You have heard it here. We are going to talk about how to deal with getting back your baby Daddy.  As society changes, so does our vernacular. So let me add to the vocabulary. I like to call the men who walk away from their wives or girlfriends in the middle of or after pregnancy as baby Daddy Walkers.

Just to be clear,  I am talking about that husband or boyfriend who decides to break off the relationship when their wife (or girlfriend) is “with child”. Or it could be a situation where the guy breaks off the relationship  sometime after the child is born.

when baby daddy leaves wife

There are probably a lot of bad names we can conjure up for individuals who decide they are not going to participate in helping you through your pregnancy and all the aftermath following the birth.  No doubt, all relationships are tested during such times.  So instead of contributing to your misery, let’s figure out what your focus should be going forward.

If you are looking to get your baby daddy back, you have arrived at the right place.  And let me give you a quick heads up.  Getting your Ex back, if you happen to have a baby by this man,  is very much about embracing yourself.  Hang in there, this advice will become clearer as your read through the post.

You will probably also benefit from reading this post I wrote that addresses how to get your man back after a marriage breakup.

First, let me tell you a story that seems to unfold far too many times in women’s lives.  It touches on all of the things women want and also what they fear.  And it goes right to the heart of the responsibilities of a couple, particularly as it relates to the care and welfare of their child.

When Your Baby’s Daddy Decides to Disappear From Your Life

how to deal with an ex who leaves baby and wife

Nothing is more fulfilling than having a baby together.  For that matter, it is an amazing and  special experience when you become pregnant.  It is something both husband and wife should share and cherish.

And nothing is more painful than when your baby Daddy, the father of your child, decides that he cannot deal with the responsibilities of marriage or parenting or both.  It can be incredibly painful when your baby daddy decides to up and leave in the middle of your pregnancy or shortly after you give birth.

It feels like a total wipe out when you husband or boyfriend panics and goes out the door, never to be seen again.

So, let’s say, you don’t see or  hear him from him for several days or weeks. What are you to do?  Is there some kind of baby Daddy jealousy play you should adopt? Should you seek to erase every trace of memory about this guy who has taken it upon himself to leave you at one of the most vulnerable periods in your life?

Let’s start first with trying to gain some perspective around one of the most unusually painful life experiences a woman can have.

a great start to a relationship

Men and women, every day, meet and over time fall in love.  They put their heart and soul into the relationship.  As time goes by, the couple draws closer and begin having serious conversations about living together, tying the knot, and having babies.

After a while, from the perspective of the woman, when it appears that her boyfriend is serious about getting serious, she opens up her heart and starts really trusting in the future.

Low and behold, the romance, turns into a deep and abiding relationship. The dream of spending a lifetime with your soulmate takes center stage. It can all feel like it is happening in a rush.  Yet in another way, it may seem like the journey has been long and winding.  The two love birds are wed and before you know it they have a child together.  Now we have a nuclear family consisting of Mommy, Daddy, and Baby.

All seems well in this love story……at least that is how most relationships start off, right?   They usually begin with this sense of excitement and renewed hope for a wonderful future.  But something can happen along the way to your belief in a future filled with bliss.

baby daddy drops out of relationship

The Daddy, for whatever reason, decides he wants to chuck the relationship. Whether it is due to his need to escape the realities of rearing a baby or he is just a rotten scoundrel, sometimes the baby’s Daddy goes bye bye.

We know that there are usually many factors that can adversely influence a break up.  And when a baby is involved, seldom have I seen Daddies just up and go.  It happens, but not with regularity.   It is usually the exception to the rule for a husband or boyfriend who also happens to be a Daddy to decide to up and leave before or after the baby is born.

Unfortunately, we live in times where just about everything happens.  Whether such things, such as Baby Daddy Walkers (I like to call them), happen due to personal conflicts, financial issues,  cultural influences, or just downright selfishness and stupidity…..we must not lose hope.

If the relationship gods (just kidding) are going to advise on such matters, then we best call upon them because this is really serious business.  A couple with a new child (or baby along the way) are in stressful times even without the complications of Daddy getting second thoughts. A baby, whose entire future can be influenced by the commitment the parents have for rearing this child, should be the focal point.  But you now the story, right?  A handful of “should be’s” usually don’t get you very far.

So what can a women do if her baby Daddy goes missing?  What on earth possesses a baby Daddy to even consider breaking up during the pregnancy or shortly after the baby is born?

