It’s a fair question, isn’t it. How do you go about forgiving and forgetting that your husband had an affair?
It turns out that forgiving and forgetting your husband’s affair is not something you can snap your fingers and make happen. Forgiveness will come eventually. To forget your husband cheated on you, well, that is a tall order.
Did You See This Affair Coming?
My bet is you didn’t. Most women don’t expect their husband to be unfaithful and when they are, it is shocking to learn that their man has cheated on them. Even when you pick up some little clues, signs or hints of an affair, it will still feel like you have been clobbered over the head when the truth pours out.
After all, you married this man to spend your life being happy and not having to worry about what he is up to. You don’t want to have doubts about whether he is screwing around with other women.
As his wife, you don’t want to spend your days wondering how to forgive your husband for hurting you in this way.
Why should you even consider forgiving and forgetting that he slept with another woman?
Maybe you shouldn’t. He might not be worth it. He screwed around one too many times. Once is enough, right?
It’s not as simple as that is it?
We are going explore some of this.
What Possessed Your Husband To Betray You Like This?
It turns out there are numerous reasons why your husband betrayed you and all of these things need to be considered before your think of forgiving and forgetting that he cheated on you.
Today, we are going to talk about how to get over the fact your husband cheated on you. We are going to talk about the 5 Possible Reasons Why Your Husband Got Involved in His Affair.
You probably also want to know how long it normally takes to forgive infidelity.
We are also going to explore what might be happening with your feelings now that you know your husband is a cheater.
Finally, we will talk about why it is so hard on you to get over his cheating and what you can do if you believe you can’t get over his infidelity.
You Will Also Learn About Repeated Marriage Affairs
In closing, we will tackle what you can do if your husband has cheated on you several times. Has you husband been involved with multiple women? Did he commit repeated affairs?
You might ask yourself if you will ever get over the pain of repeated affairs.
You will learn that how you get over the hurt of repeated instances of infidelity is a two-fold challenge because you are also going to have to figure out if your husband is worth staying with.
Lastly, you will need to think about whether the marriage is still worth saving given all that has transpired.
How Do I Get Over the Hurt Of Infidelity?
When you can’t forgive your spouse for betraying you then the marriage is likely stuck in reverse. I know it’s hard. You married a man who you thought would be faithful to you.
But he was not. He cheated. He gave in to whatever desires or temptations were at work in his mind and heart.
So now you need to learn how you go about getting over the pain and hurt of being a victim of an affair.
Don’t tell yourself you can’t get over your husband cheating because we can all learn to forgive over time.
Just know that you will be in a vulnerable place for quite some time. So be careful of those inner demons that might speak to you.
The angry voices in your mind might try to convince you that your husband is not worth it. That you will never be able to forgive his infidelity.
You may be haunted by visions of his cheating causing you to experience an assortment of emotions as you reconcile why he could not be faithful to you.
So the first step in recovering from the confusing, angry, and depressing states of mind you will likely experience is to start with trying to understand why your husband did it.
Why did he get mixed up with the other woman?
What Are The Top 5 Reasons Why Your Husband Cheated and Hooked Up With Another Woman?
The reasons for why men choose to cheat on their spouse are never completely clear in the beginning.
There is a good possibility he won’t ever tell you the full reason. I know that sounds harsh and may be difficult to process. But consider this. You already caught your husband in a lie. He has been with another woman behind your back. What he may tell you now may strain credibility.
So don’t get too stuck on the why. It is important, yes. And we will talk about these reasons. But know that it is not always a straightforward thing.
Your husband may fully know why he committed adultery. But he may not fully understand why he did it and the consequences of his actions.
And knowing that he has lied about his faithfulness to you, you should also accept that he may be lying to himself about certain things.
So let’s explore some of the top reasons why your husband got involved in an affair. None of these reasons are offered as a way to forgive men for their actions, but they might give you some insight into what got into your husband to cause him to commit the worst sin of marriage.
1. Men Cheat on Their Wives Because They Want Sex With Other Women
I know that sounds sorta hardcore and is a generalization, but is basically true. Sex is a basic drive in all humans and men in particular tend to think of it more.
