If you are in place in your life where you want your ex husband back, then you need a strategic plan going forward.

Making your ex husband constantly think about you and miss all of the things about you that are special and fulfilling is where you want him to arrive.

Right now, he is probably not there.

my ex husband thinks about me constantly

He probably sees you in a more negative light.

After all, the two of you have struggled.  You may now be separated or even divorced.

So his mindset about you is geared to see the negatives first.  This is particularly the case if your break from your husband was painful or recent.

How your ex husband sees you has to change.

But how?

Eliminating the negative thoughts your ex may have about you and replacing them with positive memories is your goal.  By accomplishing this, you will cause your ex to want to draw closer to you.


This is where you will start getting traction.

You see, people are drawn or repelled to each other for several reasons.  Being a good talker is not considered one of them.

Trust me, it is overrated.  Perhaps in the movies where pick up artists are depicted, a good line or talker is considered a useful strategy.

But in real life, it is more often the unspoken word and actual actions that matter most.

So whatever verbal (or written) argument you make with your ex husband to awaken his attraction for you will usually be ineffective.

But there is hope!

As it turns out, there are certain important strategies you can implement that will help your ex husband view you in a different light.

What you want is for him to see you as someone who is interesting, fun, beautiful, and desirable.

How do you get there from here?

Leveraging the Siren Effect to Get Your Ex’s Attention

using your sex appeal to attract your ex

When a woman is able to use her sexuality to attract and arouse her husband, she is in effect making valuable deposits into his “bank” of memorable moments.

The way she goes about doing those “little things” to arouse her husband can be magical.  Even when she is simply in his presence, her attraction can reach across the room or through a wayward glance.

All these things can add up to a powerful attractive force.

A woman who is wise, understands the value of her sexuality.  When she deploys her natural gifts and uses them with patience, the effect it can have on a guy can be enormous.

Your ex husband is not unlike the vast majority of men.

Men desire sex and have all kinds of sexual fantasies.  They are more inclined to be visually stimulated.  Men sometimes even think of their wives as a sexual object.  Such thoughts emerge from some small part of a man’s fantasy driven mind.


If you want your ex husband to miss you and think about you constantly, using your sexual prowess to quench your ex’s appetite is one way he will come to constantly think of you and want you back in his life.

I know that sounds a bit raunchy.

You may be thinking, “Really, Chris, I have to seduce my ex husband with sexy and naughty behavior just to satisfy that place in his mind where he sees me as a sexual object of some kind?

It does sound a bit coarse and crude when you put it that way.

But yes, a man, your ex husband included, is going to be naturally drawn to you more if he sees you as a woman who is desirable.

And desire has many shades.

That does not mean you were not attractive before or even now.  But putting a somewhat different spin on your appearance and coupling that with some sly timing, can result in him seeing you in a different light.

These kind of thoughts are not happening all the time in your man’s mind.  But to the extent you can help trigger and stimulate your ex husband’s “cave man” appetite to have you in his arms, you in effect can create in him a stream of positive and desirable thoughts.

And that is your goal.

Building an inventory of positive thoughts and memories in the mind of your ex when thinks of you.

But don’t make it too easy for your ex as “The Chase” is part of the unconscious appeal and satisfaction your former husband still yearns for.  If you push the right buttons, he will want you in the most sexual and erotic ways.  And if he can’t have you, then he will desire you more.

So just don’ be in any hurry to completely satisfy your ex husband’s lust.  You may have greater success if you make him wait and work for you.

Churn up the attraction ever so slowly.

Re-attraction is a Slow Dance

slowly attracting your ex hubby

Attraction is a slow dance of give and take.

You give your ex husband a little taste, then you take it away. Give and take away. Doing it ever so gently so that it enhances the value of what he really, really wants, badly.

It is also about helping your ex husband forge a new,  perhaps even more exciting way of thinking about you.  This is how you can make him miss you.

You want him to miss that special little smile or loving look you give him when you first see each other.  You want your ex husband to value how you give him that extra little squeeze during a semi intimate embrace.

