The other day I was looking through some of my old messages I had received from men and women that were looking for relationship advice.  I was somewhat surprised at the number of people who seemed exceptionally  focused on finding ways to feel more attractive and to come off as more appealing to their man.

The inquires covered a wide spectrum.  Men wanting to be attractive to women. Women wanting advice on how to increase their attraction and increase their sex appeal.  In a lot of these cases, the individual was in the middle of a relationship, but feared their lover was slipping away.

being attractive around your man

This fear of losing their man was causing them to search for ways to better attract and arouse their guy.  I would get these questions about how they can be more “stunning” and “enticing”.  Readers would want to know what they should do to come off as more “captivating” or “lovely” or even “arousing”.

With the men, many of them were seeking to discover new ways to come off as looking good and sounding good in order to start up a new romance.  They seemed to be a bit more interested in the words or lines they can use to be appealing and engaging with a woman.  They were also interested in what made women tick and how they can successfully attract them, without scaring them off.

But more of the questions around this topic came from the women who simply wanted to feel and look more attractive and appealing to men in general.

Let me give some examples so you can get a taste of why attraction is such an important thing to so many people, in so many different ways. Of course, I will edit them to ensure no private details are revealed.

Chris, my ex husband left me and I just don’t feel attractive any more. I am not even sure what to do or say around men anymore.  I know I am probably being too self conscious, but I needs some tips on putting the zest back into my self image.”

“My husband keeps mentioning that things are too dull between us.  He won’t go beyond that.  He just speaks in generalities.  But I don’t think he finds me attractive or appealing anymore.  Maybe that is saying to much.  I feel I have a lot to offer to a man.  But lately, he seems turned off.

What can I do to keep my boyfriend engaged.  He doesn’t seems all that thrilled to see me sometimes.  Should I try exciting him in bed in a different way?  Should I play hard to get?  Is this going to be a continuing problem with him?  Do you think he has another woman on the side that he is more attracted to? I just need some help please. 

It can really be tough if you start questioning whether you are attractive enough. It is almost always a slippery slope when a woman or man begins to question their self image.  When you are made to feel that you have to do something more of or less of to keep the attraction spark alive, you start questioning everything.

Once you find yourself in this place were you lose confidence in your ability to attract, excite, and arouse your man, you start searching for answers.

You question whether you are being too seductive and whether that is turning off your husband or boyfriend.   Or you start wondering if you are doing enough or too much to properly arouse your man.

You start  reading everything you can get you hands on about sexuality and seduction.  And while there is nothing wrong with that since you can pick up some good tips, the problem arises if you become too preoccupied with the subject.

I had one woman who became a little obsessed over whether she was kissing her boyfriend too much or too little.

Sometimes when we get caught up in all of our anxieties about our body image or what we are doing to present an attractive appearance, these feelings of tension and anxiousness can bleed over into our general behavior.

So what is it women can do to jazz up their sex appeal?  What should men and women alike consider doing more of or less of to maximize their beauty and come off as appealing.

It turns out that beauty and attraction are found both in our appearance and how we project ourselves, but most importantly it resides deep within us.

women and attraction

Don’t Treat Attraction Like an Apple Cart

There is a rather interesting phenomenon I like to call the “Attraction Apple Cart”.

You have heard of the saying, “don’t upset the apple cart”, right?

Well, imagine if you have yourself tied up in knots thinking about things like how your hair looks, whether your makeup is applied appropriately, or if you chose the right dress.

Just imagine how all of that is going to throw off your game.

What do you suppose are the consequences of focusing all your sexual energy into things like frequently questioning if your partner is satisfied, if he (or she) wishes to change positions, or ensuring everything is just perfect from the music that might be playing in the background to the flickering of the candles by the bedside.

Well, I think you get the picture.  If all those things I described above are your focus, then it is entirely likely you will upset the apple cart.

Attraction is one of those forces that best operate from a natural place.

It should arise naturally, just as arousal usually gets its start as a sliver of a sexual thought, then slowly builds to a crescendo.

So, let’s turn our focus on some important facts you should be aware of to harness your natural attraction for all types of men.  We are going to come at this question of how your can leverage your attractiveness from a place of science.

attraction in a relationship

Understanding Attraction’s Role in a Relationship

In other words, let’s talk about, in some detail, the things researchers have learned about what it is that makes us all attractive to other people or attracted to your partner.

