Recently I was contacted by one of my readers whose husband, as she described, acts like he hates her.
She was telling me that they have been married for about nine years and it seemed to her that all the air was out of the marriage balloon.
It is not entirely unprecedented for a couple to get into an argument which leads to one or both telling the other, “I hate you”.
Such flames of passion can easily arise when a husband and wife are angry with each other.
I am sure you have been in a fight with your husband and I bet some of the worst and ugliest of language emerged.
So what usually happens when this occurs?
Well, generally, when one spouse is attacked, it will result in a counter attack and sometimes the fight spirals out of control and ugly and spiteful words are hastily and thoughtlessly made.
In time, you come to feel that your husband doesn’t care about you. In such situations it may seem he doesn’t even like you.
You may feel he never takes your side. It may feel like he is not there for you when you really need him. I get into this particular issue in the post below, so feel free to read up on it!
https://marriagerecovery.com/my-husband-never-takes-my-side/
Your husband might say he can’t stand you.
He may, in the ugliest terms, proclaim that he despises you. Your husband might say its all over and he wants nothing to do with you.
Everything from his mouth may sound pretty bad.
Of course, language like this is ugly and hateful and represents the darker side of what resides in your husband’s mind. Such careless words are things no loving partner ever wishes to hear.
But in this case, my client suspected something else was going on and over time, while it evolved slowly, she became certain there was something else going on that caused her husband to act like he hated talking to her or even being around her.
I asked what made her think this way in the beginning and she responded as such:
My husband and I were very close in the beginning of our marriage but something happened along the way….maybe about 4 to 5 years into our marriage…where my husband just seemed to not want to spend time with me. When I would talk about my day, he would seem to do everything to cancel me out, not listening to what I was saying.
It just seems that when I try to engage with him, he hates talking to me or hearing about my worries and concerns. The whole relationship seems to have changed from one where we could talk things out and share our feelings to one where he would just rather play video games or go out with his buddies.
What am I doing wrong that causes my husband to hate being around me? Our sex life is OK and when something really important happens, he is there for me, but more often than not, I get this feeling that he hates having to deal with any of my anxieties and if the discussion turns to a serious topic, he just seems to hate dealing with the subject.
I think my husband still loves me, but sometimes I also think we have a love – hate relationship and I am just not happy with the course our marriage has taken. I don’t think I have done anything in particular to cause him to act like he hates discussing things with me or being around with me, He use to take take me out and we would have fun, but that kind of spontaneity has disappeared in our marriage.
He use to do little things that showed me he cared, but now it seems a stretch for my husband to want to have much of anything to do with me unless it is absolutely necessary. Does he really hate me and being around me? I catch him looking away at times. He sometimes acts like he despises me. Is he bored with me? What can I do to turn this around?
I want my husband back, just the way he was in the early years of our marriage. I know I have some insecurities and I hate that about myself, but I also know that I am a good person and care about making my husband happy.
We don’t have any children, but we have discussed that and I really want to build things back up in our marriage. Could he be secretly harboring hateful feelings for me because I want kids? It seems that anytime I bring up that topic, he slides away into another conversation or literally walks into another room and starts doing something else. Help me with my situation, please!
Does Your Husband Really Hate You?
As you can see, marital relationships can get tough and knowing what your husband is really thinking and really wants can be challenging.
Knowing the mind of a man is not as easy as you may think.
Perhaps men are not wrapped up in as much complexity as women, but since your husband is a a man, you are already at a disadvantage.
For your entire life you have processed things from the female perspective. Your template of understanding things is uniquely female. While you have most assuredly have gained insights about how men behave and process things, your are not a man and cannot understand every nook and cranny of your husband’s emotional system.
So what if you are trapped in a marriage in which your husband seems to always yell and shout or acts like he can’t stand be around you?
What do you do when he emotionally pushes you away with his words?
Well, lucky you, I have written a post about this very problem. So if you are confronted by a husband who can’t seem to get control of his emotions, take a moment and read up on what you can do.
https://marriagerecovery.com/why-does-my-husband-yell-and-shout-at-me-all-the-time/
OK, so let’s get back to my client who is worded that her marriage has taken a turn for the worst.
It is clear she is picking up on serious negative signals which her husband is projecting and when she adds it all up, her fear is that her husband must harbor some hateful feelings toward her and that their marriage is headed for ruin.