It can be bewitching to your ex husband when he comes over to check on something at your house and he sees you standing there in something somewhat provocative looking.

Maybe you are bra less.  But you are not acting seductively.

Perhaps you are wearing a certain perfume as you offer up a compliment.

Essentially,  you want your ex husband to walk away from that encounter with little seeds of arousal and attraction dancing through his mind.

Even if he acts like he doesn’t notice, he probably does at the unconscious level. And it in our unconscious minds that we end up making many of our decisions about a great many things.

Your “Siren” actions need not and should not be anything overt.

Less is more when you seek to create these little memories for your ex husband.

If your ex husband, the guy who you want thinking about you constantly, sees you as a desirable “catch“, a beautiful, even re-made woman who has the capacity to arouse other men (himself included), then you are indeed changing his perspective of who you are.

But sex and physical intimacy is just part of the puzzle.

Out With the Old Bad Thoughts and In With The New Positive Thoughts

finding the positive and dropping the negative

Shifting any negative thoughts he may have about you and replacing them with desirable thoughts is also an important outcome.

And it is not all about arousal and sex.  That is only one part of what makes a man drawn to you and you to him.

Your ex husband is not likely to miss you constantly if he has angry and resentful thoughts toward you like, “I can’t stand to be around that bitch” or “I am tired her nagging and complaints” or “I hate and despise her for being with another man”.

It is not unnatural for an ex to get locked into a stream of negativity.  It can feed on itself as one angry and mean-spirited thought emerges and leads to another awful thought about you.

After a while, his mood and mindset toward you can be adversely influenced by the negative feedback loop consisting of a lot of unhappy thoughts.

As these thoughts build and repeat, your ex husband can form a wall of negativity

Your job, if you want him back in your life, is to tear down his wall of negative memories and thoughts about you.

You need to help your ex husband build a new wall of memories.  It is about doing a lot of little things in the right way that leads to him reconstructing a new and different image of you.

It won’t happen in one or two happy moments.  It won’t happen in one night of wonderful erotic sex.

So you see, while it helps to use your sexuality to your advantage in changing your ex husband’s mindset about you, that won’t by itself change the relationship equation.

So what other things can you do to accelerate your husband’s desire to want to be around you?

What else can you do to make him miss you terribly and cause him to constantly find his thoughts returning to you?

Emotional Intimacy Can Help Make Your Husband Miss You

seeking emotional connection

There are many things you can do to leverage the emotional bond that exists between the two of you.

It’s not like it all went away with the separation or divorce.  Those years in which you and he were thrown together to deal with so many things in life did not just simply get erased in your minds and psyche.

What you need to think about is how to bring it back out.

With all of the pain and emotional struggle you and your ex husband suffered through, many of the positive emotional memories you both shared together have gone dormant.

But it is retrievable and that is how you can help rebuild the love connection such that more of his thoughts are about you.

So we talked about sexual intimacy. But creating an environment where you and your ex husband can share emotional intimacy is also very important.

There are many ways to accomplish this.  The two of you probably share several things in common.  If you have kids, that gives you an avenue to share together new experiences with the kids.  Make these experiences positive memories for your ex husband to cherish.

There is a psychological phenomenon which occurs such that if you have an enjoyable and meaningful experience, your brain will attach those good vibes to the people who are part of the experience.

It is all about creating a positive associative experience.  Over time, you push out the negative little bad thoughts and memories, replacing them with positive and inviting experiences.

Leaving Positive Emotional Bread Crumbs For Your Ex Husband

living your ex husband little clues

So make the time you have with your ex husband count for something.

Think of it as a deposit into his emotional trust bank.  It is like leaving nice little bread crumbs for your husband to pick up and remember you by.

The other day I heard from Bessie.

She reached out to me during the time her ex husband was starting to show some interest in both her and their children.

As it turned out, Bessie is an expert at creating positive, emotional and intimate memories.  She is quite skillful at coupling them with just the right touch of sexuality.

As she told me, her ex was not such a bad guy.  They had been married for about six years.  Neither had been married before, so in a sense it was for both of them a series of firsts.