One thing I would advise you to do is take a look at this post I wrote on meeting up with your ex to talk through some things.  There is a time and place to get this accomplished.  It is not necessarily your first move to get things moving again.  But when it is time to strike, you will be better prepared by reading this post I wrote:


We are going to explore these questions because it helps to understand the “why” such things are happening.  We are going to come to understand why a man would become a baby Daddy walker.  And we are going to explore what you may want to do about it.

Why Did I Marry a Baby Daddy Walker?

why did I marry a guy who leaves me

I realize it is very tough on you when the man of your dreams decides to abandon you and the dream of your life, your new baby.  When I hear of these stories, it really makes me upset and I have to try to put my feelings in my pocket and look critically at the situation to help the client.

I understand that when your husband or boyfriend abandons you and your baby that such an event is shocking and bewildering.  The only good thing about the timing of learning such news is that as a new mother to a little baby, you are literally occupied 24/7 with the caring, feeding, and loving of this beautiful new addition in our life.

Staying busy with all of the responsibilities of motherhood is taxing in so many ways.  It is exhausting.  But if there is a silver lining, it does help keep you engaged with something your care about very much.  That is much better than constantly thinking about the boyfriend or husband that selfishly and cowardly decided to leave you.

So if this kind of thing happens to you, I would suggest you not think about how you are going to get him back.  Indeed, your focus should be on your own needs and the needs of your newborn.  The last thing you need to be chasing after is a failed relationship.

If you want your husband or boyfriend back or even if you are unsure if you should give him a second chance, just trust that the period immediately following a breakup is usually the worst time for you to be trying to patch things up.  This is where using what I call the No Contact Principle will pay dividends.

When I refer to the No Contact rule in this context, what I am talking about is simply choosing not to communicate or reach out to your husband or boyfriend in any way.  This period of refraining to communicate and interact with your husband or boyfriend should usually last 21 to 30 days.

Remember, he left you and your baby.  You need time to heal and sort things out. So avoid reaching out to him in any way.  And if he attempts to call or text you, ignore his efforts.  In the beginning, your baby Daddy will probably think you are just mad and trying to punish him.  But as days grow to weeks, he will come to understand something more meaningful and powerful is happening.  Just maybe, he will start to come to terms how irresponsible and destructive his behavior has been.

If your baby Daddy walks out of your life and your child’s life, then it is best to let him keep walking.  Now, I am not saying that you should never consider giving him a second chance.  That could be in the cards.  What I am trying to say is that your focus after your baby Daddy disappears from your life is to turn in the direction of self independence.

You priority should revolve around your own needs.  And when I say turn “independent”, I am not suggesting your should become a loner or try and do everything yourself.

To the contrary, I think in such a situation when you have been abandoned, you should call in the cavalry.  Reach out to family and friends and gain their emotional and financial support (as may be needed).  Sit down and write on a piece of paper what you perceive to be your immediate needs.

You may be juggling the responsibilities of rearing your baby and trying to hold down a part time or full time job.  You will undoubtedly needs assistance with meal preparations,  babysitting,  grocery shopping….just about everything it takes to live as a single mother.

Do yourself a favor.  If your baby Daddy comes a calling during this No Contact period and you can’t wiggle away (which is usually 21 to 30 days), then be strong, but perfectly frank.

Tell him that you still feel the pain and betrayal of being left.   Without trying to arouse sympathy, just tell his straight out that his actions crushed you emotionally and spiritually.  If he confronts you about this whole matter and you don’t feel up to talking to him about it.  Just tell him you wish not to talk about the matter and will write him a letter about your feelings.

Explain that you need time to heal and trust again.  Then go back to honoring the No Contact process.  You are not trying to punish or exact revenge against him, though he may feel that way or even accuse you of that.

For you, it should be all about working through the emotions of the situation.  It should be about learning to become independent in every way.  Who knows if the two of you will ever get back together again.

how to get the father of my child back

So How Do You Get Your Ex Husband Or Ex Boyfriend Back in the Picture?

You have this wonderful baby by this man.  He walked out of the relationship for whatever reason.  Or perhaps you decided to break it off with him.  But now you are thinking, “how do I get him back“.

One of the benefits of going through a No Contact period is making sure that you are in touch with our feelings and your needs.  It is also about making sure you can stand on your own two feet and have the independence to embrace the future with or without your husband or boyfriend.

If you want your baby daddy back, then you want to operate in such a way that you have a safety net.  You cannot afford to be crushed again if things don’t work out.

So yes, I will offer some suggestions on what you can do to get your baby daddy back.  But make a promise to yourself.  Make sure you become the best version of you and the best provider you can be for your baby.

