I was contacted the other day by a young woman who is presently separated from her husband….soon to be ex husband according to her current sentiments. She had met a new guy and while she said it was not yet registering as a close or intimate relationship, she wanted to know if perhaps it was what is commonly called a rebound relationship.
She was not too sure quite how to define it and whether or not she should continue to explore how she felt about this new guy. She asked me if she should give it more time to see if love will bloom.
These are all good questions and it is probably best to start with what is a rebound relationship and even more importantly, why do they happen.
What Makes Us Prone to a Rebound?
When we are married or involved in a close relationship with someone we lover very much, a great deal of ourselves become invested in this other person at an emotional level or even spiritual level.
It is not unusual to wonder why your ex seemingly doesn’t miss you after the breakup. I get into this with this post….
We learn that love is more than just a word, but consists of many things, least of which is our need to experience a feeling of safety, closeness, and connection. After many months or years of experiencing those good vibrations of love, we in a way become addicted both physically and psychologically.
This is what leads to one of the top questions I get from women. They want to know if they should sleep with their ex husband. They want to know if jumping into bed and having sex with their ex hubby is going to muck up their lives.
I got into this specific topic when I wrote the post below. Be sure to check it out!
When this relationship it is taken away from us or ends abruptly, we often will look for a way to replace it. This is where the term “rebound relationship” comes into play.
Often what happens is a person will be pulled in the direction of wanting (almost needing) to be part of something in order to replace the lost feelings of safety, connection, and closeness. When it was part of your every day life, you took it for granted. When you are recently divorced or separated, these feelings are slipping away, fast.
So sometimes a person will look for a way to bridge those lost feelings and transfer their affection to another. Often times, it does not work out because the person got involved with this other person for all the wrong reasons. So in such cases, the affected individual (e.g. the recent divorcee) is truly rebounding from that which was previously lost.
The Dark Side of a Rebound Relationship
Now sometimes people fall into rebound relationships for other reasons. And let me tell ya, there is little fun or relief in such relationships. Somewhat darker forces will compel some people to pursue another relationship. A person may decide to experiment a bit and enter into another relationship partly to satisfy some of the things I discussed above. But another motivating factor could be their desire to strike back at their ex husband or wife. They may revel in the notion that there ex husband or ex wife may feel the pangs of jealousy as they learn about their new beau.
Another way a person can find themselves engaged in a rebound relationship is what I call the “best intentions date“. This happens when a friend, whose usually only has your best interest in mind, decides to set you up for a date. Perhaps you have been moping around the house too much since you and your husband or wife broke it off. Your friend is thinking, “I have a really good match in mind so let me come to the rescue“.
Maybe the divorce has been messy and your friend just wants to help you get your mind off all of ugliness. Like I said, usually the motivation help is heartfelt and their thinking is that you just “need to get out there” and live a little.
I got a call from Sally a few weeks back and she was telling me about her situation. She and her husband of six years had split up. They were separated and looking seriously at divorce. They both agreed to give it six months before taking up in serious measures (i.e. filing divorce papers), but they were already living apart and moving forward with their own lives.
It so happens Sally’s best friend knew a guy that she thought would be a nice match and after introductions, Sally and this other guy were going out on casual dates. At the time, Sally was not interested in dating, but figured it wouldn’t hurt either. After all, she was looking for a new distraction and hopefully something that would be fun.
What made this more of a rebound play in my view is that while she was dating this guy and while they had a a few intimate encounters, Sally was not convinced she wanted a divorce and continued to communicate with her husband during the separation period.
The way Sally looked at it, no harm, no foul. Realizing that she was playing with potential “trouble”, she kept her relationship with this other man under wraps. But of course, you can never keep everything secret, particularly when you are dealing with matters of the heart.
Suffice to say, everything blew up in Sally’ face a few months later when her husband learned that she was intimate with this other guy. That revelation, ended up setting back any attempts to reconcile for many more months. Of course, none of this was part of what Sally wanted. Things just sort of took on a life of its own. She was lonely and one need led to another and before she knew it, her desire to reconcile with her husband had suffered a setback.
So now that you have a better idea of what causes people to find themselves involved in a rebound relationship. Let’s explore whether such relationships are good, bad, or if it really does not matter in the scheme of things.
I guess if you are looking for the short answer as to whether a rebound relationship is something you should avoid or if it is a stepping stone to getting where you want, I will have to disappoint. In my view it is all of those things and more.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up if You Find Yourself in a Rebound
First of all, just know that if you find yourself involved in a relationship that could be characterized as “a rebound”, it is not that unusual. Indeed, it is very natural, as we discussed earlier, to want to fill in the void, that part of you that is missing companionship, love, feelings of security and many more things.
None of us are designed to completely shut off our feelings and needs after something as difficult as a breakup, separation or divorce has occurred. We still need to be loved. We still need someone to talk with on a daily basis. We still want to feel that there is someone that will help us in our time of need. We still have deep emotional and sexual needs that should be met.
