Why Doesn’t My Ex Husband Miss Me After the Breakup

If you want you ex husband to miss you after going through a tough and painful divorce or breakup, then you must have your reasons!

You must believe that you and your ex husband have some unfinished business and you are determined to get the marriage back on track.

Perhaps the two of you have been together for a long time and those bonds of marriage have tied you together.  Studies show that the longer a couple is together in marriage, the greater their chances of remaining married.

So just perhaps you are hanging part of your hopes on the fact that your ex husband won’t be able to easily forget the good times.  That he will miss you more than he himself may realize right now.

What Might Compel Your Ex Husband To Miss You

I think these are some of the things that can cause a wife, whose ex husband has seemingly moved on, to feel there is a worthwhile chance to get him back.

But it has to be more than that, right?

You are not going to feel compelled to pursue your ex husband unless there are other things going on.  I am not talking about your love for him. We know that that is nearly impossible to erase.  You know what I mean.

What I am talking about is more basic and core to relationships between men and women. Once you have shared a number of years with a person, that attachment and connection simply does not just vanish like a disappearing act.

You might wonder if he is getting tired of you.  I delved into this topic in this post….

https://marriagerecovery.com/is-my-husband-over-me-or-just-tired-of-being-married-to-me/

The special memories you experienced with your ex husband are not simply figments of the mind that you or your ex can shove off into the back of your brain.

These thoughts have a way of just percolating up.

Remember this, because later, I am going to show you how you can leverage the fond thoughts of the past to cause your ex to miss you and even reconsider if the breakup, separation, or divorce was the right thing to do.

Of course, there may be some very pragmatic reasons for why you want your ex husband to think about giving it all another try.

Maybe there are children involved and you want to keep the family together for the good of the kids.

It could be that there are financial considerations.  Perhaps your religious convictions cause you to turn over every stone to make the marriage work again.

So I understand there are probably a lot of things you are thinking about.

Maybe your ex husband was the love of your life and after being apart from him, you realize that if you can make him miss you as much as you miss him, something good will assuredly come from it all.

And perhaps so.

But when it comes to love, romance, marriage,  and eventually broken hearts, not everything is so easy to sort through and figure out.

So that is why before I proceed with giving you some pointers on how you can make your ex husband really and truly miss you in all the right ways, I have to ask you, “Are you sure?”

Do You Really Want Your Ex Hubby Back in Your Life?

Are you sure you want him to miss you in such a way that he becomes part of your everyday life?

What if he does come back to you shortly after the ink is dry on the divorce? Will you be ready to completely commit to all the hard work necessary to make the relationship successful?

Do you think your ex husband has truly changed?

Are you sure you are not acting on your own insecurity and anxiety of being alone?

Can you be sure that you are not driven by your brain chemistry which in many ways has caused you to be addicted to the comforting routines you and your ex husband participated in when you were married?

Could you be putting too much stock in those good memories when you were happily married and things seemed to be going well?

How will you feel if you choose to reunite with your ex husband, only to discover that he was just looking for a sexual encounter?

Are worst, you and your husband hook up again and he returns to his old ways, causing friction and unhappy times to creep back into the marriage.

I know!  That is a lot of questions.

And quite honestly, I think they are tough relationship questions for anyone to answer.  So I guess I am trying to tell you that if you don’t feel like you have good answers, then slow things down.  Don’t rush into something that you may later regret.

But I Really Want My Ex Husband Back in my Life…

But let’s say you are really sure you want your ex husband back.

Let’s assume you have all the right reasons to give it another go and you are willing to take the risk of putting yourself “out there” again.

Let’s say that you are certain you want your man back and the idea that you can do something to cause your ex to miss you terribly is music to your ears.

So what can you do to get your relationship back on track?  I answered this question in the post below….

https://marriagerecovery.com/what-does-my-relationship-need/

When one of my clients, Brenda, asked me to help her with re-attracting her ex husband, that was pretty much all she was thinking about.

She wanted to know what she could do to get him back and reasoned she needed to get him into a receptive state of mind.  She wanted her husband to feel like his life was incomplete without her in it.

She and her ex husband had made a good run of marriage.

Sure, things didn’t work out so well in the end, but the way Brenda looked at it, that was just a hurdle for them to both get over.

Now, let me tell you something about Brenda.  She was not a woman who had wild aspirations about getting back  with her ex husband.  She didn’t think he was her Prince and she was the Princess and things could simply fall in place and they would live happily ever after in their kingdom of marriage.

In fact, she was pretty pragmatic and down to earth.  She knew that the marriage had a foundation.  It collapsed when her husband found out that she had a fling with a co-worker.  It was a huge mistake and she knew it.

At that time of the affair, she didn’t quite see it that way. Their marriage had gotten worn out.  Sex occurred less frequently and the fun and spontaneity they use to enjoy had taken a back seat to the drudgery of life.

While the relationship was comfortable for them both, she had longed for something new and exciting.  Well, she found that, she thought, with another man she had met at work and the affair was carried out in secrecy for several months, at least until it was discovered.