Along the way, we are going to dispel some myths about what men and women might find to be alluring and sexy.  We will also probably surprise you with some things you have not heard about.

To the extent that you can, I recommend you act upon some of these ideas and tips.  While I cannot guarantee (no one can) that your man will want to immediately sweep you off your feet or place you on the highest pedestal, I do think some of the information, if put into practice, will improve your situation.

Also, don’t forget that attaining a greater degree of attractiveness in the eyes of men or women is rarely accomplished by implementing one or two quality improvements.

It is usually a plethora of things you do (or chose not to do) that enhances your sexual attractiveness.  But it should never be gimmicky.  It should come from an honest place, otherwise your partner will pick up on it.

There has been a lot of research done on the role the unconscious mind plays in forming love attachments.  These studies speak to how we go about picking up on natural attraction signals and cues from our prospective lover.

The lessons learned from these love and relationship studies is that men and women (when bonding), while that may not be always able to explain in words why or how, they almost always know and understand when they are turned on and when they are turned off.

Sometimes it is little things.

Something as natural as smell.  One study revealed that when women were given sweaty shirts from different men, the ladies were almost always able to pick out the specific shirt their husband or boyfriend wore.

Sometimes feeling aroused and attracted to your boyfriend or girlfriend comes from a place psychologist call “reciprocation”.

If you say and do something kind and loving to a prospective man or women you wish to potentially start dating, he or she will invariable return the favor.  And from there, the attraction levels between the man and woman will escalate, even snowball, provided both parties continue to practice reciprocation.  We will discuss these small acts of “loving behaviors”  in more detail below.

Sometime the connection and bond between the guy and girl can get a boost through something as simple (yet powerful) as peering into each other’ eyes.  Just holding the gaze seconds longer and smiling as well, has been proven to be extremely effective in creating a love connection.

Studies have shown that attraction between men and women can unfold from almost nothing if you simply share something intimate about yourself.  Just the act of opening yourself up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, can activate the chemicals in the brain that trigger attraction signals.

So don’t just think in terms of making quality improvements in multiple areas of your life including improving your physical appearance, enhancing your communication skills, using tactical strategies to create arousal (see link of post below) to improve your standing with your man (or woman).    All these thing are important obviously, but they only represent some of the puzzle pieces that make up the entire picture of love and connection.

By the way, here is the link I referenced above.  In it, you will find an article I wrote that further amplifies upon things you can do to arouse and excitite your partner.  It is primarily written for women who are looking to “turn on” their man, but many guys will find the information to be useful in innumerable ways.


And please never, ever forget that relationships are founded on a natural form of attraction to begin with.

So it not something that you have lost and cannot regain.

It is not like you are inherently flawed and incapable of attracting a man (or woman).  Trust me, there are 200,000 years in which your genes have been hardwired to attract the opposite sex.

Some people are just a better fit for others.

So if you are struggling in this area finding a guy or girl that you want to invite into your heart and your confidence is waning, just know that the blueprint for love resides in you already.

Not everyone will be ideally compatible with the different men and women they encounter in life.  So don’t lose your faith in love.

Remember, even the greatest of couples are not completely compatible. Everywhere, the best of couples are continuously working at being better with each other.

ingredients of attraction and arousal


The Ingredients of Attraction

In closing, let me leave you with a summary of some other interesting things science and psychology has come to learn about attraction.  You might just find some little nuggets you can put to use in your situation.