Sure, there may be others in your life that can give you some of this. Just because you are alone and your husband or wife are no longer part of the picture, does not mean that your whole existence will be shattered. People are much more resilient than they even realize.
But my point is that when those special things that a relationship can bring into your life is taken away, it can hurt and you can suffer. So in that respect, it is perfectly normal to reach out and look for someone that can help you fulfill some or even all of those needs.
Now, that does not mean this person will end up being your future bride or husband. And nor does it mean that by entering into such a relationship you are committed to never returning to your husband or wife. What it does mean though is you are human and you are only seeking to put the pieces of your life together by finding someone suitable you can benefit from.
Of course, for this to be a healthy relationship, both of you should benefit and if you enter into such a relationship, you need to be completely honest with yourself and the individual about your needs and motives. Quite frankly, that is easier said than done in affairs of the heart.
So are all rebound relationship beneficial and help you with your healing and filling the void that is now in your life?
No, they are not. Some people rush into rebound relationships due to their anxieties and fears getting the best of them. The may enter into a rebound relationship impulsively for all the wrong reasons and get locked into a relationship with someone that just makes things worse.
You may be looking for a quick fix, whether it be an emotional bond or possibly even a sexual encounter. It is entirely possible you could find yourself in the middle of a situation that you will almost later regret, causing even more harm to your sense of self.
Don’t Act Impulsively
I had client who was so broke up over her separation which was precipitated by her husband’s affair, she impulsively decided to have multiple short term sexual encounters with her husband’s friends.
She told me that she knew at the time that she was seducing these guys that what she was doing was going to just blow up and she would end up feeling awful about it all. But something inside her (anger) was pushing her to do it. And just as she had predicted, after a few months of jumping literally from on bed to the next, she came close to really melting down.
When we are married and then something happens to change all of that, we lose a part of ourselves. It is hard to understand it, until it has happened to you. But when it does, the sense of not being completely whole can be overwhelming.
Coupled with that feeling is often a loss of self esteem and self worth. This is what was happening with the woman who was jumping from one sexual rebound rendezvous to the next. Anger was in part fueling her motivation, but deep inside she felt that her self esteem had been ripped away.
She was harboring thoughts that perhaps she was no longer an attractive woman or that she was not sufficiently good in bed. So she was going to prove her husband wrong and show him just how attractive she truly was. That was what the little (angry) voice was telling her.
And unfortunately, she followed this inner voice to a place that led her down a slippery road. On one hand, she gained confidence and assurances that she was still a “catch” and that men found her attractive and that she could please many men in bed. But when her series of rebound relationships was all over, she felt completely ashamed and disappointing that she had taken such measures to prove her worth.
In cases like this, it clearly does not benefit you to enter into such a rebound type of relationship. Trying to teach your ex a lesson or gaining short term pleasure through casual sexual affairs is almost always a quicker path to self destruction.
So it begs the question, are there any instances in which a rebound relationship can be helpful, even healthy in the long run?
Sometimes a Rebound Relationship Works Out
I had a client whose name was Billie. She had been divorced for a few months and was really struggling in what she should do with her life. Earlier, prior to the divorce going through, she had gotten herself caught up in a rebound relationship.
The guy she met seemed like a good guy at the time and he understood that she was going through a tough time in many respects. She was still dealing with the obvious disappointment that her marriage of eleven years was coming to an end. She did not harbor any false hopes that it could all come back together. She knew better.
Her ex husband had been a serial philanderer and after all of the facts came out, it was as if she was living with a stranger. So in large part, the divorce was something she sought out and wanted very much. What made it all the more difficult was not just the normal challenges of recovering from such heart ache, but her ex husband was not wanting the marriage to end.
He played every angle to guilt her back into giving him yet another chance. And what made it painful was that she knew she still loved him, but felt she could never trust him again. The final straw was when she discovered that he was seeing another woman during the trial separation. Previously, they had both agreed to live apart for awhile, but go to counseling. Things seemed to be improving and she even held out some hope that just perhaps she could learn to forgive him and the two of them could start anew.
All of that went out the window when she learned her husband was back to his old ways. Shortly after all this happened, she met someone and while she was still literally rebounding from the pain and shock of what her ex husband had put her through, she agree to start seeing this other man.
So while she and the new man in her life seemed to hit it off really well and made each other happy much of the time, my client was just not ready to get involved in a serious relationship. She needed more time to deal with the aftermath of her divorce and just “find” herself again, as she said. So she broke it off in a gentle way with this other man, simply telling him the truth about her emotional struggles and need to be alone for a spell.
So in once sense, what Billie had with this other guy would indeed be characterized as a rebound relationship. It had all the markings of something that got started far too early.
