It can be incredibly difficult to know what to do after you and your ex husband (or wife) have split up. When the relationship is going south and each party moves in different directions, it is clear something meaningful has to happen to change the these sad unfolding events.
Rebuilding the relationship and recovering from the slings and arrows of a marital or relationship split up is going to require a great deal of effort. This is where it matters a great deal that you have some understanding of how to proceed.
It is not going to help you a lot if you panic and start in with the promises of better days ahead. In most cases, when couples have reached the stage where they are hurt and angry, it is not wise to push or pull too hard. Nor will it be advantageous to anyone if either the husband or wife tries to immediately seek out professional counseling.
Sometimes you may feel you are caught up in what I call the breakup zone. I wrote an article that deals with how you should go about getting your relationship back on track. Read about it here….
You see, in those early days following a split up, a couple has entered what I have described in my writings as the “break up zone”. I am sure you heard of the “Twilight Zone”? Well, the break up zone is a lot like that in the sense that things you use to take for granted are not completely out of wack.
Your feelings about the relationship are not to be entirely trusted. Your reactions to the split up is going to take a lot of twists and turns. So whatever you do moving forward, you will want to guard against doing anything rash.
But to get the relationship back on track it will take a committed effort. And as part of this effort, you will need to devise a game plan.
So what might that look like? How should you even proceed if your marriage just busted up and you are not even sure what you want?
My experience in working with couples is that a break down in the relationship is not necessarily an unusual event. Couples won’t agree on many things. And more often than not, a husband and/or wife will overact after conflict and anger and emotions will often rule the day.
A Systematic Approach to Rebuilding Your Relationship
So where do you turn after you discover that the relationship is in the toilet?
I am going to walk you through a simple model of one approach you may want to adopt as you seek to rebuild your marriage. Is it perfect and will it work every time?
Of course not. But my experience is that when you follow a game plan predicated on sound psychological principles, you stand a better chance of success.
I have wrote about how one can bounce back after a break up in the following post….
Humans often respond in very predictable ways because we share many of the same psychological behaviors and influences. And this is one of the things you can draw upon in the aftermath of the break up.
For example, we draw close to a person and fall in love. Later, something can happen and a breakup occurs. But that emotional connection between two people is difficult to sever. So when the other party does not communicate or respond for many days after the split, a person will naturally start feeling shut out. Most people will miss their Ex. They will miss the good times. Doubt as to whether they did the right thing starts to creeps in.
So naturally, a person in this predicament will desire to make contact. When the other party does not reciprocate, psychological reactance kicks in. People naturally want that which they don’t have. It is built into our psyche.
Tell me that I can’t have something or do something and guess what….I will try harder to have it or do it. This is particularly the case if what the person longed for was part of their life in the past.
Is this starting to ring a bell! One thing you have in your favor with your ex is “history”. Hopefully, much of the history between you and your ex has been good. Now, I am not saying that every minute the two of you were together was fantastic. I am sure you both had some rough patches…maybe even several down periods.
But a relationship that has festered due to conflicts and unresolved differences is not necessarily doomed. Every marriage or relationship has many good moments from which you can draw from and build upon. There exists an attraction level that simply needs to be tapped into again.
So, no matter what your situation, the principles I teach in creating attraction can help turn things around. You simply need to understand the system.
Now, sometimes you may have to get more creative. Some break up situations are tougher than others, but my point is that for almost every situation I have dealt with when advising clients, the system I teach can meaningfully increase your chances.
But because I have dealt with so many scenarios, I have accumulated some unique insights into how you might want to deal with certain situations. In other posts on this website, I have written in greater detail about some of these situations.
So what I would like to do is share with you a summary of the system I utilize in helping couples find their way back to each other. Typically, when working with a client I want to help them see the bigger picture of where they stand now.
You would think it would be a simple thing to understand what is happening to you right after the relationship split up. But for many people, that period of time is filled with confusion and uncertainty.
It is as if you are in a brain fog and everything you do to see where you are and what you should do next become ever more confusing.