  1. Age Attractiveness – A study from the University of St. Andrews reveals that it matters how old your parents are.  If your are born to older parents, you will have a tendency to be more attracted to older, mature faces.
  1. Symmetry Matters – It has been well documented that people subconsciously pay attention to symmetrical faces. It has long been the standard of beauty for centuries.  Presumably, symmetry signals health and good reproductive genes.  No worries, though, as essentially everyone has symmetrical features. Some people are slightly more symmetrical, but in my book, symmetry is just one of the many faces of attraction.
  1. Average is Good – This does not suggest that plain looking people are the most attractive.  But rather, biologists state that the people who have a collection of mathematical average features, have a more diverse set of genes and that end ups being a preferred selection criteria when your subconscious brain scans the environment for attractive looking people.
  1. The Parent Effect – Another study from the University of St. Andrew indicates that sons and daughters tend to be with partners who have the same hair and eye color as their opposite sex parent. So if you are a woman and your Dad has blue eyes and blond hair, then you will tend to be attracted to a blue eyed, blond guy.
  1. The How of the Chin & Brow – We have these people called evolutionary biologists and after a lot of years of study they have concluded that women are more attracted to men with larger jawlines and a prominent brow. We are talking testosterone.  Whereas men are attracted to women with a smaller chin and less obvious brow.  That is the estrogen at work.
  1. The Golden Ratio – I remember watching a documentary about this a few years ago.  It dealt with where certain facial features should be placed to be optimally attractive.  According to this well researched ratio of beauty, the ideal distance between your mouth and eyes should be 36% of the length of your face. The ideal distance between your eyes presumably should be 46% of the width of your face. While we cannot change the placement of our facial features, people seem to have a subconscious (or conscious) sense about the so called Golden Ratio.  This may explain why women often tweak hair styles and apply makeup to dial in the beauty.
  1. The Color Red – The University of Rochester reported that women are more attracted to men wearing a red shirt as the color red signals power and higher status.  Men were also more drawn to women wearing red (as opposed to blue) as the color signaled sexual desire and readiness.
  1. Voice Matters – A study in the UK discovered that men prefer women with a higher pitch voice as that is associated with estrogen. When attraction rises, women tend to speak in a higher pitched voice.  Women prefer men with a deeper voice as that signals manhood.
  1. Hungry Men – Weird as it may sound, a 2006 study showed that when men are hungry, they prefer women with relatively higher body weights.  This finding is believed to be due to an evolutionary preference as a higher body weight woman signals access to resources.
  1. Chalk One Up For Facial Hair – An Australian study demonstrated that women prefer men with heavy stubble as opposed to clean shaven or a full beard.
  1. Smile or Not – Research suggests that women who frequently smile are perceived as more attractive.  While women prefer men who smile less or slightly.  Male gestures of pride and dominance are often considered desirable.
  1. Love at First Sight? – Psychologists report that it usually takes 2 – 4 minutes for an individual to assess if they are attracted to another.  If you are one of those smooth talkers who try to gin up attraction…guess what!  Put it on the back burner!  The studies reveal that attraction is based on 55% body language, 38% on the tone and rapidity of your voice, and only 7% of the words you use.
  1. Chemicals that Rule the Day – When the love bug strikes, you have these things called neurotransmitters that can literally take over your life.  Dopamine is released which courses through your body causing you to experience euphoria. It’s like you are on cocaine or a blast of nicotine.  Adrenaline is released and you feel like you could jump over the moon.  Your heart rate quickens.  You are sweating more.  You are entering the lovesick zone!  Then there is this very powerful cocktail called serotonin which is the chemical that is responsible for the most insanely, exciting elements of attraction, love and sexual arousal.  Now you see why breakups are so hard. Coming off of all these chemicals in rapid fashion is tough.
  1. First Impressions – The sexiest, most beautiful person in the room is not necessarily the one with the best waistline or the most symmetrical face.  More often than not, it is the person who radiates confidence, happiness, and positive self esteem.  This is probably my favorite of all the scientific findings because it jells with my own experience with attraction and is actionable.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that you can take affirmative steps to make yourself more attractive by simply exhibiting more confidence, charisma, charm, and other positive behaviors.   I have always believed that the earliest impressions, when we meet someone, is an important crossroads between the sexes. Whether you are attracted to someone is based on both the conscious and subconscious mind.  I think in many situations, the conscious trumps the subconscious if you are around someone who is charismatic, confident, and fun.
  1. Reciprocation – Research suggest that attraction can be ignited through reciprocation.  For example, you learn that someone really likes you. You never knew this.  Feeling complimented by these feelings, you return the affection.  It is thought that the force of highly suggestible and positive attention can be a catalyst for your reciprocal affection.  This is probably my second favorite finding because I am a huge believer in the power of “positivity” and “suggestion”.  Think of it as the “Force”.  You know…like the force that we all learned from Yoda. Except this is a real and powerful psychological force.  It radiates from within.  Just the mere suggestion of something, when made with the force of positive energy, can move objects.  The guy or girl of your dreams, could very well be drawn right in.

How likely is your marriage to succeed?

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