Why would a husband cheat on his wife?
How can you tell when your husband is cheating? Or their warning signs that point to infidelity?
Can you be sure your husband is faithful and is not having a physical affair or an emotional affair of the heart?
These are the relationship questions that we are going to tackle today. I also wrote about this topic in the post below when I worked with a client whose husband was acting a bit odd.
It is a difficult subject to discuss for sure.
No wife want to think about the possibility of their husband messing around with another woman. Just the idea of it and the images associated with your man cheating on you can be incredibly upsetting and disturbing.
How Often Do Husbands Cheat on Their Wives?
Unfortunately, infidelity happens with greater frequency than most people realize.
Men and women enter into affairs every day. These secret sexual liaisons usually leave a trail. Is your husband having a secret love affair? I explore some of these signs in the post below…
Well, there are lots of reasons. But let’s start first with trying to get a picture of how often this happens.
When we stop and take a closer look at the statistics we learn marriage infidelity happens with about the same amount of frequency for both men and women, though it is thought that men cheat somewhat more often than women.
Though women are catching up in the infidelity department as they become more financially independent.
When it comes to the topic of infidelity in marriage, the numbers are all over the place which is not too surprising considering the subject and the difficulty in obtaining accurate information.
Personally, I think the reality of how often a husband or wife will have an affair is under reported.
Most surveys suggest that anywhere from 30%-60% of married individuals will go chasing for love and sex in other places.
Cheating behavior among couples occurs with greater frequency in men and woman under age 30.
It is believed that young married individuals are closer to the earlier period in their young adult life when they had multiple sex partners.
Also, younger adult men and woman are usually more mobile and have larger social networks. They spend a greater amount of time away from home.
Something can also be said for individuals in this age range as being closer to their sexual peak.
With the advent of social media in our lives, people more frequently meet and make connections in chat rooms, forums, Facebook, dating sites, and all the rest.
So there are not shortage of ways for your husband to get involved with other women if he was so inclined.
Now, I am not saying this is an epidemic problem in society. Cheating on your wife (or husband or significant other) has been around since the beginning of time.
While it is possible for your husband to have a close emotional attachment with another woman, it does run against the grain of what I think is ideal for relationships.
Do we have the emotional makeup to be truly romantically in love with two or more people at the same time?
It is possible.
But, it is pretty difficult to pull off emotionally.
Sure, we sometimes hear people talk about the distinction between “being in love” versus loving your spouse.
But that is a complicated discussion, so let’s save that for another post.
I think it suffices to say that love and betrayal are complicated discussions in of themselves, so we have plenty on our plate to talk about today.
Why Did Your Husband Betray You?
Another interest factoid about cheating husbands (and wives) is that their infidelity is sometimes never discovered. So you may never get to ask the question as to why your lover cheated on you or go through the pain of knowing your man did the unthinkable.
I know. That is a crazy line of thinking to even try to process.
You may never even suspect it or you may mildly think something is happening.
Sometimes you won’t ever know for sure because your husband sure won’t tell you.
Well, I can’t say that.
Some guys do confess.
But why did he do it? Why did he take up with this other woman?
When your husband goes off reservation to be with another woman, it usually not something he sat down and reasoned out.
It is often not a rational decision or even a planned event. For various reasons it can happen without warning or premeditation.
And in many of these cases of betrayal, it turns out that your husband does not love you less or find sex with you as undesirable.
Some men just do plain stupid things.
There may be certain moments in his life where your husband’s emotional psyche is not that far removed from the cave man he evolved from.
It may be something as stupid and bewildering as opportunity meets availability and if the other party pushes the right buttons, your husband can slide into an extramarital affair.
But admittedly, it is a mix bag out there when it come to what drives a man to cheat on their wife.
Sometimes the husband is dissatisfied with their marriage for a host of reasons and finds someone else that they are attracted to on many levels.
That might be the case for a while.
After the rush of all the neurotransmitters that influence your husband attraction for this other woman wears off, he may soon realize he was partly under the spell of his body’s chemistry.