Knowing that he has you and can make love with you is important to him. Knowing another woman and cheating with her in the “biblical way” satisfies certain core primal urges.
So sometimes a married man will cross the line of what he knows is wrong and go seek out sex for its own merits. Not for love. But for the experience of sexual satisfaction.
2. It Can Be Really Hard To Forgive Your Husband If He Was Tempted and Lured Away
It happens. Another woman makes it her mission to catch his eye. And given that “men want sex”, it doesn’t take for a guy to fall under another woman’s spell.
In most cases, a happily married man will resist because he loves you and is happy and satisfied with all you give him.
But even the most loving and caring of men can have a weak moment if all the right things fall in place and the other woman is determined to woo him and entice him to have sex with her.
3. Forgiving An Affair Is Made Harder When You Suspect Your Husband is Dissatisfied With Your Love Life
Talk about adding insult to injury.
What is interesting about this is that while your husband may feel like there is a lot of room for improvement in the area of your love life, when I talk with some women about this topic, they too will complain that their husband is not satisfying them sexually in the way they desire.
When it comes to sex, a couple can easily have a disconnect, with neither of them meeting the other’s needs. The lack of communication is sometimes the problem, but of course this is a big topic and lots of things can influence a couple’s sexual compatibility.
But sometimes, when a husband feels he is neglected in the bedroom, he will go off seeking satisfaction elsewhere. Again, it’s most often a physical thing and not because he doesn’t adore you.
4. He Says He Cheated Because He No Longer Loves You
It is a horrible thought to consider.
Is it possible that your husband has fallen out of love with you and worse, that he has fallen in love with this other women he is having an affair with.
Yep, if your husband utters those words, it can make it pretty tough to ever forgive him.
But let me tell you something important.
When men tell you that they are not sure if they still love you in the same way or that have found another woman who is their true soul mate, much of the time it turns out not to be true.
5. He Says He Has No Clue Why He Cheated On You?
Before you spit in his face and throw him out because you are so disgusted, just know that men do stupid things all the time. We all commit foolish acts. He sincerely may not truly be in touch with his feelings. His struggle in explaining why he was unfaithful may be legitimate.
Or it is possible he knows exactly why he committed adultery and just doesn’t want to tell you. Could it be that underlying deception again coming from him. It is a slippery slope when we start analyzing the psychology of another’s actions.
You will be left with questions like:
- Is He Telling Me the Truth?
The answer is he probably isn’t telling you the whole story. Consider that he is in survival mode and lying about some things.
- Does He Even Know What He Wants?
The truth is your husband may be quite confused about what he wants and could be operating on automatic pilot without any thought of consequences.
- Does He Have A Clue How His Betrayal Is Tearing Me Apart?
Your guy may be so into himself that he is clueless. He may be so caught up in this affair that he can’t see or think straight. He just keeps doing the naughty, hoping he won’t get caught.
- Can He Ever Be Trusted Again To Not Enter Into Another Affair?
The answer is most likely that the chances of him cheating again are somewhat higher than just before he started his initial affair. Don’t put it past him to rationalize his behavior in some bizarre way to make it feel right in his heart and mind.
- Does It Even Matter So Much Why He Did It?
You bet it matters. You should have zero tolerance for this kind of behavior and knowing why he did it can potentially help you and your husband to avoid future cheating episodes.
- Should I Forgive My Husband If He Says It Was A Casual Thing?
Absolutely not, at least not for awhile. If your husband insists that the affair meant nothing and it was just a casual fling, stop him in mid sentence. Walk out of the room. He doesn’t deserve your time in that moment. When men say that the other woman doesn’t mean anything to them, they are either lying or they are trying to play down the awful things they did.
- Is My Husband Just a Sexual Beast – Skipping From One Affair To the Next?
There is no justification for any husband to skip from one affair to another, over and over again, like it is something they can’t stop. If your husband has a clinical, psychological sexual disorder then he needs to get treatment. Otherwise, something needs to change fast because it is entirely dysfunctional when a husband thinks he has a license to cheat.
How Long Will It Take You To Get Over Your Husband’s Affair?