That is when the enormity of the huge mistake she had made by straying came crashing down.  She saw the pain that her promiscuity had caused her husband (and herself).

Looking back, she realized that what she and her ex husband had was a pretty solid marriage.  It was far from perfect, but it was working and could have improved if she had not acted impulsively to enter into an affair.

Making the Marriage Work the Second Time Around

She wanted her man back. That is what motivated Brenda.

But how do you get your husband to give you a second chance when you know you blew up the marriage the first time around?

She sincerely believed her marriage in the past had been resilient and refused to believe that one terrible mistake which was borne from her own selfishness was enough to derail the relationship forever.

I have seen plenty of cases like this where a couple enjoyed many good years, but there was insufficient effort by the husband and wife to occasionally refresh.  Every marriage benefits from being reinvented in some ways.

Relationships can grow stale if your routines and habits become to predictable.

I wrote a rather long post on this topic about things a couple can do to maximize their happiness.  Take a look.

https://marriagerecovery.com/how-to-save-your-troubled-marriage/

Brenda was still struck by the memories of better days and was convinced that her ex husband could be convinced to give her another try.

But how would she make him long for her?

I turned out, she was full of thoughts on the topic!

What can I say!

The lady I was advising was very determined to make things right.  So that was definitely helpful in trying to heal a failed marriage.

How Can You Get Your Ex Husband to Turn the Page?

So how does one really go about making the man… the guy who you cheated on…… forget the whole episode?

Short answer.  That won’t happen, but you can help him turn the page.  But first you have to start with forgiving yourself.  That is critically important and I could write an entire post on that subject, but let’s move on.

How does a couple put behind them all of the rough and tumble  that spilled out of their breakup?

As you know, breakups are usually ugly and sometimes the worst damage occurs after the break when the anger and reprisals kick in.

Fortunately, there was not too much of that with Brenda and her husband.

She knew in her heart that he still loved her and was struggling with forgiving her over the extramarital affair.  She knew he was a proud man and had only recently gone against his true nature with some angry and bitter responses.

So she was of the mind that if she could replace the bad thoughts he was harboring for her and replace them with more pleasant and positive thoughts, it might lead to reconciliation.

I told her I agreed, but that it was important that she not try so hard to supplant all of the angry and upset feelings her husband was experiencing.

I explained that to a large degree, people need to go through different emotional phases in order to come out the other side, whole.

And in this case, in order for her husband to wade through his anger and resentment for her choosing to enter into an affair, she needed to allow some time to go by.

Possibly more than she was prepared to accept at the time we initially spoke.

There are some things that happen between people that cannot be forgiven for a good amount of time.  Trust has to be rebuilt.  And trying to force all that to happen to quickly can backfire.

So rushing her ex through his stages of grief, and yes that is what her husband was experiencing, would not serve her well in the long run.

That was a problem in the beginning with my client because she wanted everything to change immediately.  It just doesn’t work that way I emphasized.

“He needs his time and space“, I reinforced.

“And by the way,” I told her, “if you have not done so already, you need to end the relationship with the other man. And your husband needs to understand this.”

I also explained that when it was time to rebuild attraction, it should be sprinkled in, over time.

Brenda, in the beginning of our consultation, was not convinced of giving her estranged husband so much alone time.  She struggled with pulling back. She was a natural extrovert and go getter.

She reasoned that the more time that went by, the greater the divide between the two of them would grow.

Also, way in the back of her mind, she feared he may stumble his way into the arms of another woman.

So there were a lot of things going on in Brenda’s mind during this aftermath period. I explained to her that her feelings of helter skelter was not unusual, but had to be contained.  I told her that in such times, we can be our own worst enemy by trying to push things too much.

A Determined Wife and a Reluctant Husband

Nevertheless, my client was exceptionally determined.

She rattled off all the things she wanted her husband to miss about her.

I could tell she had done quite a bit of thinking about this subject and was motivated to get up inside her ex husband’s head.  I am not saying she wasn’t on to something, but the way she wanted to approach things was a bit heavy handed.

So I talked her down.

I was seeing that she had become so worked up over this situation with her estranged husband, it had turned into an obsession.  My role was to slow her down and offer up some practical and thoughtful ways to re-ignite the missing spark between her and her ex husband.

As an illustration, here are some of the things she told me.  I am paraphrasing, but I think you get that she was dealing with some resentment issues as well.

“I want him to miss the way I move and smell and what it is like to hold me in the night.”

“I want my ex husband to realize I am the best thing for him.”  

“I  don’t want him to suffer, but he has to realize he can go on hating me all the time.” (I detected some anger behind this one!)

“I envision this in my mind“, “she explained to me.  “He is watching me, even quietly stalking me to check out what I am up to.  I want him to wonder if I am with the other man”.

Yep, Brenda was quite a character.

One big advantage she possessed in my view is that she is a strong-willed woman.  She was beautiful and exceptionally motivated and knew what her ex had to offer and wanted him back in her life.

So I gave her a 3 step plan starting first with just cooling it with the jealousy plays.  Jealousy can be effective is its deployed correctly, particularly in very small doses.  But I never recommend using jealousy in cases when a relationship has be impacted by an affair.