Their first marriage.

Their first really big falling out.

Their first separation.

And hopefully their last divorce.

So she was determined to reverse the trend because she believed in her heart that the marriage was unfinished.

Like a lot of marriages, they came out of the gates really fast.  Everything about their relationship seemed to work like a charm in the first few years.

Then things slowly got rocky and each got stuck in some unhealthy relationship patterns.  Both had careers and so there were many occasions of long hours, lots of stress, and plenty of fights.

When the kids came along in their life it just got more stressful and for relief, both of them retreated into doing their own thing.

One thing led to another and another. Fights grew to be more frequent and longer.  Feelings were hurt and not repaired. Grudges were formed and took root.

By the way, if you want to know about the importance of spending alone time with your spouse, check out this post:


Then the “wasteland” period got underway, as she described it.  They both had affairs.

Given that she and her husband were both strong-minded and success oriented people, they held on to the marriage as long as they could.

Her husband had cheated first.

She learned about it through a mutual friend. He had cheated on her with a colleague at work.  She confronted him and he told her it was only a fling. A year later, she met a guy and a romance ensued.

As she described it, “we were a messed up couple and it was effecting our parenting too“. Eventually they agreed to separate.

Over this period of time, they had a couple of false starts in which it looked like the marriage would come back together.

They had young children (2 and 4 years old) which contributed to the couple trying to do the right thing.  It seemed to me they genuinely loved each other, but both were a bit bull-headed and when her ex husband found out that she had resumed her extramarital affair during the separation period, it only served to complicate matters.

While she ended that relationship, the weight of all their troubles had taken its toll.  Eventually it all ended in a divorce.

So that is how it came down for this couple.

But they seem to be both working at rebuilding the relationship.  At the very least, she tells me, they are determined to make it better for the kids.

Since some time has gone by, it seems they both have had a chance to reassess what they wish to do with their lives.  From Bessie’s perspective, her ex is worth pursuing. She thinks there might be an opportunity to repair some of the damage.

As it turns out, she naturally understand the value of building lots of positive moments with her former husband.

She tells me it is a “good love policy“.

Let me share an example of how she goes about creating positive emotional energy with her ex husband.

She writes:

Its working!  Let me tell you. So we were sitting by the pool watching our kids splash around.  Before, when we were married, we use to do a lot of pool side parties that would usually include BBQ and it would be so fun and relaxing. Knowing my ex was coming over, I decided to do some pre-planning and got an incredible brisket heating up in our BBQ grill. My ex husband loves brisket and when he saw the ice chest I filled with some beers, he really relaxed and began enjoying himself.  Underneath my shorts, I had on a new bikini.  So I peeled off my bottom and kept on my top.  I have always prided myself on having a nice figure and my ex use to compliment me a lot about my long legs.  So I thought I would give him a peek at what he has been missing out on.    We have not had sex since we separated and I am going to keep it that way until I believe there is a real chance for us.  I think taking it slow and easy will helped up in the long run.  I am trying to replace the negative vibes he may have bottled up with lots of positive vibes.  I think it’s working.  It taking some time, but its definitely working.  Some of our past still gets churned up, but like you told me, I keep trying to make deposits into my husband’s brain basket. I have more work to do because I want him to ask me out.  But we are both getting closer to reclaiming some of our lost selves.”

As you see, creating re-attraction in the mind of your ex husband can bear fruit. But it can’t be a one shot deal.  It is entirely possible that your former husband has a lot of baggage about you up there in his mind.

Your mission is to edit out as much of the negative thoughts and memories he may have for you and allow more positive memories to form and become the his “default” in how he sees you.

To do this, you need to have a discipline approach at creating a lot of small to large magical memory moments!

I think of them as “Kodak Moments”.

You are essentially experiencing a slice of life with your ex and making it a memorable time.  Then “mark” it by saying something that reinforces how special that moment truly was.  By doing so, it gets embedded in both of your minds.

Will it always work?

No, of course not.

But more often than not, it can act as a stimulus to creating those positive emotional connections you want hanging in the mind of your ex husband.