You might be asking yourself how long it will take you to forgive your husband for betraying you. To forgive a cheating spouse it is going to take a lot of time and will power and the spirit of forgiveness won’t wash all over you until you are satisfied he is truly regretful and has taken actions to rebuild trust.
The forgiveness part won’t happen for a while.
And getting over all the bad memories and physical hurts from him cheating on you won’t happen overnight either.
It won’t necessarily take you exactly 6 months to get over his cheating ways. Nor can I say that it will take you less than 6 months to heal all your wounds and get the marriage on a better track.
And I am not going to be fatalistic either and tell you that it will take you years and years to get over the pain and distrust of your spouse’s infidelity.
It doesn’t work that way. Every situation is different.
But eventually forgiving him is important. You must do this not just to help the marriage work, but you need to do it for yourself.
You don’t want to carry that burden of resentment of his betrayal with you for the rest of your life.
Your husband will have to learn to forgive himself too. I know, you might be thinking, “why does my husband have to forgive himself?”
It turns out, that in most of these cases, the men who cheat on their wives carry a burden of guilt. As they should because what they did was wrong. But healing needs to come to them too.
Marriage affairs just muck up everything. There will be a lot of healing to go around.
Here are some things you can do to help yourself to get over the emotional struggles of being cheated on.
5 Things You Can Do To Get Past All the Hurts of Learning of His Affair
Consider doing each of these things if you want to move on from his adulterous ways.
It’s worth it if you think you want to be with your husband in the future. And even if you plan on leaving him, you will still need to get your mind and emotions in better working order.
Remember, there is not surefire cure for putting it all behind you. Honestly, it never completely will fade from your mind.
But there are Steps you can take to bring some peace into your life if he cheated on you.
Step 1: Take Some Time To Be With Yourself
You will need to spend some quality time by yourself. Just figuring out what has happened and what it all means is going to be overwhelming. So go some place for a few hours to be alone.
Step 2: It’s Important To Release Your Pain
Have a good cry. It’s OK. It is an emotionally healthy thing for you to do.
What has happened to you hurts tremendously and you need to release it. Later you may wish to take some extended time away from your husband to gather more of your thoughts and begin a fuller healing process.
That might not be the right approach for everyone who have been stung by the discovery that their husband has been unfaithful to them. It may not even be practical, depending on your situation. But instead of trying to immediately hash it all out with him, just get away and clear out your mind.
It could be hours or days. It depends on your situation.
If you are not the crying type, then do something physical like a long walk or bike ride. Running and working out in some way, particularly in the days following the revelation of your husband’s affair, can be very helpful with coping.
Step 3: Don’t Do Anything Rash As It Will ONLY Add To The Chaos Around Discovering He Had An Affair
- Your emotions will fly high when you learn what he did. Don’t compound things by doing or saying something rash. (e.g. “We are finished”, “I want you to pack and leave”, “I want a divorce”, etc.)
- If you insist on knowing every detail about his affair, things will go downhill fast for you both. There is just some stuff you don’t need to hear.
- You will be really upset and vulnerable when you learn of his betrayal, so don’t turn to drugs or alcohol to get relief.
- Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong. He did.
- Do not succumb to any urges to withdrawal all the money from the bank and cash him out. You would be creating financial Armageddon.
- Don’t seek out an effort to get revenge by having your own affair.
- Panic attacks can occur if you become hysterical so remove yourself from any environment that can blow up.
- Don’t beg for him to stay or don’t insist he must leave this other woman immediately. Of course that needs to happen, but it is important that he initiates this conversation and convinces you its over and means it. There will be time later to work out the details (as a couple) on confirming and validating that the other relationship has truly ended.
- Don’t act like a victim or play the victim role. Yes, what your husband did by cheating on you was awful and wrong. But if you get pulled into acting the victim, you open yourself to become one again in the future.
Step 4: Don’t Immediately Commit To Forgiving Him
Part of you may think it would be best to just let your husband know you still love him and forgive him for taking up with this other woman.
I know you probably still love him. But forgiveness for such an act should not come easily.
Don’t think that by blurting out that you still stand by him and forgive him and will just forget it happened, will make things better for you or him.