Knowing that you can tackle the world without your husband or boyfriend will give you the strength to deal with the fear of an uncertain future around pursuing your ex.  After all, the thing most people fear is rejection. Particularly if we have already been rejected by the one we loved.

take small steps to get him back

Taking Little Steps In Reaching Out to Your Baby Daddy

If you want him back, you have to be able to act like it is not the most important thing in the world to you.  If your ex husband or ex boyfriend senses that you are desperate and hard up to get him back, the personal power shifts completely to him.

That is not the way this process should unfold.  Think of taking little steps. Chances are, somewhere along the way, your baby Daddy has realized he has made a terrible mistake.

Don’t forget, in most of these cases, you have leverage.  It may not feel that way now or even weeks from now, but unless your husband or boyfriend is a complete monster, he will feel connected to you and the baby.  It is very probably that he will attempt to contact you multiple times during this period of No Contact.  If so, then that is a very positive development.

Now, as I have said, I recommend 21-30 days of No Contact, but I am not one of those advisers that feel that this is a hard and fast rule, particularly since there is a baby involved.

If its been a few weeks and your baby Daddy reaches out to you in a “positive” way, multiple times, then starting up discussions is probably not a bad idea.  But go slow.  Slow steps is the way to go with a Baby Daddy.  Don’t forget, he did the unthinkable.  He left you in the midst of either your pregnancy or in the early stages of your child be reared.

Think of this whole process of coming back together again as a courtship. It should be similar to when you first started seeing each other. Think of it as a dating or feeling out process.

Don’t show him that you are too eager to bury all of the past.  Now,  I am not talking about holding grudges and emotionally punishing him for what he did. Rather, what I mean is that I want you to take out an emotional insurance policy for yourself.  It should be underwritten for the possibility that your baby Daddy is toying with you.  Maybe he does not know his own feelings.  Perhaps he just wants to bury the hatchet for sex.  Possibly, your guy has not adequately learned just how wrong his behavior was and its impact on your life.

So take things slow.  Explore with him how he feels about what went down.  Try to understand the roots of his behavior.  Discuss it with him over time, but not early in the process.  Keep things lite in the beginning .  Later, when you feel some certainty that he is serious about getting back together again, seek to understand if he has come to terms with the wrong of his ways.  Encourage him to open up and share his feelings and what motivated him to behave the way he did.  But later, when these kinds of discussions unfold, it is important that both of you are well past playing the “blame game”.

waiting on the ex to make the first move

What if My Ex Husband Or Ex Boyfriend Doesn’t Make The First Move

Sometimes, the baby Daddy does not make the first move.  Sometimes, he does not come back into your life by initiating first contact.  It may be necessary for you to reach out and make the initial contact.  If so, then I suggest you start off with a text message.

Over at my other website,, I have written a lot about the different ways in which you can get your ex back and how you can go about the first contact message.

The initial contact needs to be something that stands out and grabs his attention. For example, it can appeal to an experience the two of you had that is unforgettable.

Or it could be a message intended to arouse his curiosity. But it should not come off as sounding desperate or needy.  Nor should you send a series or cascade of messages trying to get him to respond.  Essentially, what you are trying to achieve is planting a seed in your baby Daddy’s mind and letting it grow.

That is how attraction come about.  It springs forth from the small things we do…we see…we hear.

Let’s assume 3 weeks have gone by (your No Contact period), so your first message could say, “Unbelievable. You won’t believe what happened to me.  I was g”.

Do you see what I did? I cut short the text message.  It is somewhat garbled. Baby Daddy is going to wonder about what the heck happened to you.

If he bites and his message response is positive, then you can relate a fascinating little story.  But leave it at that.  Don’t try to talk about the relationship or why he ran off.  Just let things proceed slowly and naturally.

A few days later, you can up the anty and pull on his emotional strings by sending him a different type of message.

For example, you could send a text where you attach a photo of your child and say something like, “she’s growing so fast”.

Yet another way to plant seeds in your husband’s or boyfriend’s mind is to post pics of you and your baby on your Facebook account or whatever social media accounts you may have.  The idea here is that you want your baby Daddy to see you are doing great and that your baby is beautiful.

Odd as it may sound, this tactic helps pull on your ex husband’s or ex boyfriend’s heart strings.  He is probably not expecting to see you in such a glorious mood and smiling and mugging for the camera, showing that you are getting along quite well without him.

Even if you never see him again, there is something to be said about acting out in a positive way.  Research shows that your mood can be positively impacted if you seek out moments of fulfillment and share it with others.  In effect you are doing this when you share your pic on Facebook.  It makes people feel good to do so.