He will discover the whole world of how he perceives “love” and where his true feelings lie become very murky and confusing.
Does An Affair Mean That The Marriage is Over?
It is possible that a husband can find what he believes is a more suitable mate.
He may be right or wrong. As we know, relationships and compatibility are complicated topics to talk about.
Unfortunately, not every marriage I come across can be characterized as a strong match.
So sometimes, it isn’t the ‘grass is greener” dynamic that is at work, but rather the husband may feel unfulfilled in his marriage and the perfect storm of events happen such that the husband meets and falls in love with another woman.
Before your scream, just know that many a guy has thought they found something “really special”, only to realize later that what was special in their life was staring them in the face everyday in the form of “You”.
I know many people come to this site looking for solutions when betrayal has struck at the door of their marriage.
But I would be less than honest if I didn’t admit that some marriages are just not good matches from the get go.
But if your husband has cheated on you, don’t just throw in the towel. His actions may not portend that your relationship is doomed.
We are all human and mistakes, big mistakes, can be made by either party of the marriage.
Some may seem unforgivable.
Given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances, either a husband or wife can make a terrible decision.
There have been a lot of research and studies performed on the subject of monogamy and whether or not men and women are biologically predisposed to cheat.
The data suggest that long-term relationships can be more challenging to maintain if the pair bonding and attachment is not strong. No doubt, a lot of our sexual behavior is a product of some pre-wiring that has occurred over hundreds of thousands of years.
This would explain why some husbands and wives fall prey to betrayal. And it would also explain the existence of jealousy as a primal emotion.
Studies also show almost all husbands admit to fantasizing about having sex with someone other than their wife. But the same is true for women, though their fantasies will sometimes also include emotional affairs of the heart.
A jealous wife is nature’s way of guarding against other women pursuing your husband and making sure your husband feels the backlash of your wrath if he is tempted or shows signs of wanting to cheat.
Let’s not forget, we are all animals and seeking to reproduce and protectng what is ours is coded into our behavior.
Nevertheless, let’s not get too clinical or glum about marriage. There are plenty of happily married couples in which neither spouse cheated on the other.
A while back, I wrote a post that covered a great many things about the topic of cheating. It was written for men, but the same principles hold true if you suspect your husband of being unfaithful.
What Are Some of the Warning Signs That Your Husband May Be Unfaithful?
I am going to provide you with a list of behaviors and practices that your husband may engage in.
But I have a big warning for you.
Just because your husband exhibits or repeats any of these behaviors does not mean he is having an affair. So be careful about jumping to conclusions.
But if your man is exhibiting a number of the behaviors described below, then it might give you pause to suspect. Be sure to carefully read the article, whose link I provided above, because I offered up a plan you can consider if you think your husband might be unfaithful.
- When a guy is cheating on his wife, he usually will pay a lot more attention to his grooming needs. He might get a new haircut. He might be more diligent with brushing and whitening his teeth. The husband, in order to accentuate his attractiveness to his new girlfriend, might buy new clothes or a different brand of aftershave.
- Most husbands will tend to pull away from sex with their wives when they are getting it somewhere else. So look for signs in which he makes up excuses to avoid intimacy. Even simple things like too frequently withdrawing from a kiss or a hug.
- Some men who are having affairs will try to compensate for the guilt they are experiencing because of their cheating ways through acting impulsively to see that you are pleased. He may call you, right after having been with his lover, to plan an evening out or to check in with you to see how you are doing. It is like a husband knows what he is doing is wrong and in order to cover it up, he might just go a little overboard in showing you attention. He might obsess that he is going to get caught by his wife, so he will check in with her to see if everything is OK.
- You might notice that your husband seems oddly distracted more often than not. He might daze off or go on little walks, workouts or short excursions by himself. It’s as if he is wrestling with something. He might be showing apprehension over not being able to meet up with the other woman, so he needs to work through it. He could be feeling restlessness over his guilt our uncertainty as to being caught.