I hope that what I am about to share with you, will prove to be helpful. It may help you see the bigger picture of what your journey might look like. I hope it will cause you to be more hopeful. It may even serve as a wake up call.
My main purpose is to help you with setting realistic expectations.
No matter what, I want you to always remember that while your Ex may have left you, they did not take your life away. That belongs to you.
That is one of your first lessons. And when you learn to live you life without any reliance on your ex, you have taken a huge, bold step.
So however things shake out for you, I want you to know that you will learn from your experiences. Don’t be surprised if there are more twists and turns.
And most powerfully throughout it all, it is entirely up to you to embrace a positive outlook.
Positivity is what will get your far down the road with a much happier frame of mind.
And yes, you are the sole proprietor of your ATTITUDE.
An Ex Recovery System!
I have utilized a system to help my clients for a number of years. I like game plans. More often than not, if you have a plan and some structure around your get your ex back recovery strategy, you stand a better chance of success.
Now I won’t be able to go into great detail here as this article length is limited. I have literally written several books on my relationship recovery system. If you are interested in any of these resources, feel free to visit my websites:
But lets take a few minutes and walk you through the main themes of the system I teach. I think it will benefit those who find themselves in a situation where they have split with their ex but are still interested in potentially reconciling.
Again, if you want the full scoop, go check out my other websites and follow the links to my products and resources.
For now, let me give you a summary!
Initiating the No Contact Principle
In my writings, I spend a considerable amount of time talking about the No Contact Principle. You learn what it is and how and why you should strongly consider implementing this proven strategy.
In order to rebuild attraction, you will learn that sometimes it’s best to cease all communications with your Ex. I consider this one of the most synergistic elements of your Game Plan as it can lead to many positive benefits.
I teach that you Ex is conditioned to miss you and the power that “psychological reactance” (i.e. people want what they don’t have) is like an invisible force that operates on your Ex’s psyche. These things, and more can help with mending the broken connection.
Dealing with Your Recovery
Many people just assume that over time, the pain and heartache of the breakup will simply go away. “Time heals all wounds”, it is said.
You see, that is the problem with a lot of these “sayings”. Some people just assume that it must be true. So they wait for things to get better. But the reality is, if given time, a person’s suffering can actually increase.
The truth is that to get better, one needs to take actionable steps to heal. Otherwise, the tendency is that our mood states will revolve around the negative.
One needs to embark on a goal of becoming a better version of themselves. And when one is in the midst of suffering, without a plan to get better, one can get lost in the Breakup Zone.
Without some guidance, it is more difficult to lift one’s self out of the dark. This is why I like to talk about the things you should do in order to become “The UnGettable Girl” or The Unbelievable Guy”.
Don’t forget a huge lesson in relationship recovery.
People are attracted to a happy person whose life is moving forward. When you embrace this kind of attitude, you reflect the positive vibes that you feel inside. You become a better friend to yourself. This is what you should strive for.
The 5 Phases of Rebuilding Your Relationship after a Breakup
Allowing for Your Ex’s Recovery: If you seek to increase your chances of getting your Ex back, it is imperative that your Ex is given time to shed their negative emotions. Irrespective of who initiated the breakup, your Ex will also be experiencing the pain of separation. There are stages of emotional recovery everyone goes through and to give your Game Plan its best chance of success, you will need to allow your Ex the time to sort through their feelings.
Using Phantom Communication Strategies: As you recall, I spoke about the synergistic relationship each of these system components have in common. And this is very much the case when it comes to utilizing communication strategies to build attraction.
You are probably wondering, “what the devil are phantom communication strategies and how do they help in rekindling attraction with my Ex”. Well, stick around and keep reading the many posts I provide at this website and,you will learn all about it.
You will learn how the No Contact Period is actually a two front campaign in which you are doing things to promote self healing and also executing certain tactics to stir up “memories” and “jealousy”.
Folks, we will be dabbling in the world of the subconscious and dealing with the power of subtle suggestions. I have also created what I call the “Ex Recovery Treasure Chest” which you can use to pluck out many ideas that can help you with rebuilding attraction.
