule the day.

So what does that look like, numbers wise?

It turns out that our tone of voice accounts for 38% and body language (e.g. facial expressions, posture) accounts for about 55%.

Now, it is important to note that this numerical breakdown applies when people are talking about their feelings and levels of attraction for another.  It seems we pick up more cues from a person through non-verbal communication.  

Another interesting thing is that people tend to make up their minds rather quickly as to what they find as attractive.

If something turns you on, it usually happens almost instantly.  And if you are trying to decipher if you are attracted to someone, that does not take very long either. 

It is said that a person usually knows if they are attracted to another within 90 seconds to 4 minutes, once the conversation has started.

So, as you can see, this puts a premium on the first few minutes of whatever you plan to say to optimize attraction levels.

An Arousal Tip: Looking Into Your Husband’s Eyes

There was a very interesting experiment performed by Arthur Arun (Professor of Psychology at the State University of New York) regarding love and attraction.  

He asked his volunteers to find a complete stranger.  Then he told them to do 2 things:

1. Stare into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes without talking
2. Share intimate details about their life for 30 minutes.

At the end of the study, he found numerous subjects had formed a very close bond and felt deeply attracted.  Two of the couples got married.

So, if you are seeking to ignite that spark of arousal in your man, consider peering deeply into his eyes, while sharing something very intimate.

Your Man is Probably an Action First Kind of Guy!

While non verbal communications seems to lead the parade on attraction, I am a pragmatic kind of thinker.  

I figure, “Hey, we all can’t just walk around and not talk much”.

People are always chattering about something. But there are telltale differences in how men and women talk in general.

You will be served by understanding these differences. 

Women tend to talk to connect.

Go to any playground and observe the differences in how boys and girls interact and you will see the girls more often pair off, talking to each other to form a connection.  

The boys will be running around, usually playing rough and tumble games.  The boys will tend to create competitive, combative situations.  

Whereas the girls, while they may be involved in activities, are usually carrying on a more intimate conversation and creating cooperative, social interactions.

Though boys grow up to be men, some things about our nature does not change a lot. Some of our preferences do not grow more sophisticated as we grow older.

Also, men are not known as being as social as women in some respects. They tend to retreat into themselves.  We often literally and figuratively prefer to retreat into our man cave to decompress, then later come out swinging.

Tell Your Man That When He Listens To You – It Turns You On.

Guys are often criticized for not wanting to talk much.  

Don’t be too surprised if your man becomes impatient with listening to you.  In many respects, it is simply how men are wired. Often, your guy would prefer to be on the move, seeking out opportunities, challenges, and solving problems.  

It is a lot like the days when men tracked and hunted game and fought for survival.  

Women tend to talk through their problems, seeking prospective solutions. Men tend to keep them bottled up, internalizing the issue.  

A guy has his cave that he retreats to.  A gal is more inclusive and prefers to talk about the relationship openly and constructively.

Most men tend to have a pretty short attention span.  They like to solve problems. This is how we are programmed.  

If your husband is listening to you discuss an issue you are experiencing,  he is wired to find a way to conquer the problem.  After your husband has offered solutions to your problem he feels empowered and is ready to move on to the next challenge or activity in has in his mind.

But here is the rub.  What most men don’t understand is that if he would slow down and simply listen to you, you will feel safe and supported and loved. So tell him how when he listens to you, it makes you feel a certain way. 

Many women have told me that when their husband or boyfriend really listens to them, it literally turns them on.  Sometimes it is in that very moment.  Sometimes it is later.  But the connection and bond they feel for their boyfriend (or husband) in the moment is unmistakable.  

Time and time again, I have been told that often the best sex women have had with their husband (or boyfriend) was after he patiently listened to what she had to say and offered support.

The Big Disconnect That Douses Out Arousal

Communication between the sexes is the greatest of things and the worst of things.

I realize that is a wide spectrum of outcomes, but I want every couple I coach to understand that communications in a relationship is something that is imperfect.

It has to be worked on.  To progress, it helps to know something about the differences in communication preferences between men and women.

So let’s talk more about that.

Remember, deep in our primitive brain, guys are hunters and protectors.  And when we need downtime, we often want to return to our cave or spend it with our male friends.

So let him. 

Women tend to be much more intuitive and can read between the lines.  They can process things across multiple dimensions.  

Guys like to be served things up one thing at a time.  They usually do a poor job at reading their wife’s (or girlfriend’s) mind.  If you just got a slightly different hair cut and are hinting around as to what your boyfriend thinks about it, be prepared to be disappointed.  He really probably didn’t notice the difference.

So don’t hold it against him.

Guys tend to use language in a more literal way.  If they say, “how is it going”?  And you say, “I guess it’s Ok”.  A guy will think everything is just fine.  

He won’t often know to probe and open up communication channels.  Whereas, a woman tends to understand the underlying complexity of social language and will explore and expand the conversation.

So gently coach him to probe more in the future by offering him a compliment first.

Most guys like to be moving. They are physically oriented.  They think better, process better, and feel better when they are active.  

So if a women wants a guy to open up about things, take an opportunity to work out with him. Exercise with him. 

But let me, let you in on a secret!  

For you to optimize “attraction” and get your man “all worked up”, you will need to expand your insights about effective communications.  

When poor communications and bickering gets in the way, it leaves little room for intimacy and arousal to take root.

Teach Your Man How To Get You Excited

If you really want to get a rise out of your husband (boyfriend), then teach him how he needs to go about exciting you.

When you are turned on, his subconscious radar will pick up on those signals and that in turn will excite him.

