It is one of the most painful experiences women can have. You invest your heart and soul in a man you once thought was perfect for you. Then somewhere along the way of what you believed would be a life of marriage bliss, your husband decides to not only cheat on you, but also leave you.
It is almost a nightmarish kind of episode when you string these two events together.
What could be worse?
I know. It is when a husband cheats and then blames you. That is also a pretty low blow if your man pulls off that kind of relationship crap.
By the way, let me call your attention to this guide that I wrote that is intended to help those women whose husband has left them.
Check out Sally’s story down below. She never imagined she would catch her husband red-handed with another woman. Nor did she ever believe it possible that he would blame her for the affair.
But he did and by the way, her reaction to her husband’s cheating ways was spot on. Kudos to her for turning the relationship page.
But let me just reinforce something. When a guy jumps in bed with another woman, then on his way out of the marriage says it’s all your fault, that is just plain disgusting.
Her case was the closest thing to intolerable cruelty I have come across.
So Where Do You Turn When He Cheats and Leaves You For The Other Woman?
What is it in a man that makes him an unreliable mate? Is there some innate feature that men have that makes them untrustworthy scoundrels?
I sure hope not because seeking to find your soul mate would be a futile journey.
OK, let me correct that. I know it is not true.
Not all men are untrustworthy. A husband by definition is not a guy that is wired to pick up women, then trade you in for whatever catches his eye.
Now you may feel your husband is deceitful and manipulative. This may particularly be the case if you are in the middle of the biggest disappointment of your life.
And when you catch him in the act, you may find yourself enraged, fully convinced that men can never be trusted and love is an empty promise.
But that is your anger and emotions talking.
There are literally millions of guys out there and many of are and will be good husbands. Don’t ever give up on your dream of meeting and marrying a good guy and finding love of the lasting kind.
Love and long-term attachment is real and great marriages exist and you too can be part of that, even if your current relationship is in the dumps.
And think of it this way, if your husband is the cheating sort and is now making noises about leaving you, he may be doing you the favor of your life.
Is it Better To Love and Lost Than Never to Embrace Love At All?
You, just like many of my clients will encounter lessons learned and setbacks in your love life.
But it is better to have sought the love of your life and fall short, than to never have tried. The biggest love lesson I can ever teach you is never stop trying to find that connection. Never stop looking for the right man for you. He is out there.
I am not just trying to pump you up with platitudes. The fact is that there are many potential love match ups for you out there in the world. Your challenge is to take what you have learned about yourself and men in general and seek to find the right guy for you.
Another big lesson in love is not to allow setbacks to drown out your faith that marriage can work. Plenty of women have fallen way short of what they wanted for their life within a relationship. So it is an common occurrence.
Be assured that there is love out there for you in all its forms.
You Are Not Alone in Your Suffering
Let’s take a look at love’s tough lessons just to underscore you are not along. I reached into my vault of case studies. Let’s hear from a few of my clients about what they experienced. Later we will talk about what it means to have a husband who betrays you and what you should do if he wants out of the marriage.
Right now you might feel crushed by the whole notion that he has abandoned you. That will change.
But before we get into all that, let me remind you that I love hearing from you. Below this post, there is an area where you can comment. I make an effort to get back with all my visitors within a 48 hour period. So if you have a story to tell about a cheating husband or you have or need a little advice, please weigh in.
So what about some of these clients I mentioned. What they experienced helps shine some light on the reality that your pain is shared by many others and there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.
Look, there is no way around it. My husband is a dog. He cheated on me after 4 months of marriage. As I look back, I think he was cheating on me when we were dating. I don’t know why I felt so shocked when I first learned of his indiscretions. He never really was the most trustworthy of guys. So looking back, I really feel stupid that I even got mixed up with him. He talked a good line and like many women looking for love I just fell for it. I guess the only silver lining is we don’t have any kids and he was only part of my life for 14 months. For any of your women readers out there, I would tell them to cut their losses if their man cheats on them and then tells you he is moving out. This kind of betrayal speaks volumes and I for one have zero tolerance for any man who acts this way.
It is unbelievable when I look back at how all the pieces came tumbling down. Are most men this way because it’s happened twice to me? Fortunately this time we didn’t get married and when I caught him cheating that was the last straw. Sure, he left me, but I made him go. What use is a man that betrays you and lies about it, then behind the scenes makes preparations to leave you. Stupid me in believing we had something special. Can you believe I sent my husband a letter after he cheated asking him to explain why he did all these things. Why do I torture myself? Where do I turn now? I think I know. I am better off with out him. I know there has to be another man…a better man out there for me.