My advice to this wife was to slow things down.
At least in terms of how she was processing everything. I explained to her, “No, I don’t think his changed behavior was a figment of your imagination.”
I explained that there seemed to be clear signs pointing to some kind of “dislocation” in the marriage.
I think it is a big jump to conclude that a husband has “hatred in his heart” just because she senses he is pulling away emotionally.
I told her I felt it was important to take a timeout from all of the pent up negative energy she was processing as it related to her husband’s state of mind.
It is true that in some relationships, a husband can act out on something that is on his mind and hateful behaviors will emerge. The darker impulses that sometimes govern our minds can take temporary control.
That is very different than the husband having hatred for his wife.
Sometimes mean and spiteful behavior can be exhibited during a fight or around some other serous conflict between the wife and husband. Sometimes the problem stems from some deeply held resentments that have yet to surface, but need to be dealt with.
It is even possible that the feelings she is picking up on are a projection of the husband feelings for himself. He may be hiding a secret truth for which he feels shame or he may feel inadequate in some way and is taking it out on his wife.
Such are the vagaries of the human mind. So much can be going on behind all of our words and actions.
Men and women all over can be hard to read. It is tough enough to really know ourselves. Why should we expect to know the workings of another’s mind.
So let’s assume that you have a situation with your husband where his behavior as represented by his words, tone, and actions, seem somewhat out of character.
I believe that even as well as you think you know your husband, there will always cases in which how he behaves and processes certain things will be a mystery to you. Don’t expect to be able to always wrap your mind around why your husband acts a certain. Even the best trained psychologist can get it wrong.
Part of the reason why it may be difficult for you to get a handle on what your husband’s true feeling are is because you are approaching this situation from the perspective of a woman.
I know….I know….you really don’t have much of a choice in the matter.
You see things through the lens of a woman, because after all, as your husband’s wife, you are a woman and processing things from a female perspective is perfectly natural for you.
You see your husband withdrawing his affection and may think he might be falling out of love with you. You may not truly believe it with your whole heart, but the thought might flash through your mind.
In another situation, you may feel assaulted by your husband’s mean spirited words when he is angry and may erroneously conclude he must hate you. He may be acting like he can barely tolerate you and those vibes will look and feel like they are real.
And on one level such vibes are real. All of us can go through brief periods of time where we don’t want to be bothered. We may need to fold up into ourselves. And if someone is trying to crack our shell, we may lash out, saying ugly things.
Sometimes when things happen such that we begin to question the “love” within the marriage, our emotional side of the brain (right side) can immediately jump to the worst of conclusions.
And it is that part of our brain that tends to run amok.
While the left side of your brain, the analytical and rational part of your mind, will seek to influence your perception of things, it is the right “emotional” side that can take us down the wrong path.
Sure, it is entirely possible that your husband is hiding hateful feelings and directs them at you, his wife, in subtle ways.
But it is also likely that it is not hate that your husband has for you, rather it is probably something else that is less dramatic and serious that is going on.
Guys can get upset and annoyed with their wives, particularly after the couple has been together for a number of years.
Some guys who are less secure with who they are can act out and behave in a manner that can be mistaken for hatefulness.
Of course, this is not an all exclusive club. Wives can also frequently get annoyed and angry with their husbands for all kinds of reasons.
How Your Husband Views The World Around Him
Let me give you some insight into how guys process information and how they tend to hide their feelings.
Many men wish to feel independent and capable of handling all situations. They often internalize a lot of these feelings. When their desire to manage and control such things meets with failure or difficulty, they will become upset.
Their ego can take a blow. When these feelings unfold and are coupled with other things that might be going on his life, he can behave badly.
There is selfishness in that behavior. While I have not done any major, exhaustive studies in this matter, my feeling is that men are somewhat more selfish.
It may very well be a relic from our evolution as a species.
Sometimes those upset feelings will cross over into the relationship with their wife. As a result, the wife may think she is to blame for something. And with her not realizing the scope of how guys process and internalize their feelings, she may erroneously conclude that something is terribly wrong with the marriage.
She may ask herself, why is my husband acting so hateful towards me?
The fact is that often, when things go wrong and your husband’s expectations for himself are falling short of his aspirations, he will strike out at whatever is closest to him.
This is often the wife.
He doesn’t want to blame himself or take responsibility for his behavior in that moment. So he does what is selfish and easiest to do. He strikes out at the one he loves.