That is why Facebook is so successful as a business.  People love to share things about themselves.  It fires the chemical of dopamine in their brain and that leads to a feeling of satisfaction.

does your ex deserve a second chance

Your Baby Daddy Will Likely Come To His Senses

Little steps can lead to more extended discussions.  If your text messages achieve the desired positive interaction, then follow it up with a phone call.  But keep things brief, without any perceived emotional attachment.

For example, you can call and/or leave a message simply requesting that your ex perform a small favor.  Maybe you need stamps, but you cannot leave your place. After all, you have a baby to care for, right!  Ask him to pick up some stamps and drop them off.

Eventually as you rebuild communication,  attraction will begin to form.  Even if it does not, at least you gave yourself an opportunity to get a full measure of the “state” and potential of the relationship.

As things evolve positively, you can ask if he would come by and help watch over the baby while you are out for a brief errand for twenty or thirty minutes.

Over time, your baby Daddy will likely start realizing that he has a vested emotional interest in both you and your child.   There are many reasons why a guy can bolt out the door when a baby comes into the picture.  Far too many to discuss in this post.  But in most of these situations, with patience and a fierce commitment to your own independence, your two paths will likely cross again.


How likely is your marriage to succeed?

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10 responses to “How Do I Get My Baby Daddy Back? First Get Over the Pain

  1. My ex/child’s father is in a now serious relationship. And I’m married… But… My marriage isn’t doing well. It was a rebound relationship, turned serious relationship, turned marriage. And now, it’s occurred to me that we jumped the gun and neither one of us were ready. I’ve already made a SERIES of mistakes regarding ex. I love me husband, but we don’t really work well together. Two years if marriage and we’ve gone nowhere. Now I see that part if that is that I still love my ex, who was my very first relationship. I don’t know what to do. I just started no contact a few days ago after exploding in an emotional frenzy on him. I dunno if this will help.

    1. I think it will help immensely. You just need to give your emotional psyche a chance to correct. Trust your insights. You said you don’t think you and your husband are very compatible. No Contact can help you get better centered and help you deal with important decisions you will need to make in the future.

  2. Good morning Chris! I read a lot of your work on this subject because, having found myself in the situation, you are the only resource out there speaking on this! So first, thank you so much for all you do.
    My story: My ex of more than a year (we lived together almost the entire time) was my best friend. At 30, I was the first real commitment he had ever made to someone, his last relationship being a few months his sophomore year in college. He loved being single and not having to answer to anyone but changed that life for me. He, prior to me, did not want children at all but I made it exceedingly clear that I would absolutely have children one day. We needed up breaking up shortly after a year after a very emotional conversation in which I told him that I did not want to wake up 2 years from now having loved a man who wasn’t on the same path as me. He claimed he needed to work on himself and figure things out. And still saw us together in the end. We were apart for 3 weeks, the entire time he reached out to anyone he could trying to see how I was saying he missed me and needed to figure his life out because he would only come back to me if he was going to offer marriage because that is what I deserve (I’m 24). After 3 weeks of no contact on my behalf, I found out I was pregnant. I told him immediately and he went from being supportive to the MLIO concept. He flipped between these two for a month. He finally tried to call my bluff on wanting to keep the child without him and said he needed space because he wanted to show me the reality of the situation, that we wouldn’t be together, it would solely be a partnership for our child. I ended up giving him plenty of space by moving back home, 600 miles away. He has called, apologized, asked for forgiveness, and asked me to move back but is still confused and not entirely willing to offer completely commitment. He claims we will work on it throughout the pregnancy. Am I demanding too much by saying that I will not move back and start our child’s life modeling that kind of dysfunction? That I need stability and a commitment and will not just live with him for the sake of having both parents under the same roof, knowing that we will just fall back into routine and I will continue loving and catering to him in a way he doesn’t deserve if he is not 100% in on the idea of me as well….. I am 4 months along rn and trying to implement the no contact method. The last conversation we had over the phone was 4 days ago and I made it incredibly clear that I would need full commitment before thinking of returning and that he would need to come out to me to have these discussions in person before anything else. I have essentially 3 weeks decide if I am keeping my job there (amazing job, pays well, I took a leave to be home) so I would need him to get it together in a very short amount of time…. is there anything I can do to speed this process up?

    1. Hi Lauren. I think you have a good read on what is really going on. He seems to want it both ways, without making a commitment and I agree that is not sustainable for the long term. Having him come meet with you to discuss his intentions would likely give you a better handle on just how committed he might be. It could be very stressful raising your child in a home environment where he is in and out of your life. But having financial security with your good paying job is also an important factor as it provides you greater independence and hopefully it is a fulfilling job.