I still can’t believe what my husband did. We had a good thing going and then it all comes tumbling down because he could not keep his hands off this young thing he met. I hate him to this day and when he left me I told him good riddance. Why should I trust a man again. I gave him everything of me and he goes out and finds it elsewhere. I know I need to turn the page because every time I think of what he did to our lives it makes me physically sick. I know I need help as I having trouble putting it behind me. Should I try to forget about it all? I am not sure how? I am still haunted by why he would do this. Is there ever a way to know what really happened. I no longer believe a word my husband tells me about the affair.
You just won’t believe it. I came home early one evening and find my husband naked walking around the house. He was over by the window curtains looking out because he must have heard me coming in. When I saw the look on his face, I knew something was terribly wrong. First I thought he was acting out on some pornographic thing he was up to. But seconds later, a young women peers around the corner, then hurries back to the guest bedroom. For a moment I had this pathetic thought that it was not what it seemed. But before I could process things any further, my husband proceeds to blame me for coming home early as if to excuse his cheating ways. unbelievable. Then he made it out like I was not attending to his needs. In one breath he was trying to tell me that he was not in love with this other woman, it was just the sex they shared. Then in the next breath he tells me I pushed him to the edge and wants out. Whatever he wants me to believe, it does not change the fact that my husband cheated on me and I don’t think I love him anymore. Why should I? I think I know what you are going to tell me. I think I need to start doing things for me and I don’t think I want this man in my life anymore. Life is far too short to spend it with a mistake.
When He Cheats On You Embrace Your Feelings First – Then Embrace Yourself
Where does a women turn when she feels gutted by her husband’s decision to break the trust?
Should she erase her husband from her live forever? Should she allow herself to reflect on the possibly of getting back with him?
After all, he is a cheater, right? Is it even possible to fall in love again with your husband after doing such a thing?
Further complicating matters are those men who can’t even come to terms with the gravity of what they did and how it has threatened the sustainability of the marriage. That is almost as bad as a husband who won’t even admit he cheated on you.
What is one to do with all those feelings that are sometimes in conflict with each other.
The short answer is you need to move away from the negativity.
To many women find themselves trapped in a web of negative emotions, particularly those involve forms of self blame.
Escaping from feelings that you may have done something wrong (which is hogwash) and juggling an assortment of negative, self-destructive emotions is clearly what you want to avoid.
There is something I want you to try to release yourself from the grip of the utter contempt you might feel for your husband right now along and with the other soul crushing emotions like resentment, disdain, and hatred.
You see, you do not want to become a prisoner to the awful feelings that will envelope you after learning that your husband can’t keep it in his pants. Don’t let your husband’s stupid and senseless decision tear away at your soul.
Now, I am not saying there is a foolproof way to stop feeling the pain (emotional and physical) of betrayal. Experiencing such negative feelings and thoughts is not outside the norm. Your aim is to find away to massage them out of your mind so the negativity and sadness doesn’t pull you down to a place of depression.
After all, you still have a life to live and you don’t want to waste any more time than necessary feeling terrible.
How do you accomplish this? What kind of Houdini act will you need to pull to somehow put what your husband did into perspective so it doesn’t continually gnaw at you.
News Flash! Making thoughts of your husband’s unfaithfulness leave your mind will never happen. It is important though to recognize how that eventually you will need to make a decision on whether you still want to go forward in marriage with your husband knowing that he cheated and could do it again.
For now, don’t try to get ahead of yourself.
Right now, your focus should be on getting through the next few days. This is particularly the case if your situation is like some of my clients whose husbands not only cheated on them, but moved out.
There is technique I want you to try. It has to do with embracing your own feelings.
Too often, women who are rebounding from a marriage torn asunder by betrayal, will try to push their pain completely out of the mind. They may delude themselves with notions that what has happened really isn’t so bad.
Or worse, they may betray their own real feeling, pretending that they are really not reeling from pain. Sometimes, as a coping mechanism, a woman can turn a blind eye to their own suffering.
I think that is a mistake. What has happened to you (if your husband cheated and left you) is an awful experience. You should be grieving. This kind of betrayal and abandonment is a heavy load for anyone to bear. In the beginning stages of your grief, you should embrace your pain fully.
If you supremely hurt because of what your husband did, then experience your hurt fully. Cry with passion. Let it all out.
Find a big pillow or large stuffed bag and start punching it. Scream. Get it out in a way that works for you. But do in it in privacy.
Now practically speaking, before you have the mother of all pity parties, you need to give consideration to going somewhere so you can let it all out with full privacy. You sure don’t want the neighbors thinking you are going nuts or are under attack.