I think of it as a win-win.

Most men don’t have a clue as to how to talk romantically to a woman.  Most men need to be taught what it is that excites you.  

For some guys, it may be a difficult chore for them to take direction.  Many guys suffer from the “Casanova Syndrome” where they think that everything they do and say is just perfect.

How do you overcome this problem?

Well, while it may sound revolutionary, I would suggest you talk about what it is that you both enjoy.

OK, I am just kidding.  Communicating about such things is far from revolutionary, but you may be surprised at how infrequently such discussions take place.

But, we know that both men and women have gaps when it comes to understanding the finer points of attraction.

So you need to talk about what you each like and dislike.  

But as a primer to such a discussion, let’s talk about some general things that apply to guys and gals.

What Arouses a Woman? 

Remember, you need to be genuinely aroused in order to send out those unconscious signals that your man’s brain processes as “sex”.

In a way, this chapter of the post is for your Husband.  But you can coach him.

Women tend to enjoy the slow romance.  The little things matter.  As a ground rule for your romantic communications, the notion of “less is more” is spot on.

Your man needs to know this. 

To your husband, this whole notion of the slow romance may seem completely backwards.  Your husband is wired to do things much faster.

But your man truly wants to please you. Encourage him to go slow with everything because it will send him over the moon.  

Talk to your husband about active listening.  

At first it may sound like a foreign language to your boyfriend, but in time he will learn that the quickest way to your heart is through the kind of listening in which he frequently makes eye contact.  

Remind how much you enjoy it when he peers into your eyes.  Tell him it turns you on.  That kind of direct language will arouse him. 

Remember, the brain is disposed to release oxytocin which leads to arousal when lovers peer into each other’s eyes.

There is a magical synergy that occurs between you and your man when the right kind of body language is employed.  

When you are talking to your husband (or boyfriend) remember to physically lean into the conversation.  Compliment your man for  showing genuine interest when you talk to him.

Men love to be stroked. Your husband’s ego, unbeknownst to him, is a precious thing.  

Lean in and capitalize by stroking his ego. Peer into his eyes  It will make him feel powerful and you will look beautiful in that frame.

If your husband or significant other was here now I would tell him….

The idea is to open up your lady’s heart.  Once you do that, she will naturally behave in all the ways that “turn you on”.

For example, I like the phrase, “I made mistakes and I am sorry”.  By opening yourself up to be accountable and showing vulnerability, you can score big.  

Take an opportunity to suddenly look into her eyes, letting her know how  much she means to you.  Let her talk.  When you behave like this, it turns her on.  

Why?

Because it shows your strength.  Honesty, vulnerability, and the strong, silent type is attractive to a lot of women.  If you don’t believe me, pick up a romance novel and read it.  Or go watch, “50 Shades of Grey”.

I like the phrase, “How can I help you”.  

By showing your willingness to do something for her that is purely “selfless”, can be a big turn on for your Ex.  

Again, just put it out there and listen to what she has to say.  Figure out what she needs help with.  Odds are that is has something to do with YOU meeting her emotional needs.  Try to gently coax it out of her.  Then help her.  

I like the phrase, “Tell me what it has been like for you”.  

You are giving your Ex a chance to share intimate details about her life.  This builds oxytocin and also allows your Ex to share her experiences.  Saying something like this is a perfect example of an “open ended” conversation starter.  She gets to talk and you get to listen and that earns you big time brownie points.

How Do You Unlock Intimacy in Your Man?

Unfortunately, I can’t be assured that you man is hanging on every word that I am writing right now!  

So let’s talk about how you can better connect with your man such that he is more available to you.  

Oddly, in some cases, if you want more of his attention and particularly if you wish to get him a bit riled up sexually, you need to give him space. 

So what can you say to a guy to open up their heart and become more intimate?  

First, you need to understand that men process things differently.  

Generally, your boyfriend (or husband) is not good at sharing.  

Men don’t like being caged in.  We want to feel in charge and in control.  We would rather have sex first, then talk later. We are protectors and quick to action.

So how do you navigate through a guy’s communication and intimacy preferences. 

I like the phrase: “I don’t want to possess you, but I want you to possess me right now”.

That type of phrasing will likely be highly arousing to your man.

You see, some men have attachment issues.  

They don’t want to be possessed and they value their freedom.  These things can make up our insecurities.  If you take that away that concern, your guy will open up.  

It’s a big turn on to a guy to hear this kind of language.  They don’t want to completely give themselves up (in some ways), but they want to “own” you in the moment of sexual intimacy.  It plays to the emotional beast inside them. 

Sex can release a lot of interesting hormones and encourage bonding and intimate sharing.   

So if you want to know what your guy is really thinking in his heart about the relationship, you can use what I call, “Turn On” language, with a twist.  

You can say something like, “Let’s open up to each other. I want to know what’s in your heart…your concerns. But let’s make love first, then share.”  

I also like the phrase, “I feel safe around you”.  

It is in a man’s nature to protect.  It makes your man feel strong and valued when you tell them that.  But don’t overplay this…. keep it short…. otherwise a guy could think you are too needy.  

I like the phrase, “I love the angles of your body. You are really handsome”.   

Men, just like women, can be insecure about their looks. Don’t gush on about his looks.  Just make a brief remark. It will play well to his ego and set him up to be more open and sexually available.

Ok….so we are going to end our little conversation right here.  But we are not through with our dialogue about this topic.

I have one more post that I am going to write that can help you think of your lover in a different way.

Until then, happy lovemaking.

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