Is that where the phrase, “crazy in love” came from?
So while it is not too surprising that many wives can get caught up in this vortex of male internalized emotions, they should recognize what these emotions and behaviors are really all about.
The wife should not try to embrace these feelings as something that she may be responsible for. Often, the situation is the husband is trying to work through his feelings. And he probably won’t be very open talking about it because that is the way guys are.
If you get in the way of that, you may feel like you are being bulldozed by hateful vibes. And sometimes no matter what you do or say to help sooth your husband or understand the genesis of these feelings, it is best to let his feelings run their course and try not to embrace them on a personal level.
I realize that can be difficult when you are in the marriage line of fire.
But sometimes it is best to just give your husband’s emotions room to roam.
Give him some distance.
But that doesn’t mean he has a license to always strike out with a meanness when things don’t suit him. This is a line that should not be crossed. It is the “abuse” line.
But if you give him space, a mini timeout if you will, in many of these situations your husband will find his way back to you with a much better temperament, with apologies in hand.
Let me underscore something clearly.
There is no excuse for any husband to lob verbal hate bombs at his wife. And if that is is the case, then you should adopt a zero tolerance policy.
If the emotional hate language rises high, then walk away….leave the room….leave the house.
Think of it as a marriage timeout.
Whether it is for a several hours or even a few days, don’t make yourself a target for such behavior. There is no reasoning with a husband who is bombarding you with hateful language or making ugly assertions.
No spouse should speak to another in such terms and so don’t stick around if such is the case. By doing so, you are enabling his behavior.
Now, I am not suggesting you need to end the marriage or separate for good.
My remarks are focused on this particular hypothetical situation I was describing.
The bottom line is if you really feel you are the recipient of any kind of hateful language or behavior, then remove yourself from the environment. Anything short of that is enabling the husband to continue to release whatever inner demons he may have caged up inside.
Now, I have an important qualifier to make, just to be sure we are all on the same page.
The vast majority of husbands do not spew hateful words at you. And the few times that they do usually does not mean they hate their wives.
How a husband speaks his mind during those periods of temporary emotional insanity versus the actual core thoughts and inner beliefs he possesses are not necessarily the same thing.
So if you are not feeling the love from your husband in great quantities lately and if you think he seems to act like he hates you, think again.
You are probably wrong.
There is usually a lot more going on and what you are witnessing probably has a lot less to do with you, than other things.
You may be seeing just the tip of his emotional iceberg. But he is not acting cold toward you because he hates you. It is often something else going on in his mind and he is liberating these ugly feelings in your presence.
Don’t think that everything underneath his outward behavior is directed at you because of something you did that was wrong.
He may be boiling over and you are catching some of that wrath. More often than not, there are other drivers contributing to his behavior.
If that is the case, it is these things that needs to come out and be discussed. He will feel better and you will gain a greater insight into what is underneath it all.
What do you do when you know youve failed as a wife? You see it on his face, hear it in his words, and know he needs something else in his life. It murders your soul knowing it and feeling like nothing you do will fix it. You try and try. You see good days and you pray they last but you always do something wrong. You know he’s broken and it’s your fault. You pray everyday that you wake up to the man you married before he hated you,before you ruined the marriage.
Hi Georgia….please don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t deserve to shoulder all of the blame if your relationship is suffering. It always, always, always takes two people to make a relationship work and two people to cause the relationship to fail. The fact that you care so much and have so much passion to bring love to another person demonstrates that you are uniquely loving and caring and empathetic. Never forget, “fault” is a relative term. Whose fault it is for this or that can always be debated, but seldom does “fault” lie with just one person. None of us can know with any preciseness the future. Nor can we know for sure how our relationships will work out. We are all just trying our best out here in this place called “life”. Keep working on your relationship. Encourage your husband to give up his “hate” because it will consume him. No one as caring as you deserves to be hated. And if your husband is hateful in his words and actions toward you, then it is not you that is failing. Seek out professional marital counseling if you feel inclined as sometimes a 3rd party can help people repair their wounds.
And please. Start spending much more time showing love for yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve much better from yourself. God bless you Georgia.