      It seems you have multiple options, some better than others. You could remain home if that is a option and get help and support to raise your child and see how things develop. Of course the disadvantage is you may lose your job, unless your employer is willing to offer an extended leave of absence. You could insist you wish to return to your house, but insist he needs to move out so you can continue with your employment later and also be closer to your ex in the event he figures it all out. He can be a father to the child, but wouldn’t live under the same roof, though he could help out as you see fit. Or you could just try it his way, though I agree their are shortcomings with this approach.

  3. Hey Chris,

    I’m 8 months pregnant and my baby’s father and I have been fighting nonstop. My pregnancy was unplanned and has taken a huge emotional toll on both of us. I never felt like a priority to my man (it was always all about his dogs) and it was hurtful feeling like my unborn baby and I never mattered, which caused me to stonewall him often.

    His only friend is his (married) female dog walker. He has had her over at our house almost constantly for hours at a time the past few weeks which makes me uncomfortable because she dislikes me. I’ve tried to get him to set boundaries with her but he refuses because “the dogs need her”. He has been running to her with relationship advice while we are struggling and she always tells him to break up with me.

    He recently went out of town on a work conference, again, related to his dogs. I didn’t want him to leave and we got into a fight before he left but we made up and I helped him pack and watched his dogs while he was gone. I took the time to clean up the entire house, rearrange and get everything set up for the baby. I assumed he’d miss me, the space would be healthy, and we could get our relationship back on track once he returned. Instead, he barely talked to me while he was gone, he blamed me for his dog getting sick while he was in my care, and he couldn’t even sleep with me after he returned. The day after he got back, he invited his female friend over for 5 hours and while we were eating dinner, he told me he wanted a break and he wanted me to move out. He also put a lock on his phone for the first time ever.

    He texted me the night I left and he told me he missed me but I never responded. He asked if I wanted to do something the next day when I came to get my clothes but I was still too hurt to answer. He was very upset when I came to take all the baby’s stuff the day after that while he was at work. I’ve texted him a few times and we did go to a counseling appointment together but he won’t really talk about his feelings and he seems to have given up although we haven’t really ever tried resolving our differences. The week before he left, he said he was fully committed to the baby and me and now he’s acting completely different. What should I do? He said he’s still willing to go to counseling with me but I just need to know where I stand before our baby gets here. Our son arrives in just a few weeks, so time is not on my side.

    1. Hi Rachel! What matters most right now is you and your baby’s physical and emotional health. That matters most by a long shot. In an ideal relationship, you would want the father of your child to be there for you and baby. But it seems he has other interest that take precedent. His actions speak volumes. I am seeing selfish actions. Sometimes bordering on mean spirited. Clearly, to have asked you to move out seems cruel to me as well as asking this other woman to come into the mix. She may very well egging him along, but irrespective of what she is doing and saying, he is ultimately responsible for his behavior.

      Perhaps he is committed to counseling, but what use is counseling if he is not motivated to get back with you.

      While relationships can come back together and I encourage couples to work earnestly to make things better, in this case I think you might benefit more by telling him your focus for the immediate future is on your personal recovery and your newborn that is on its way.

      This would also be a good time to call in on your friends and family to lend you support now and after the baby arrives. There will be time to explore later whether the connection you use to have with your guy is still worth pursuing. I think its you who needs a break from him.

  4. Hey Chris. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and my baby’s father left me about a week and a half ago for a new girl he was talking to for a week. They’re in a relationship now and he doesn’t talk to me at all. We shared a phone plan until he got mad and didn’t notify me he took me off his plan and reported my phone stolen. Every time I give him updates on our daughter he shows his new girlfriend and has her texting me saying I’m harassing them. I really want my baby’s father back in my life but I’m just trying to figure out why he’s doing this.

    1. Hi Britt. I am so sorry you are having to endure such harsh treatment from your husband. I confess I don’t understand his behavior at all. I seems so cruel. How long have the two of you been married? Has he behaved like this in the past? How would you describe the quality of your marriage before this all happened?

  5. Hi Chris. My baby daddy & I have been going through it. We broke up when I was 3 months pregnant. Then I later found out that he’s been beating on me this whole.. Now we’ve been Co parenting but meeting up & spending time together like a couple. Now it all back fired, we slept together & when I got back to where I stay, he then told me that he loves this other woman & that he doesn’t wanna lose me too. What he has with her is not worth him losing us for. There’s been so many mixed signals & I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I still love him but I’m tired of feeling used & taken for granted.