It won’t. It won’t because it isn’t real.
Our minds and hearts don’t work that way.
First of all, you have your own processing and healing period you need to get through before you are even ready to offer forgiveness and that will take a while.
And forgiveness granted to a cheating spouse is not something freely given away.
It is something that your husband will have to earn through his actions and behaviors and commitment to prove to you that he will be faithful.
Step 5: Consider Getting Counseling From An Affair Expert
You might be able to work out things on your own. Rebuilding trust and repairing the damage will always take some time, no matter how you go about it.
But this can be a difficult topic to talk about and work through, so sometimes it can help you get over your husband’s affair if you are working with someone who has experience in such matters.
Will The Pain of Infidelity Ever Go A Way?
You might be thinking that the pain of your husband’s infidelity will never go away. That you will be forever stuck in a place where you can never learn to trust your husband.
Thinking of offering forgiveness to your husband after his infidelity may be the furthermost thing in your mind.
But know that the angry, bitter, unsettled, confusing, and depressing slate of emotions you are going to deal with will eventually subside.
Life keeps moving forward and we cannot allow ourselves to dwell in self-pity and the bad, dark places.
Yes, the pain won’t just dissipate easily. What he did may never be forgotten. His affair may have permanently damaged your marriage.
But you will learn to move forward. Take whatever path you choose to take, with or without your husband.
You may find yourself asking, “what can I do If I can’t get over his infidelity?”
Just keep reminding yourself the pain from the past will subside and soon you will be facing new challenges.
Life marches on. Keep your focus on those things that fulfill you. Soak up enjoyment. It is a choice.
My Husband Cheated Twice – Should I Stay With Him?
How do you forgive a cheating husband who twice has taken up with women?
He has burned you once. Now it has happened again. It could be worse. Maybe your husband has cheated on you multiple times.
Is he worth fighting to keep?
I think the answer is probably No, for most people. There may not be much to gain if you can’t believe in your husband when it comes to the most intimate aspects of your marriage.
Having to recover from a man’s cheating ways can seem unbearable. Imagine having to deal with a man who breaks your heart knowingly, over and over again.
Is you husband worthy of forgiveness?
In some cases, it becomes futile to keep giving him another chance. There may come a point where the measure of your own self-respect comes under fire.
Will he or can he ever stop having affairs?
If he has been carrying on with the ladies throughout the marriage, maybe you should you just end things.
What is left of the marriage when a husband has multiple flings and shows little remorse?
Probably not much.
To help you with working through this, consider these Points before you make a definitive decision on your next steps.
10 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Giving Up On Your Husband for Having Multiple Affairs
- Does he see and meet up with women because he wants to hurt and shame me?
- Has my husband lost all self-respect and cares little for his marriage?
- Will forgiving him again for his affairs give him license to go out and do it again?
- Has he really learned his lesson this time or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear?
- Can I continue to live and remain married to a man who behaves in this way?
- Am I in denial about his actions because the reality is he will never change?
- Will I be happier if he was not in my life?
- Is the second time he cheated on me with the same woman he had an affair with the first time around?
- How is the rest of the marriage and can I live with the possibility that he will be unfaithful again?
- Will I be able to forgive myself for remaining in a marriage in which my husband knowingly commits adultery and continues to lie about it?
Obviously, the answers to all of these questions will be different for each person and given the highly personal nature of this problem and for what is at stake, I encourage you to take a good deal of time processing through your feelings to arrive at what is best for you and your family.
9 responses to “How Do I Forgive And Forget My Husband’s Affair”
We were married for 32 years he told me last Monday and Left.
At first it seemed like he was having a mental breakdown he admitted to the affair he told me I didn’t catch him it was like I was in a nightmare. He repeatedly said he was sorry it wasn’t my fault he was so sorry. Six days later his tone is changing when he speaks to me he seems angry.
He said he has been unhappy for 6 years. He keeps telling me he is not coming back. He doesn’t want counseling he says he needs to figure this out him self. He said please quit asking questions I can’t take anymore pressure.
He cried and sobbed constantly for 4 days.
Had the affair I believe around October saw her 6 or 8 times since.