This can’t be a legit comment…
Oh, girl I literally started to cry because I know how you feel. I just prey to Father our God and hope things get better for you take care
So my husband wants to take a little break away from me and our children. He says his so stressed and he needs some time ( like 6 months or so) we just had a baby six months ago and I feel heart broken and so many things are going through my mind, why does he want to leave us, why is he so selfish, maybe he just wants someone elese? He says he love’s me he doesn’t want a divorce and he love’s our children. I have noticed lots of changes in him. He has less patients, he gets angry for no reason, it feels like he doesn’t love me or I annoy him I feel like after 15 years together and three beautiful boy’s I have failed as a wife. Can you please give me your advice. Thanks.
Hi Sharon. I no way have you failed. You have brought 3 beautiful children into this world. Sometimes people need space to figure out what they want. Then after awhile, they realize what they want is right in front of them. I agree, your husband is behaving selfishly. Very selfishly given you just had a child. It appears you are the strong one in this marriage. Use your strength to continue to build on your own life
I do believe your husband loves you and means it when he says it. He seems to be having issues he is wrestling with. Perhaps sometime in the future, he will be willing to open up with you. Perhaps he might even be open to going with you to talk to a marriage counselor.
A six month break seems unreasonable. Consider suggesting he take a week to himself, then come back and talk with you about the marriage and a path forward. Again, the issues plaguing him won’t get resolved unless he can open up about them. Eventually he will come around and open up. Try not to be too emotional about what is happening when you are arouond him. But he should know that what he is proposing is eroding the marriage and hurting the family. Let him wrestle with that because it is true. Again, I know. What he is doing and proposing is incredibly irresponsible. Call upon your strength to get through this period
My husband started distancing himself from me a little over 3 years ago, just after we had our daughter. We tried to have a child for 13 years and now that we have our beautiful girl, everything seems to be wrong in our marriage. We used to be the perfect couple, inseparable, always shared our feelings and talked things through. He gradually started acting more and more hateful towards me, but for the last 5 months it has become intolerable because of 1 word I used against him in response to number of insults from him. At least that’s what I think the reason is. He has not spoken to me in months, and only speaks to me when he has to answer a question. 9/10 times he won’t even look at me when answering me. I’ve heard comments from other people that he speaks highly of me to them, and that he wants to spend more time with his family, etc., etc.. However, as soon as he is at home, he acts like he’d rather drink poison that spend another second in my presence, and the only reason he’s home is because of our daughter. Why does he hate me so much. I am not perfect, but I have been a good wife to him all these years. I’ve been loyal to him, and has stood by him through thick and thin. He disagrees. It all feels like a bad dream I can’t wake from. What do I do?
If you think your husband hates you, it might be about something that’s going on with him and him alone.
Most of the time, it’s something that both of you have been doing, and you have a classic negative interaction cycle spiraling downward.
However, if you think your husband hates you, take a long look at what you’re doing. If your husband feels that he is being regularly criticized, attacked or nagged, he’ll either fight hard or withdraw.
He may be deathly afraid of you, figuring that anything he says will get an explosion (in his mind).
Try talking with him about it first, in a non-judgmental way. He may be unaware of what he’s doing. Most likely, he’s got a boiling pot of resentment built up regarding you. Regardless of the cause, you won’t be able to continue as a couple if that is going on.
If you don’t think you can talk to him at this point, don’t try the if you ignore it, it will go away approach. That will make it worse (and make you feel worse, and maybe start to hate him, too).
If you feel hated, it’s probably time to get some outside help. Hate is a pretty powerful emotion, and if it’s there, it will be tough to bring it back to love, or even like, without some external support.
***
I’ve been there.
Our daughter died, and out of the Old Testament, we we were hit a flood within a month. Explosions started coming from my wife (now ex-wife) the day after our daughter died. Repeating what he coroner, police or funeral director said brought explosions. Asking simple things, such as if her mother got a good night’s sleep, got me criticized. Talking to the FEMA workers doing flood repairs drew criticism, and she also criticized me for not believing in God and did her best to convince me that I’d been a terrible father to my deceased daughter.
After a while, I pulled back, didn’t mention our deceased daughter’s name, took care of things like getting a tombstone made, creating an online memorial and going to probate court without telling her, and the resentment grew. I was afraid that anything I said would draw an explosion or criticism, I pulled back, and pulled back even further when she refused to go to marriage counseling.
She ultimately left in a rage, leaving me behind with our two surviving kids.