“First Contact” Text Messages: Once the No Contact Period is over, you will want to begin building attraction through tactical texting. You will need to develop a skill set in order to excel in this area.
You should learn about ending the conversation on the high point. I will teach you about “leaving them wanting more”. You will want to understand the importance of relationship “tide theory” and the role it plays in your communications.
You will discover that if you fail with your initial attempt to get a response with your Ex, you will be equipped with several other texting tactics you can employ to ignite your Ex’s interest. And if you are backed up against the wall of struggle, then you can turn to the “Treasure Chest” of ideas found throughout my website.
The Meetup: Hopefully, there will come a time where you and your Ex will meet up. Before this happens, you will want to be prepared for how to conduct yourself in such a meeting.
You will want to learn how to treat this meeting as more than just a time to re-engage. It is important to understand that a meetup affords you an opportunity to continue with “attraction building”.
Such a meeting should be casual and the vibe should be “chill” in all respects. But make no mistake, the Meetup is fertile ground for planting more subtle, yet irresistible cues into your Ex’s subconscious.
Subtle tactics such as “less is more” (i.e. taking things slow), use of positivity, kindness, subtle light touching, certain phrases, eye/smile contact, and use of certain verbal and nonverbal communication are examples of things you can to to rebuild attraction.
And guess what? All of these things can cause the release of oxytocin in your Ex’s brain. What is oxytocin, you may ask? It is simply the most powerful, natural occurring hormone that is instrumental in PAIR BONDING. By implementing all of the elements of the Ex Recovery System, you are slowly making inroads into your Ex’s “right brain”, which is the EMOTIONAL Control Center.
If your Ex associates positive feelings with “you” because of the positive experiences they have enjoyed with you…..and if you leverage certain other tactics….oxytocin will work its wonders.
The Meeting After the Meeting: So the two of you are back together again! Congratulations. But guess what? Unless you and your Ex eventually sit down and REALLY talk about the things that contributed to your breakup, you may end up right back where you started.
Typically, after you have established progress through a casual meet-up or two, there will come a time when the two of you sit down to discuss the problems triggering the break up.
As I alluded to, what you don’t want to happen is the typical on/off breakup cycle. Thus far you have appealed to the “right side” of your Ex’s brain (i.e. emotional). In the meeting after the meeting, it’s time to connect with their “left side” brain.
I teach how you and your lover should go about having a meaningful discussion and I lay out the rules of such a meeting. As with all things, timing is important. You certainly don’t want to rush into talking about these “heavy” matters until the two of you have had some time to simply enjoy each other’s company. But it cannot be something you sweep under the carpet and forget about. History has a persistent way of repeating itself if interventions are not made.
8 responses to “How To Make Up and Rebuild Your Relationship After a Split Up”
I have lied to my girlfriend number of times and now she’s gone but I really want her back what should I do
You want to give her some space but do something that is unique. Send her a message in a bottle. That’s right. A real message rolled in a bottle. Do it up well so it looks first class. Wrap it up then mail it to her. In the message confess you have told her untruths. Genuinely express regret for hurting her and disappointing yourself with your behavior. In the message simply say you do not expect anything from her in return and that you will give her the space she needs. Then utilize the No Contact period that I talk about on this website. Hopefully, this action along with using No Contact will cause her to miss you and appreciate the class you demonstrated. After 30 days or so, you can send her an initial contact message like I teach. You can go to my website, exgirlfriendrecovery.com to get specific examples of the type of text message you can eventually send her.
I went out w/a man to have coffee 3 times & didn’t tell my bf. It was only coffee. I didn’t tell my bf He said he couldn’t handle me hiding it from him so she broke up with me. We’ve been together for 5 yrs. There’s nothing I can say or do to get him back. Ppl in this town made up lies that I slept with this guy which I didn’t. He of course believed the lies. What should I do?
Hi Kris…sometimes people will react badly…overreact to incomplete information. The fact that you and he have been together for 5 years suggests that this story is far from over. You have done nothing wrong. Write him a very brief letter telling him you love him, but have done nothing wrong and are very hurt by his treatment. Leave it a that. People seldom write letters anymore. Perhaps the organic nature of this kind of communication might cause him to re-evaluate. The ball will be in his court to reach out. A little No Contact might go a long ways here.