But you get the idea here I think. You can’t let those emotions get the best of you. If you contain them and ignore them, they will. So purge them.
One technique that might work for you if you are having a lot of negative thoughts about your self-worth because of what you husband did is something I call the Absurdity Rant.
Here is how it works. Just start talking smack about yourself for sixty seconds. You might be thinking, “why would I want to berate myself?” Well, the answer is if you are already internalizing a lot of negative thoughts about what has happened to you and that you may never get your husband back, etc, etc, then sometimes it is best to just go on a rampage vocalizing aloud these negative thoughts so you can hear for yourself how absurd your thoughts truly are.
You see, that is the point. Once you start saying out loud all of the awful thoughts that are in your mind, you in effect exorcise them from your person.
In fact it his hard to keep a straight face after you do this for a minute or so. When you hear your own self negative thoughts spoken, you realize just how stupid they are and how pointless it is to constantly beat yourself up.
For example, if you are secretly thinking, “My husband cheated and betrayed me because I deserve it.” Or “I am so worthless, even my spouse doesn’t want me anymore”.
If you find these kind of negative feelings coursing through your mind, then you need to get rid of them. And one way to accomplish that is through an Absurdity Rant.
Be Your Own Best Friend After the Affair
So if you want to get all of the venom and negative energy out of your system you need to commit yourself to an emotional pivot. The truth is that whatever happened with your husband was his doing. You are not responsible for his poor decision. Your focus should now be on recovery. So be your own best friend. Treat yourself with tender loving care.
Tell yourself a supreme relationship truth.
Do you care to know what it is?
The truth is that you have control of your attitude and mood. You have many options in front of you and things can get better, with or without your husband being part of your life. When you embrace a positive outlook and immerse yourself in positive and fulfilling experiences, then the chances of good things coming from your choices is much greater.
If your husband has chosen to cheat on you and not be part of your life, then it is his loss. Because after all (and this is how you should think) you could have made his life wonderful. Now you have a chance to make your own life even more wonderful than it would have been with your untrustworthy husband.
Embrace opportunities to re-engage in all those things that you really enjoy doing. As your own best friend, ask yourself how you would like to be treated. Then do those things for yourself.
6 responses to “I Can’t Believe My Husband Cheated and Left Me”
My husband left me, he abandoned our marriage, abandoned himself and abandoned me. For me it is my first marriage and him the 2nd. We work for the same company but different countries. I transferred to his country where I currently am now. It all started when he took a 4 night break to the Dominican republic. As a trusting wife I had no issue with him going as he said he was stressed at work etc… A week after coming back he asked me do I think we are going through a rough time. I said no and he highlighted that we haven’t been sexually intimate in a while. This was an issue for him. I told him I think it is more circumstances based( I had been to my home country for 3 weeks, he had been on a 7 week intensive training course and our working hours were different) so i told him if we took a break together and we weren’t intimate I would be concerned. I asked him why he didn’t communicate sooner because we have always had good communication. The next day he is strange with me, when I confront him he said he is questioning why he didn’t communicate with me and he felt bad. This continued for over 6 weeks, he went in to a depression and was even suicidal. I told him to seek therapy, which he did for 5 full days however a hurricane happened and everything was closed for a few weeks. Throughout this time he shut down, he wouldn’t communicate, he stopped telling me he loved me, when I asked him about this he would tell me he doesn’t know who he is anymore and if he loved me he wouldn’t be putting me through this. He also confessed he lied to me when we met, he told me his ex wife had cheated on him but actually he cheated on her, 3 times. Not one night stands, full blown affairs. She doesn’t know about the first one, he denied and begged for forgiveness and then did it twice more. He told me he is afraid he will do the same with me. Spanish is his native language, I found notes he had written in Spanish. Yes I was saying, not proud of myself but I felt I had no option. I found a list of women’s name and he had titled it the history of the women in my life. Just short lines about each. Beside my name he said he was unfaithful in the Dominican republic. I confront him and he said he kissed a girl that was it. I believed him however something made me get the letter fully translated from a friend as my spanish is not so good. The letter said he went to the Dominican republic to be unfaithful with this woman, and he wrote her full name, it also said all contact was through social media. I confronted him again and he said he met this woman on a dating website, they had planned to meet there and he said he told her he was married. I also found he worse her a goodbye letter during the hurricane as there was no power, in this letter he tells her how what they have is passionate and intense and how the look of love makes her beautiful and he loves her but they can’t be together, also she has a young son. He said he lied to her, he wrote that he gave