She was a traveling nurse and has since quit her job.
She is from another state so after she quit her job. The physical part of the affair quit months ago. I ask him when did he last talk to her he said she had text him days ago asking how he was.
Hi tracy am curious since that happened to you how are things? did you work on them? has he left permanently?
Im curious as well. Ive been married going on 29 years. surprise surprise.
Is there really a way to forget? I doubt it. And forgiving is the most difficult undertaking you will ever attempt in your life. I was married for 39 years and discovered he had cheated for almost 26 of those years with a close family friend. There sex lasted 8 years and ended when moving for a different job, so then they stayed in contact texting and phoning until I discovered the texts about meeting up sometime. For three years we saw individual counselors, marriage counseling together, marriage seminars for couples trying to reconcile, we tried everything. Therapy included EMDR, Ketamine Infusion therapy, we spent tons of money on trying to heal. Three years since discovery, and neither of us are healed and all we do is argue. I have so many unanswered questions about what was going on that began when our daughter entered 2nd grade. How do I forgive and forget? I am still clueless. After watching hours of Affair Recovery YouTube videos, taking online courses, etc. It all seems like a huge waste of time. I should have divorced three years ago and been over this by now, not letting him hurt me daily – still! We are a Christian couple, yet it seems even God can’t fix this mess. He was with her for too long and did too little – too late to help me heal. I used to love him and now I can’t stand to even look at him. So, time doesn’t heal all wounds. There is no magic way past the hurt. They lied to my face too many times. I hate the lies. How could he? My husband admits that she was a fat lazy alcoholic and I am light years better looking even now in my 60’s than when we met in our 30’s. At least now, our daughter is a professional and happy. I have grown to despise what he did more and more. So, I guess I am not the one to ask. Reconciliation isn’t in my future any longer. Today he announce he is giving up.
I unfortunately met my husbands and found out he was married. I did not see him again, but when I did hear from him, he was legally separated and his wife would not give him a divorce. We dated for 5 years and during the 5 years, he was fooling around with friends, and whomever else. I was so desperately in love with him, I looked the other way. 20 years later, I am pretty sure, he hooks up with other women when it is available for him. I WILL NEVER FORGET all this pain, yet, I will never leave him. We have built so much together, 2 kids, nice home,etc. Yet, I will never trust him, and believe men who just cant pass up a flirty women will never change. If I had my life over again, I would never stay in a relationship like this. When one is born and raised with low self esteem, this is what happens.
Sandi you are not alone I have been married 41 years. He has cheated on me off and on our entire life four or five different relationships. Maybe 1 serious the others were one night stands. I didn’t leave because we had 2 beautiful daughters and I didn’t want another man raising them so I just turned the other cheek. Through the years we talked about it openly and he would always deny it. But the last woman he told me the truth. I hope, he swears he is done with all that behavior we are involved with our church which helps. We are moving on but I still have bad thoughts that creep in. I want to move on. I am trying to find fulfillment in my life we don’t have a lot of good years left. I too was a very shy and insecure teenager . I still pray for God’s help and I notice all the little things which help.
Husband cheated all our married life and before we were married. We have been together for 45 years and still are, but I no longer consider us to be married. I always could feel, and people said stuff to me about him I chose to ignore and raise our girls but when the kids were gone, and he had impregnated young girls had his lover living next door and many more that was it. So even though he has never admitted anything except he did bad stuff we are still together but as far as I am concerned, he broke all vows with God and one night I gave him back to God and I can never consider him any more than a good friend. And that is how I survive this terrible life I have lived he is not abusive or mean he is kind and tells me he loves me, but I can never believe anything he says again. He doesn’t want to leave and I’m not leaving so I am stuck with pain and relive his evil every day, but it is what it is. Basically, I am emotional dead.