Your Ex Husband Will Long For You if  You Make Him Feel Good About Himself

compliment your guy

So, you have learned that when your ex is turned on and wants you sexually, he will have difficulty in avoiding the constant thoughts of needing to be with you.

Creating this kind of desire in your ex husband can generate passion and attraction.  His thoughts of being angry at you can be transformed into memorable moments of the wonderful ways in which you can please him and how he can please you.

So, let’s turn our attention to how you can leverage your husband’s need to feel good about himself.

Your ex husband’s sense of his worth is partly tied up in his perception that he can bring sexual satisfaction to your life.  But your guy is looking for an ego boost from other directions as well.

Passion alone is not going to help you achieve what you want which is a healthy, mutually beneficial bond you both can build own.

You have learned about the importance of building an emotional connection with your ex.  Leveraging those shared experiences you each can enjoy together can be the glue that pulls the two of you closer together.

But there is a third piece to the attraction model I am describing in this article.

It is about something almost every guy has in common.

You see, men want to think of themselves as somebody that is important.

You want your ex husband to feel that “you” believe he is really outstanding at doing certain things.  It is embedded deep inside most men to impress and please the woman they love.

If you play a role in helping your ex construct this mental imagery of himself, being really good at certain things, whether it be in bed or in sports or cooking, you have done a lot to make your husband unconsciously want to be around you.

His thoughts, both conscious and unconscious will be, “I like being with my wife. I miss those feelings she gives about myself.  I miss her soothing words reminding me that I can accomplish just about anything I set out to do“.

Among the most effective ways to influence your man is to capitalize on his powerful desire to be around someone who understands him and admires him.

This makes the guy feel special and valued.

There is ego in us all.  But most guys have ingrained in them this desire to be a sort of hero or prince to their woman.

They want their wife to look up to them and see them as something they wish for themselves.  Your husband secretly desires those loving glances of admiration.

We all do in a way.

But men are conditioned to a larger degree to want to achieve that kind of status in their mind.  And if you do and say things that makes your ex husband feel “complimented” or like he has achieved something truly worthy, even great, then you have made an important deposit into your man’s “ego bank“.

It is like the force of gravity in a way.

He becomes drawn to you as you serve as an attractive force that makes him feel important, even powerful.


How likely is your marriage to succeed?

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11 responses to “How Do I Make My Ex Husband Miss Me and Think About Me Constantly

  1. Hi Chris….Me and husband seperated 2 and half years ago due to we fought and didn’t get along alot my fault…His teen daughter’s and his mom….We have been seeing each other on and off…After 19 months I had gave up on us being back together…I cheated…I so regret but we tried to work it out 7 months I thought things were good…We were looking at a home to bye…Then he divided he didn’t know if he could ever get over me cheating…And he didn’t know if he could ever trust me…So for 9 weeks now I’ve not seen him I’ve text him alot and hardly no response…A week ago I text and ask him if we could work this out but if he didn’t want us or if there was someone else to just tell me and I’d leave him alone..But that I needed to know….He. Text back and said…He didn’t want to talk about it right now and get his self worked up..Said he was sorry doesn’t know what to tell me……I need help what do I do …how do I take this… I had text back said OK then I love you and respect you to give you time to think about us….I’ve not contacted him it been 7 days now….Please help what should I do

    1. Read some of my posts on the site about the No Contact or limited Contact. I think you would be a good candidate. It sounds like he needs some space to work through some things. Reach out to him and tell him you understand his feelings and his need for space. Trust returns in small step and I can see you are ready to make a journey with him. Tell him that. Then tell him you will give him his space.