her an illusion of love and future, he said he could never love a woman like that however he would not even try with me because he doesn’t deserve me and he can’t say he would do the same thing again in the future. But he is still in contact with this woman, even though he sent what he calls a goodbye letter. This has devastated me. I feel like he is making me the bad person, he is very cold with me doesn’t care about my feelings. I went to my home country for a week and he didn’t text me once. When I arrived back at our home, the first night back, i spied through his backpack and found out he was sending her money, I saw him outside our house on her Facebook, I didn’t say anything. he saw I was mad but I didn’t tell him why, he made it clear he didn’t think about me while I was gone, not how we would communicate considering we still live and work together, not about a divorce, not about moving out, nothing, I wasn’t even a thought. I told him he didn’t deserve me, he went to the other room(his room he is sleeping) I went outside to get some air, I saw a light on in his room, I looked through the window and he was masterbating while on video chat( assuming with her). I couldn’t control my anger, I knocked on his door let him know I saw what he was doing and told him I want a divorce so now he has to communicate. I also asked him to leave the house we share. This has been 2 weeks ago, I have my good days and bad days and very bad days. I feel so replaceable. The pain feels so unbearable
I am so sorry you have been through so much pain. Some men are just scoundrels. It looks your guy falls into that category. Perhaps a better way of looking at things is to give kudos to yourself for discovering what your husband is really all about. You have ample opportunities to carve out a new path for your life without him. I know the hurt and pain can seem unbearable, but you will get through this period. Focus on YOU and your needs. Given your husband’s history, it is probably not worth trying to salvage this relationship. There are plenty of good men out there for you. Be proud of yourself. You are strong and will get through this.
I’m devastated about my husband deserting me. I was blindsided and still feel tormented by being in the same apartment. Do t know how I’m going to get out of this my mind never stops
My husband, who I’ve been with since I was 17 (together since 2010 married in 2015), left me in March and I found out (after having suspected and made to feel crazy) that he was having an affair with a married coworker. Fast forward almost 2 months to the end of April, he came back, begging for my forgiveness, making promises… he’d never do this again, he loves me, he regrets everything, he’d do anything and everything to make it work…. but then he dropped the bomb… his affair partner was pregnant and he was sure that it was his. This woman had JUST had a baby with her husband two months before. I couldn’t believe it. But foolish me took him back and soaked up every word he told me. I believed him. The man I married was honorable, smart, kind, dignified… things went well for a couple months. He blocked her number and focused solely on our marriage. Things felt normal again. But as time went on, he reopened communication with her due to her pregnancy. And things started to shift again. Now it’s October and he left me again for her. I can’t believe it happened again. I feel stupid for believing him. I’m so shocked, betrayed, and incredibly hurt. At this point, I don’t want him back. I could never trust him again. I’m just waiting for the day that my head stops spinning and my heart stops aching. How could I possibly love and miss this man who has hurt me so bad? My heart hurts for our 3 year old. I just don’t know how to let these feelings go.
I can see you have been thru a lot. I think your focus should be on your personal healing and doing things to bring fulfillment into your life. It won’t happen overnight, but you will be able to heal your emotional wounds. Time is your friend in such matters. But so to are self recovery activities for which there are many.
I am Gabrielle. Recently my Husband and what I believed to be my Twin Flame of 13 years held an ongoing affair and is now leaving for the other woman. We have a beautiful family with 4 children and have shared a wonderful life filled with what now seem like unbearable memories.
He was my very best friend and I thought my ride or die forever. We always had such open communication and did everything together. I never imagined he would do this to our family.
He told me one day he no longer wanted to be married because of himself and he was struggling to feel feelings in general, then the very next day the two of them stayed the night together and he forced one of our children who witnessed them together to lie to me.
I truly feel as if I am mourning the “death” of my marriage. I am so broken, betrayed, and bewildered by my current reality.
The worst part is, he isn’t just having an affair with just someone. She was his best friends girlfriend and my good friend. They had been coming over to our home often and going to the lake with us to kyack/canoe and getting closer to our children and family.
This woman also has a daughter with his (my husband’s) biological brother so he is beginning a relationship with a child he already was an Uncle to but now a step-father figure, and our children viewed the child as a cousin now is potentially a step-sibling.
I am devastated and disgusted by his actions and choices…. yet I still find myself bawling on my bathroom floor wanting my old life back. I don’t know why I can’t just let go and hate him for what he had done and is doing to our family and marriage? Deep down I still love him and feel I made a commitment to forever that I don’t know how to just forget and let go of.