But in this case, the rebound relationship turned out to be a positive event. Because later, Billie was able to confront and defeat her emotional demons and when she felt she was ready, reached back out to this man who had once “been there” for her. Because of their previous history together and the positive experiences they enjoyed when together, he agreed to see her again. After a few months it turned out to be a good choice for them both.
In summary, rebound relationships can take on all forms. They need not eleven be of the romantic variety. Sometimes they can help us through hard times. Sometimes they can make times even harder for ourselves and others that we love.
Try to recognize what might be happening to you if you find yourself in between relationships. Embrace your true feelings. Act out not from your emotions, but from your sense of what is best for you.
To accomplish these things, you need to recognize that if your are coming off a break up or are in the middle of a separation or divorce, you are in a vulnerable place. Take things slow and before you enter into a romantic, sexual, or even casual relationship, ask yourself if your are really ready. If you don’t trust your own answer, then seek out a close friend and ask them. Sometimes it is better to wait, than to take a plunge into the deep or the unknown.
5 responses to “A Rebound Relationship After Marriage, Divorce, Separation”
My husband of 25 years and I had a very rocky relationship. In fact, we were living separately (but still seeing each other) when I was diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer.
He met a hospice nurse, a woman trained to care for very sick people, in a bar when she walked in and sat beside him. She knew who he was, she knew who I was, and she knew I was battling cancer. They soon began an intimate affair and I didn’t find out for four months. I was still receiving chemo and hadnt even undergone my surgery. By the way, she’d lost her husband 4 years prior. Within a month of discovering the affair, my ex left, moved in with the nurse, and subsequently filed for divorce. My health suffered greatly due to depression but I am now in remission. I’m still waiting for the divorce to be finalized. It’s been two years since he left. How could he choose this woman over me? He’d only known her for 4 months! I’ve been wrestling with this all day, every day. I can’t stop obsessing about it. Please offer some advice. I was hospitalized once for depression and am still very sad.
Hi Laury. I am very sorry you have suffered such pain. But you are obviously an incredibly strong woman to have survived these physical and emotional challenges life has thrown at you. Use that strength to heal your broken heart. I know you can do it. Seek out a support group you can be a part of as it can be immensely powerful to have others who understand your pain and help you shoulder it. Proactively consider individual therapy to address your moods that at times gravitate to depression. You can get help and treatment. There are still many, many things for you to do and enjoy in life. We can learn from the past, but it is best not to dwell on it. Focus on your needs. I don’t know your husband, but you sound like an amazing person with a strong will. Letting you go is his loss. If things were rocky in the past, why go back to that. I believe you can do better and feel better with the future you carve out.
Thank you for taking the time to write back. Your response was very kind and thoughtful.
I guess I am strong, but foolish as well. I should have worked harder on my marriage. Oftentimes, I’d take my husband for granted. I wish we could give it another go. I must let go first. Then we’ll see.
I’m so happy I found your blog! How nice to find someone on the net who is willing to share advice without trying to sell you something. I understand that in the future, you may need to change that format. Thank you either way!
You are not foolish. You just worked very hard to make things work in the marriage over the years. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships don’t always work out and sometimes we can’t know that until we enter into the relationship. So it is not unusual for their to be setbacks and times when we accept that we should embark on another path. Best of luck to you and best wishes to you and yours.
My wife of 10 years this July and 13 total left me for another man last week.
I went on a business trip, and while gone she packed her things and moved into another mans house she met a few months prior.
I was busy with work and started a second business, so I did not see the signs. Two months earlier she asked me if it was ok to babysit for a friend. He was a single dad with two small boys. I said sure, it will get you out of the house and make a little money.
She has triplets that I have raised since they were 4 years old. She kept her relationship a secret from everyone up until she left. The night she left she gave the kids a choice on where to live. They could move in with her new guy or move in with friends.
Two decided to stay with me and one moved in with her. Non of the kids wanted to abandon me even though they are not biollogcy mine.
She still talks to me and I still feel the need to be their for her. She has no job and with out our account has no spending money. This new guy does not offer any finacical support and so am confused.
She left me for a guy that barely makes enough money to support himself and his 2 kids. She wants to get s job so I made a resume for her and so told her that so am here for her.
I spent hours each night searching my soul on why this hsppened, and why she felt that I didn’t love her enough.
The second day after she left, she told me she did it so that I wouldn’t stress anymore about trying to make enough money for her. That she did this for me and that she needed a change. While together we drank every other night. I think it was a way to cope with the pain we both felt, and something to share with each other.
I love this woman with all my hear and shaped my life around her wants and needs. I am trying to get her back, but my daughter said she is happy with this new guy and thinks they are falling in love. “In Love?” How can she throw me away and so quickly fall for someone else.
I am seeking help anywhere so can find it. My friends tell me to move on she is the one at fault for hurting me and our kids. I do not put the whole blame on her, I know I neglected her emotional needs, I want to show her that I am there in every way shape and form.