  2. Hi Chris
    Me and my ex husband divorced 3 years ago, I ended the relationship as our constant arguing was affecting our children , I really miss him and I want him back , we are both in another relationship and I have a child with my new partner but I can’t let go of the past and I want nothing more but to have my ex back, he gives me mixed signals , he’s really nice when I drop my children off and if I text him about the children he calls me saying he’d rather talk instead of text and seems to linger on the phone but sometimes he’ll block my texts and ignore me for days , how can I resolve our relationship. I feel in limbo with my new partner I do love him but not the same love I have for my ex I really don’t want to hurt him but I feel nasty in him because I can’t love him like I should because I can’t let go of my past
    Please help

    1. I am sorry Sarah I didn’t respond sooner. It can be really tough to let go of past relationships. But we can learn how to move on and move on we must if we wish for our relationship with our current partner to prosper. Living a life in which you are caught in between two worlds….the one from the past with your ex husband and the one you have now with your current partner is truly very difficult to navigate on an emotional level.

      Consider trying out as clean a break you can possible make with your ex husband. Certainly, there will be things you will need to do in order to coordinate matters regarding the children. But if you can convince yourself not to chase after thoughts of reuniting and avoid personal discussions with your husband, then you can give your current relationship with your new partner its fair due. Right now, your feelings for him are clouded because of your hope of reconciliation with your ex. That is probably preventing you from truly discovering just how deeply your are in love with your current partner. Perhaps you will learn after same time that what you have now is a better situation with greater potential for fulfillment.

  3. Hi Chris,
    My ex left 4 months ago and after the initial silly begging etc his feelings towards me worsened. The past few weeks though we’ve been getting on better and spending more time together with our 2 children (one aged 6 one 7weeks old)
    However after attending a fire work event last night as a family at it was nice. We had a little talk afterwards where he said he just doesn’t feel that way about me anymore…his feelings are long gone and there is no future for us. I really do believe him. I’d realised my mistakes in the relationship weeks ago and have been learning to respect him as I should have.
    I think all is lost now. Is there anything you can advise?
    Thank you

    1. The future is always moving. We cannot be sure how things will fall. Continue to work on becoming the best version of YOU. Adopting a limited No Contact approach might be best here. Since you have children together, I suspect this relationship is not fully over. Sometimes with the passage of time, people have a chance to revisit their previous notions. But in the meantime, keep the focus on you and your children and don’t count on him. As time goes by, you will have a better notion yourself if you wish to continue forward with this man in your life. I tend to have little tolerance for men who part ways with their wife when a newborn has come into the world. It appears to me he has some important life lessons to learn himself.

      1. Hi there,
        Thank you for your response I really appreciate it.
        I agree and don’t blame you for feeling that way … He should not have done this now considering the situation we both were in regarding a brand new baby.
        You are also right about him needing to learn life lessons.
        I’ve read up on the limited contact but I’m concerned that my ex might feel that I’m being the person who he thought I was that made him left…and validate his choice even more.
        Do you have any more tips I could use in this situation?
        Thank you for all of your advice.

        1. I think you have a really good head on your shoulders and I trust your judgement on this matter. Remember, focus on YOU. Focus on engaging with people and activities that bring you fulfillment.

  4. want husband back I was to controlling and clingy due to separation anxity getting help for that. his phone is off for over a week hasn’t spoken with me please help me do I do everything to contact him someway or do I sit and wait.
    I pissed him off after he moved out telling him to take house and car He said he would loose house and car and not get credit back at 74 years old.

  5. 18 years of my life then he started acting weird telling to move on so we stayed friends until I found out he was cheating that tore me apart I started seeing physic nothing candles here and there I gave up now it’s been 2 years and my understanding he lives back with his parents but I still wanna talk to him I miss him I fallen to depression and started going out and that’s not me I’m 53 .

    1. Hi Chris…. My husband and I just separated we sold our matrimonial home and I’m moving back to my home town 2 hours away. We were married only two years. I made a mistake of confiding in my previous ex husband about feelings Of guilt in leaving my children who are now in their twenties. My husband found out and thinks we had something romantic going on ( not true) though I did think about possibly putting the family together I don’t love my ex and really don’t want him. It got out of control with my depression and anxiety to the point that we are now separated. He’s lost trust in me and now I’m jobless and with no home of my own. I can’t I was so stupid. Any suggestions on what I can do going forward. He says he loves me 50% and needs time. He still wants some contact. My kids still need me too. So confused.