My husband cheated on me in 1967 when he was deployed to South Korea. He went with friends to the camptown clubs to get drunk and to have sex with the Korean prostitutes working in the clubs. That’s a type of infidelity I’ve never seen addressed in any blog ~ military spouse’s infidelity with prostitutes. It’s different from an affair but, like an affair, the infidelity and the damage it did to our marriage and our relationship is permanent. Unlike an affair, the infidelity of a military spouse while he is deployed is considered normal behavior and, in fact, is a cause for bragging in the military. The military is beginning to recognize rather than ignore the damage done by giving permission to soldiers to get drunk and enjoy prostitutes in order to “blow off steam.” The divorce rate is high in military marriages and this infidelity is the reasons so it’s good the military is addressing it instead of refusing to believe it exists.
I have been married for 18 years and last month I found out that my husband had cheated on me with another women but the thing is I found out from the women ,she told me she was sorry and that she thought that I was beautiful and and a strong women and that I have been threw so much and that she wished she had as much strength as me I told her that wasn’t supposed to make me feel any better was it ,and then she told me what they did and she kept telling me she was sorry but I know that my marriage isnt the only one she has broke up so I told her that she will get what is coming to her and I felt sorry for her that she would never truly be happy because she felt like she had to sleep with other women husbands I told her karma will do with her as it sees fit cause I believe that without a doubt in my mind ,after I talked to her I called him because he is in jail and I told him I talked to this other women and he started off with trying to lie to me and I just hung up on him because he should have a little more respect for me then that ,but then he called back and told me the truth but he tried to say some of the things she said wasn’t true I told him if he couldn’t stop lying to me then I would hang up and block the number and be done with it all together so he then stopped and he has been begging me to not leave him and to give him another chance he said that he was going to tell me about it when he got home cause I deserved to know the truth I told him I deserved better than him a weak man that only wanted weak women it seemed like and that’s why me and him had the problems that we did because I am a strong women I know this but threw out the years I told him he broke me were I lost my worth I lost knowing my value cause of the things that he did to me and still I stayed with him because I wanted him to love me like I did him I told him every time he broke my heart I picked it up again and again and again trying to give it back giving him chances way more than I new he would give me cause all I wanted was love from him ,from another human because I grew up not feeling it so that’s why I stayed with him I feel like ,I told him that nothing will be the same again he was my best friend and I wasn’t nothing to him ,I told him I set and waited for him and he never picked me I told him I wanted what was inside of him me and our kids did we wanted his time and he wanted to spend it with people that didn’t want anything besides to use him and take from him and all the while we was in the back ground setting there wanting him something that didn’t cost a thing but we wasn’t good enough for him .I told him I remember many times I tried to come on to him sexualy and he turned me down making me feel less than but then he turned right around and had sex with another women but he said I was enough for him I told him that was a lie because if I was then he would have never been with another women and that if he loved me like he said he does then when the first time it happened it would have never went down because I would have popped into his head like all the times I could have but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to hurt him .I told him I remember the time she is talking about and what really bothers me he came home looked me in my face and lied to me and then walked out the door to go rent a cabin with her to stay the night with her so that right there I told him you had a chance not to go but you did you made that choice to walk out the door so now I am making the choice of not being with you but I know in my heart I have to forgive him in order to heal and move on in my life because I am not staying with a man and have to live with what he did every single day of my life no matter how old I am even if you don’t want to start over again but staying with him will only cause that bitterness inside me to grow and grow and grow and I don’t want to have to carry that much hate on top pf my shoulders eating me up inside I know it will take time to heal and I am so hurt because this man was my world my life someone that I gave my heart to and I trusted and he destyoed me without a care in the world like I wasn’t nothing to him I don’t give to shits if he says he was on drugs or not he had a choice and he made it ,I have gave him outs many of times during our marriage because we was young when we got married and I told him I new he thought that married life and a family was going to be something easy but he got into something that was over his head because I had two kids already I gave up my life along time ago I new what my life was but he said he was ready and years later I gave him outs and he never would take them I remember a time when I gave birth to our son and then two weeks later I found out he was talking to another women and then she found out about me and stopped seeing him but then there was my best friend I could go on but I know this chapter of my life is over and I need to move forward as I told him there is someone out there that will treat me good and that will love me and that will tell me that I am beautiful every day not like him only to tell me when I find out he was telling another women that but I could never get them words so my story is I am moving on to find my happiness because he was just another lesson to be learned that I need to keep my eyes open more than I had before and see things for what they are