We are married six years. Fighting for pretty much six years. Two toddlers. Been to two counsellors over two years, it made no difference. I married him because was kind. It could not be more different now. I now believe he hates me. Criticises everything I do (eg won’t let me fill dishwasher as I do it wrong he says, to name one of the tens of things I do wrong), says I do nothing in the house (I never sit down), says place is filthy (it is not), critisises my ways with the children. we fight almost every day, he bellowes at me a lot and it’s been like that for years. I’m embarrassed to see our neighbours as I’m sure they have heard the shouting. It is toxic. I’ve cried in private nearly every day, for years. I know he’s aware of it sometimes but never says a word, Hundreds of times I considered taking my own life so the pain would stop. Only reason I haven’t is cos of the kids. I told him twice that was how bad I felt, it made no difference, he said that was typically selfish of me. There is absolutely no empathy, respect or kindness left. For me the words intolerable cruelty keep coming to my mind. I do believe this is going to kill one of us from a health perspective. We have tried to talk hundreds of times but every time we do, it’s me listening to him lecturing me for approx forty minutes and the moment I say anything from my end it annoys him so much he starts shouting and another row starts. So communication is gone. Over the years he has said he was leaving me and slammed the door tens of times and stayed out that night. He has verbally assassinated every aspect of my character. In these years, my mother has had a terminal illness. She is coming to the end of it now. He never asks how she is. I don’t see any friends anymore, I have had to make excuses to get out of arrangements to meet them due to rows, they don’t contact me and I don’t want to make arrangements. I don’t have any friends anymore. I have never spoken to anyone about what’s goIng on in my marriage. I am utterly heartbroken. He says it Is my fault, that I won’t change. I know he is suffering too. Now I feel the rot is too deep, too many awful things have been said, too much disrespect and bad memories for this to be repairable. My self esteem is gone. I honestly don’t know how this could be fixed. We have not split up cos I think we would like it to work, cos of the kids and financially we are better together. But of course we know that long term for the kids the current situation is the worst for them and soon they will really start understanding what is going on. When we are not fighting he tells me he loves me, then next day it’s back to same crap. So I don’t believe he loves me, you don’t Treat someone you love like this. It’s mental torture. He’s a street angel, house devil. What can we do?
Cassie…I am so sorry you are suffering so much. You are a brave woman and your children are so lucky to have you in their lives. There are not easy solutions to marital problems like this. Clearly, your marriage as you described it is highly dysfunctional. I agree with you. You are stuck in a terrible rut The situation you are in is unhealthy for all. It is not sustainable. It needs to change. It can change for the better. If things can’t work for the two of you, then consider getting a support system behind you and go it alone so that you can heal and raise your children in a healthier and happier environment.
My husband and I have been married for 7 months. (This is my second marriage and his third.) He is already telling me he wants a divorce. We dated for a year then he asked me to move in with him. About six months later he asked me to marry him. Now I am garbage, I’m stupid, retarded, simpleton, I deserve to live in the gutter, I’m a their and a freeloader. We are both in our mid 40’s. My first marriage last 27 years but it was much the same. The only thing different was I got pregnant at 16 and we got married right away (he wanted it… I wanted out of my mothers house…another story) I dropped out of school because he asked. I raised 6 beautiful girls and when my youngest turned 13 I went back and got my H.S. diploma and then started courses at the local community college. I was right then told to choose between him and school. When I didn’t believe him two weeks later he packed his baggs and left. I filed for divorce and a month later he burned my house down. ( this is the man who would not allow me to get my D.L. until I was 25 and only because he got sick and needed me to drive him around. But back to my 7 month marriage…my husband told me time and time again that he didn’t want me to work but to finish my degree and then get a job. Well…now every other day I’m told how he is always footing the bill and I do nothing but take pictures and play with paper (my major is pgotography I love the darkroom) but when I bring up that I could have a job if I want it I’m told no it’s my job and my pleasure to take care of my beautiful wife. When he gets angry which is a lot he will stand just a few inches from my face screaming at me. He has never laid hands on me. When he finally makes me cry he laughs at me and then tells me to stop the dramatics. When I repeat his words back to him I’m told I’m crazy and I’m hearing things and making things up. And some times I actually be live him. But then the next day is always different he is better but tells me he wants a divorce as the day wears on I’m told how much he loves me and that we need to just let everything go. He then tells me he doesn’t want to hear how he hurt me or made me cry because I hurt him and make him cry and that I need to get over it. The thing is he stays up all night screaming at me then is too tired to go to work and tells his boss that it’s my fault for keeping him up all night. Oh yeah and everything we have gotten in our relationship is his…I own nothing.