My bf and I got together 4 years ago his ex kept playing with his heart messed him up pretty good she would play games that she wanted to come home she is the mom of his kids and he really wanted to make it work sense they were a family so he would try to take her back and than she would continue in her ways and want to rekindle with me this happened 3 times but than she passed away we were back together for a year before she passed and a year after she passed but his fb status still says widowed and that hurts me a few months back he broke up with me had me leave for the weekend so I did when I got back he had acted as if we were never broken up we were sleeping together still I was still cleaning raising his kids cooking all the meals and even pitching in with my paychecks he continues to talk about us buying a house together and going to Disney world even talking about Thanksgiving with his family but than a month ago I made a comment sly like to see where we stand and he emplyed that we have not gotten back together than I find out he is sleeping with another women whom he don’t plan to be with on any other level it bothers me cause there is one other time that he had done this with this other women back when I first came back and was rekindling things it hurt a lot and I expressed that and how much it got to me and affected me and he ended it than but recently started doing it again I love him and he use to not be like this what do I do?
Well, he sounds like he wants everything his way. I know you have strong feelings for him. You say you love him. But his treatment of you and his behavior suggests he doesn’t seem to feel as strong about the relationship as you do. The on and off again relationship you have had with him over the years is not conducive to a successful long term relationship. Perhaps you should consider taking some time apart from him. That will give you time to get in touch with your own feelings and decide if this relationship is still worth pursuing. I have written about what I call the No Contact Principle. You can find some articles about it here on this site.
My ex-girlfriend and I were very close friends for 4-5 years before dating, and I mean we went on vacations, slept in the same bed without sexual tension, hung out all the time, talked about everything, kind of friends. We dated for a little over a year and she broke up with me 2 months ago, the day after she had a very intense and out of nowhere family situation come up. We talked about why and the reasons were essentially that we were acting more like friends with benefits than a couple, we weren’t really going out much (which we agree is a mutual fault), and I never really let her into my family life, which I’m more than willing to do now. She also said that it was related to her family situation, and that it was what sort of the last push for her to breaking things off. After however many months of this she fell out of love with me. Within like 2 or 3 weeks of us breaking up I asked if we could try to fix our relationship, essentially begging. She said no and was pretty pissed off about me even asking, saying “not now, not ever,” but before I pushed her to saying that she’d said that maybe we’d date again one day, but she can’t know the future, so maybe it was the result of her being angry? Idk. She wants to try to become friends, but said she doesn’t want to try dating again. I want to approach ‘us’ differently, as more of a couple and less as friends. Anyway, is there any hope? She also said she’s too busy to try to fix a relationship right now (which I understand, she has work/school and family things to deal with), but the semester is ending and winter break is in a few weeks, I sort of hoped we could try to start to build a friendship then and see where it goes. I’m just going a bit mad with hopelessness, and the idea of her falling someone else is a pretty constant source of anguish right now. Thanks in advance mate.
It is really tough when you have invested several years in a relationship with someone you care about and they are pushing you away. I think the most pragmatic thing you can do is give her space. Lots of it. Let he know that is what you are doing. That it will be good for both of you. Let her know you would like to touch base with her sometime “down the road”. Just keep it somewhat nebulous. I think sometimes people need a lot of room to figure things out and gain perspective. You will never be able to control what she does or who she does it with. So just don’t think about that. But you can focus on YOU…focus on being the best version of yourself. Perhaps with some absence of time, she might just look back and grow to appreciate the relationship you had. I don’t think either you or her really know just where your relationship (friends?, close friends?, lovers? couple?) will end up. You both just need some time to live some life. The more you shine the spotlight on this situation, the more she will pull away and reject you. In the meantime, as I said, keep moving forward. In time, you won’t feel so anguished. And realistically, if things don’t work out the way you would of preferred, there is a big big world out there full of possibilities.