3 Amazing Ways to Make Your Ex Husband Miss You

If you are trying to get your ex husband’s attention, think small steps.

And I also want you to think of doing the opposite of what you might be thinking.

Most people want to pursue an aggressive approach, reaching out to their ex husband every day in an effort to win him back.

They end up sending far too many text messages.

They swing by unannounced at their ex husband’s place, hoping that something good will come of it.

They call their ex with a “made up” excuse to discuss something and at the first opportunity seek to guide the conversation to an area more personal.

This is usually the wrong approach.

It often better to do none of these things.  Rather, you want to do the opposite of what your ex husband might be expecting.

Perhaps he already senses you want to reconcile.  And certainly, if the marital breakup was over an affair, eventually you both will have some serious things to talk about when the time is right.

But what can often be more successful is practicing the “less is more” approach.

You do not have to adopt a full-out No Contact approach with your interactions with your ex husband.  Invariably, things will come up where the two of you have to talk.  But when you do, stay away (in those early days) from any topics that might lead to conflict.

I know.  That is is much easier to say, than done.  But it is imperative you avoid contact early on because the emotions could still be quite raw.

I prefer a passive aggressive approach to getting your ex to miss you.

Here are 5 ideas.

1.  Keep all your social media accounts open. Don’t attempt to block him from looking at what is going on in your social life.  Chances are high that your ex will be checking up on you.  This is particularly the case if the separation and divorce was due to an affair on your part.  Or if the two of you parted in a contentious manner, he won’t be able to stop himself from checking up on you.  It is just ingrained in most of us to know what is going on. Remember, the two of you had a lot of history together.  You both enjoyed many private and intimate moments.  So his desire to keep tabs on you won’t just dissipate over night.  So use social media to your advantage.  Put up pictures of you looking happy (but no joyous) and in the company of friends (not men friends if you cheated on him). Sprinkle in some little nuggets of fond memories and experiences (i.e. travel, vacations, etc) you had with your ex. Just make a reference to it in a way that is comes off as a side comment, not the main topic. Make little, self revealing statements about how your ex was “truly a special person” and veiled references about how the “future is unpredictable” and how we all live with “regrets“.  Just put a piece of yourself out there, but in a subtle way so that it can be interpreted in different ways.  What you are doing is sprinkling little “breadcrumbs” for your ex husband to notice and eventually he may follow your trail, picking up on your availability.  Sometimes, all it takes is a small idea in one mind’s to take root.  Then it can grow to something bigger.  That is what you are trying to achieve with your ex.  Putting little seeds of thoughts in his mind and letting it slowly take root.   Over time, you sprinkle more seeds and allow his “garden of desire” to take shape.

2. Put a smile on your Ex’s face. After you have given your ex husband some space for a while, surprise him with a simple gift from a place like Mancrates.com.  You can get a gift and have it enclosed in a CRATE.  When it arrives at your ex husband’s place, he will have no idea what is in it and who sent it.  The gift should not be very expensive.  It really is just the thought  it came from you that counts.  It is hard to remain angry and bitter at someone when they send you a surprise in a CRATE. Men love tearing into things.  And his curiosity of what it is and who sent it to him will give your ex a memorable experience.  That is what you are trying to do.  It is a form of what is called “misattribution of emotion“.  The enjoyment and interest he derives from opening the big CRATE will be attributed to you.  Those positive emotions transfers to you in his mind.  So you are trying to replace some of the negative thoughts he may be harboring for you, with positive ones.

3. Become the Ungettable Wife.  The most effective way to cause your ex to want to be with you is to become the very best version of yourself.   To accomplish that, you need to be loving and nice to yourself.  You need to become your own best friend.  Take yourself out.  Pamper yourself.  Be sweet and kind to yourself. Face it, breaking up is really hard on your emotional health.  So if you are going to be in any position to re-attract your ex husband, then you need to become the most unforgettable and ungettable woman he has ever seen or met.  If that means losing some weight so you can fit in that lovely sexy dress you will be wearing in that next pic you will be posting on Facebook, then do it.  If that means you need to start a small business or get that promotion or do something to improve your independence and wealth, then do it.  And since we are talking about wealth, let’s not forget about growing your wealth of spirit and your wealth of good friends, and your wealth of places you wish to travel to.  These are some of the things you may need to do to repair your own hurt and pain and at the same time make yourself the most beautiful, sexy, and fun person to be around.  That is what the Ungettable Wife or Girl is all about.  She is ungettable, because men look at her and think, “wow, there is no way I could ever have that“!

In the case of your ex husband, you want him to think, “wow, do I really know that woman.  My god, she use to be my wife and look at her now!”

I am not saying you will need to achieve the absolute highest level of being the “ungettable wife”, but you can try.   You see, that is the thing about being ungettable.  No one really knows quite how to define and describe it.  But men can feel it and get a sense of it.  And whatever progress you make in better yourself, your ex husband will most assuredly notice.  Then he will starting missing you, his lovely, ungettable and unforgettable wife.

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