The other thing is he is always such a sweetheart when other people are around but the second they leave I can’t do anything right and a added bonus I am ugly as sin and why would any man want a woman who allowed 6 children fall from her vagina. I has 2 c- sections (twins both times). I can’t seem to keep the house clean enough for him but yet he will not lift a finger. My girls are worried that one day he will hit me. He has told them he wants me dead.
I am very sorry you are in such an abusive relationship. I think you should give serious thought to bringing the relationship to an end if there is not a meaningful change in how he treats you. Marriage counseling may help, but I suspect your husband may not be interested in that course of action. The fact that your husband has failed in other marriages suggests that he is struggling with becoming a better husband. It sounds like he has the potential to be a good husband, but falls victim to his bad side far to often. Relationships in which someone is emotionally abusive are not good and can lead to other serious matters. If you have family or friends, consider seeking their support if you ever feel you need to act sooner than later. Have an immediate exit plan in place if it comes to that. If your husband is indeed making threatening statements about you to your girls, that is a huge problem on many fronts. Consider reaching out to women’s support systems in your area that can advise and counsel women who are subject to emotional abuse. Life is full of better paths and you need not continue along this path.
The problem is… This keeps happening…1st the mother (mine) the the 1st husband and now the 2nd. The only common demonator in this equation is me. So the only logical conclusion is I cause this to happen. I somehow deserve or ask for this treatment. And I must be a gluten because I keep going back for more. No other way around it no matter how I look at it. This is my fault I am the problem. Wish it wasn’t true but facts are facts….
YOU are NOT the sole cause of these relationship difficulties. No one is completely responsible for all the problems within a marriage. Sure, we can all do better. But the common denominator I see is you are seeking to find the right match for yourself. That is good thing. I wish selecting the right person to live our life with was an easy thing to do. It is not. We often make mistakes. We sometimes repeat the mistakes. I see you taking this experience and learning from it. Your husband is responsible for his behavior and treatment of his family. Don’t take responsibility for his actions. The truth is that neither you or the many thousands of women who are mistreated in their relationship deserve to be treated that way.
Sounds like my husband .. But me and. My husband spent apart for 6 months . we got back together . We agrueed to change. But boy i was wrong . He seemed to find any reason to pick a fight .. I think he might be putting things in my drinks but he says “oh, you just want a excuse to do drugs” i stayed quite and started to cry right their i knew he was .. Thats what i got so later on i ask what that was about .. He said what are you talking about I never said that you are crazy.. Like right now all everyone asleep am up .
Because when the kids went to sleep i went to our room to ask him are we gonna need a divorse he said yes ..i left the room crying … I love with all my heart. He is a funny caring charming person but he does make me crazy .. To think about it . I quit my job. I stopped hanging out with my family.
I even stopped learning how to drive he always accuse me of cheating . he lies alot and gets busted. I am horrible to i will call his work while am at home hey how is work .
Then ask him why havent u called me . he says he is busy at work but in realty he is just ingoring me .. As have kids together and got a new place we were excited but didnt last long.. Iwe started to argue , him not coming home ..so one day he breaks my phone eight and man .. He visits. His mom and after that he starts to act like a super nice guy even in feont of the kids he acts super nice and ask me Babe why are u mad. Is it because u dont love me .. He tells the kids am crazy they ate started to believe it it hurts so bad guys just please please pray for us .. Oh … I had left him about 5 times .. I believe him when he says he will chamge and he doesnt but i love him so much .. We meet when i was 15 am now 28 years . so please pray for us. With God all things are possible and our marriage will work.