- Men who are cheating on the wives will tend to focus more time on working out to look better and get in better shape. He might start a new excercise regiment or work out more frequently.
- Another cue that your husband might be having a fling is the frequency of text messages he is receiving and sending. Watch his behavior around his phone. Does he keep it close? Is he protective or secretive about the use of his phone. Has he changed the password protection such that you don’t have access? Watch how often your husband appears to delete his text history. Maybe he is cleaning up his phone records. Perhaps he is hiding something. On this topic, another thing to consider is whether he has multiple phones. Some guys will get another phone to hide their tracks. But after a while, they will let their guard down and leave it lying somewhere to be found.
- Another telltale sign that your guy might be doing something naughty is his activity on social media might increase. Or he may choose to open multiple social media or email accounts. The latter is more likely as he will be looking for ways to connect with his lover.
- Check to see if your husband’s laptop has been encrypted to prevent anyone from entering unless they have the correct password. If he is hiding an affair from you, he will not want you snooping around on his laptop, checking his messages and search history. For example, sometimes a husband will be encountering an issue. Maybe he will be plagued with feel guilt over his affair. Maybe the affair is running hot and cold. Perhaps he is having second thoughts about the whole business of cheating on you. Whatever the case, your man might do some internet research on various topics related to his unfaithfulness.
- Another sign that something might be off with your husband is he is spending a lot of time at work. Coming home late. Perhaps he is taking a lot of trips. Look to see if there are any unusual charges occurring on the credit card/debit card statements.
- When a guy is having an affair, his hormones are raging. So he can be in a buoyant mood or if things are not going so well, his mood state can sour. This can lead to an increase in fights. Sometimes, your husband might even pick a fight as an excuse to get away from the house so he can go visit his lover. Or, he actually might be struggling emotionally with the realization of what he has brought upon himself, so he might strike out. If your husband seems to be picking fights with you more frequently or finding many more things to criticize you for, it could be his way of transferring his guilt. He is looking for a reason to justify his actions and therefore he looks for ways to diminish you. He would rather not think about how important you are to him. It is a sort of psychological game he plays on himself, but eventually it catches up with him.
2 responses to “Warning Signs That Your Husband Is Cheating”
My husband and I have only been married only 3 mths. It was only a few weeks after our wedding I seen a big change in him. He was very distant and would never look at. He always told me how beautiful I was. At night always had to touch me but all that stopped. I have seen things in the house I’ve never seen before especially on the days I come home from work. I have even tried to talk to him letting him know that I have been having feeling he is cheating on me. Won’t do that again he turned into a very upset man that I had no idea he could be. I just don’t know but I can’t seem to get the fact he is cheating out of my head. I get a gut feeling something is not right. What do I do? I’m so confused and not myself because of the thoughts I would be having. Please help.
It seems to me that he should be more concerned that you are so disturbed about this feeling you have about him possibly being unfaithful. If it true that he is cheating, it will come out eventually. For now, at least for the short term, you may not want to approach him about the topic. Give him time to recalibrate. It is possible his reaction was out of guilt. But it is also possible he is not involved in an affair and acted poorly. Maybe something else is bothering him and he is not yet ready to open up.
Perhaps in a few weeks you can reach out to him and meet with him somewhere (outside your home). A private, but neutral location (e.g. park) can sometimes minimize any outbursts from him. If you still feel what you are feeling now, you can honestely tell him you are burdened with thoughts that something is wrong. Simply ask him if he is having an emotional affair. Though he may be having a physical affair, an emotional affair may not sound as bad to him and he may finally open up. Of course, I am assuming he is cheating on you. Remember, he may not be. To get him to open up, tell him you have prepared yourself for the truth and it’s not the end of the world, whatever he has done.
At a minimum, he eventually needs to explain why he has been acting distant and less intimate with you. That is what husbands and wives should be able to do for each other. It is simply providing emotional support and clarity as to one’s feelings. That is all you are asking.
Throughout all this, keep your cool and remain calm.
If he keeps avoiding talking about even that part (i.e. his lack of intimacy), then it would seem something is indeed off.