I just applied for a job but when my husband found out he became so angry. I told him I did it because my girls were heading off to school and I needed something besides a few hours in class each day to keep from thinking about them being so far a way. That made things worse. He told me that I didn’t have faith in his ability to support us that my going out and applying for a job is making him look bad. That I’m to stupid to be able to hold down a job anyway so even try. So I finally said that if I get a call to come in for an interview I will tell them that I can’t do to a family member needing me. Just saying that turned things from ugly to even uglier I was then asked why in the H would you apply to just end up not taking it? Why do I have to cover all the bills in this relationship? It’s really hard to tell the difference between my husband and who I secretly call the daemon. He then asked a very pointed question. If you were to take this job are you going to leave me? I didn’t answer for what seemed like 10 minutes but it wasn’t that long. I finally told him I was thinking about it. I said that even though I love you, I can’t we can’t go on like this. There is no happiness here. I’m scared of you. He just stood there for a long time…then he very quickly and very quietly walked out the door with out saying a word. He must have called a friend because he left and didn’t come home for 2 days. When he finally walked in the door there were no words at first. He sat on the couch turned on the T.V. and said “get me a beer” since that day no ugly words have been said but you can feel the tension in the air and now when he looks at me he just glares at me as if he’s looking through me…I took the job and I’m looking for a studio apartment. I’m not going to stay here a moment longer than I have to.
If you feel unsafe, consider staying with a friend until you are able to secure living arrangements.
“Get me a beer!” you don’t deserve that. I don’t care who you are, you are a beautiful soul and he is ugly. You are better of without him. I know you have seen the older women just hanging out having coffee and talking not a care in the world. It’s because their nasty old bitter selfish husbands die a lot sooner because their blood pressure is elevated. I feel like this is a gift from God. Don’t wait around for that. Be free and be glad your kids are grown. You do what is best for you for once. But please be safe and careful. That is abuse, he is manipulative and you don’t have to take it.
Here here! I now have health issues all related to the passive aggressive treatment from my husband.
I am so sad because I was a bad wife and now my husband has left me for another woman now I don’t know what to do.
Take an opportunity to read some of my articles here. And remind yourself of a truth. It takes two to make for problems within a marriage. It is not as simple as you being a “bad” wife. No doubt, there are things your husband did that contributed to the marital discord.
Move on. Forgive yourself! Don’t take the guilt with you. You are still very worthy of love. If you haven’t already, just say sorry to him. Don’t linger there or it will turn into more. Remove the burden from yourself at that movement like releasing a balloon into the sky. YOU CAN DO IT!
I’m a married man and having the same “don’t wanna be here feelings” too. Been married for nearly 30 years but the desire to “get away” from her is becoming powerful. I’m afraid I’m heading to this divorce discussion. I spend a lot of time thinking about being alone and being happy, again. I just don’t feel connected to her anymore and I’m straying away. My mind is creating all sorts of ways to stay away from home. I want to be happy, but I cant seem to get there now with her beside me. I’m not sure whats happened and I’m simply unhappy.
It sounds like your are trapped in a rut. Sometimes when that happens we get trapped inside our own minds and we can also lose perspective. Perhaps consider going off on a multi day trip. For example, if you are a hiker, you could go cross country hiking for a few days. This will allow you to gain some alone time and think about your top priorities and what you may wish to do in the future.
Gary I hope things have worked out… that is what my husband is doing to me… but I know he got into porn, online dating and was sending money to Africa to a girl… we have been married 25 years… he is so far from God… please pray for us
There is a bit too much of this is how men are in this article.
One thing that bears mentioning: please, all consider if there is something you did or are doing that offends your husband or makes him fear you. He could be harboring a grudge from an old offense. Or pre-emptively stopping a nagging attack.
In my case, I either hid from my wife (now ex-wife) or yelled at her. Did I hate her? Yes, I did hate the person she had become. I wanted my old wife back, but now realize that person is long gone.
My story may be extreme, but we lost a daughter in an accident, immediately claimed she had been murdered (???) and then started taking it out on me. She even insisted that our deceased daughter was my least favorite child, and also kept trying to prove to me how terrible a father I had been to her. (She left after 3 years, leaving me and our surviving kids behind, and has cut us all off).
Change the situation to a more normal one (yours), and look at what you are doing, or have done. These things usually go both ways. If you can, try to redevelop a different style of communication with your husband. And consider marriage counseling if it gets extreme (something my ex-wife refused to go to).
Some very wise counsel
Interesting. I didn’t think this article validated the female’s feelings or concerns at all. If it’s bothering her, there’s definitely a point to her story. It’s not all about “give him space” and “look at it from HIS point of view”. I might be biased, but if it acts like a jerks and talks like a jerk, it’s probably a jerk.
You are right Mary…if there is a repeated pattern of a guy acting like a jerk…then he is probably just that. If he is something that doesn’t often occur, then giving him some space to wind down might be helpful.