Has your husband ditched you?
Are you in a situation in which your husband deserted you and it happened so fast you still don’t know how it all came down and what it all means?
How do you cope if your husband has left you?
No doubt, when your husband deserts you it can bring about all kinds of emotional chaos along with uncertainty as to why he really did it and what you should do about it.
I hear from women every day about losing their husband. They feel alone. They feel confused. They feel rejected and the experience is about as painful as it can get.
Not just emotional pain, but actual physical pain too as the body seems to go haywire in all the wrong places.
“When he left me I thought my world was over. I ached for him back everyday. Far too long I relied on my husband for just about everything. I had become far too dependent on him. But a year after the event, I feel so much more in control of my life, having realized that being attached to somebody who really didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved was never going to work out.”
“My husband left me after 12 years of what was both a troubled marriage and one that sometimes brought us great joy. I don’t even know how to process what I feel. It is really hard to concentrate on anything else and I know I am confused. My husband leaves me, yet I am still in love with him? How does that work? Part of me was glad he left. But now I have all these missing parts of my life that were so used to him being around and doing the things that made me feel part of something. What is wrong with me? I know in my thinking mind he was more trouble than good, but I can’t shake loose of him. I hate him for what he did and sometimes I hate myself for allowing him to make me feel so vulnerable.”
“After he left me I have turned into a mess. I never realized how much he meant to me. I am filled with shock over the whole thing. I know I messed things up and am willing to change. Everyday I wake up and think, ‘Oh my god, my husband left me, how do I get him back? ‘
“My husband and I have begun talking about divorce. Part of me cannot even believe it. Soon he will move out and finally will really be gone. For years all I could think of was when can I get away from him. Now come all these questions. He is about to leave me now but I don’t even know what I am entitled to. I really can’t believe this is happening. I didn’t know I would be a jumbled mess. What do I down now? I don’t want to be stuck alone by myself. What will I do if I run out of money? He said all of that will be taken care of but I don’t even know what that means and if I can trust him. Should I have my own lawyer? We are trying to keep it simple and inexpensive.”
I understand it can be incredibly difficult when you find yourself without a husband, not knowing where to turn. And this awful situation can unfold in so many different ways.
For example what if you husband cheated on you, then walked out? What do you do in such a situation? There are not easy answers for such a relationship fiasco. I have written a post about this, so take a peak when you get a chance:
Let’s for a minute just stop and try to get some perspective. If you are one of millions of women whose husband has stormed out of the marriage, then I want you to take a step back and realize some very important things.
Getting some perspective that it is not the end of the world should be one of your first aims. Life moves on and while it may be difficult for you to process that now, you have many paths you can take which can lead you to very fulfilling experiences.
It is said that the art of achieving happiness is through relationships and immersing yourself in a wide variety of diverse experiences.
So take the bull by the horns and come to terms with the reality that you ultimately possess control of your own happiness.
How Should You Feel After Your Husband Leaves You?
Right now, it is probably hard for you to see the silver lining. Much of what you feel right now is the pain of losing your husband. It probably feels like he has been stripped away from your life. The man you once thought was the right guy for you has shaken up your world view.
It is hard to shake loose of the feeling of no longer being an everyday part of your husband’s life. With the marriage in question, your identify has come under fire.
There were times when the two of you would literally move and breath as one.
Sure, you were both your own person in many ways, but without realizing it, you were both also largely defined by the other’s presence.
So if your husband leaves you suddenly, there will be this sense of a gap in your life or a missing part.
Later you will realize these feelings and sense of reality is only temporary. But for now, if you are coming off of a marriage split up, nothing feels more real than those emotions coursing through every part of your mind and body.
One of the reasons you still feel so tied to your husband, even if you are filled with anger or rage for what he has done, is because it is so hard to shake loose of the tremendous bond people form when they have been close and together for such a long time.
Think about it. Even if many aspects of the marriage was flawed, there were so many things the two of you were a part of together. Your memories of things are largely intertwined and those joyous moments, times when you both enjoyed each other’s company, is part of the glue that keeps that bond from completely coming apart.
When you boil it down to its essence, married couples are bonded and tied together for many reasons including physiological, emotional, psychological, social, and financial reasons.
That is a lot of things that the two of you have experienced together.
And by the way, before I forget, if you find yourself stranded in marriage and are looking for some ways to arouse your husband’s interest in you again, consider some of these tactics I wrote about in this post:
No doubt, learning to cope with a husband who has gone AWOL is going to be a big adjustment.
When you are in a state of disbelief about your husband leaving you, simply pinch yourself and repeat, “I am strong and will get through this”.
Tell yourself that your husband walking out on you is a good thing.
Of course, you won’t understand why that is the case in the moment of the searing pain you may be experiencing, but in time, you will realize that his decision, however rash or unwise it may have been, has forced you to decide if you wish to invest any more time in the relationship.
What Are the Different Ways a Husband Can Leave His Wife?
Just because your husband or boyfriend has supposedly called it quits and walked, doesn’t mean that is what he really wants.
People, including your husband, often behave in the opposite way in how they feel.
In his deepest of hearts, he may not want to bring an end to the marriage. His action may be one coming from impulse. He may be heading for the marriage exit not because he doesn’t love you anymore, but rather he may be immature and is acting out of stupidity or spite.
Sometimes men will walk away from their marriage because they think they would be happier elsewhere. Maybe their mind is so cluttered, they feel they need time to sort things out. Your man may essentially need some peace and quiet to process his next move. In some cases, your man may leave you because he is confused about what he really wants. A little solitary time can sometimes awaken his true feelings.
I have also seen cases where a husband drops out of the marriage because he thinks he has fallen in love with another woman.
So he decides to bolt and chase after his dream romance. But often times, the other relationship doesn’t pan out in the way he imagined and he later finds himself trying to explain to his estranged wife that he has made a terrible mistake and she is the one he “really” loves.
Then occasionally, there are guys who decide that marriage commitment is not what they wanted at all in their life. There may be some psychological component in their thinking that leads them to feel trapped and caged. So in order to make those feelings go away, they self destruct the marriage.
Men of this yoke usually suffer from what is called an insecure attachment style. They are usually not good marriage material because they inherently have problems with connecting on an emotional level.
So when a husband initiates a breakup, it can happen in all sorts of ways, but the common denominator is there is a “break” in the bond. Something is wrong and whatever it is has to be ferreted out and addressed.
So What Does It Mean For You When He Leaves?
Well, as I alluded to earlier, I prefer to look at things in the frame of the glass is more than half full. If your husband leaves you, then it brings out into the open that something is very wrong.
While the act of him deserting can be incredibly painful, imagine how much pain and suffering could accumulate if the marriage rocked along for years with neither party satisfied.
Sometimes the shock of something happening is in itself a potential remedy to the problem.
It forces the husband and wife to examine and re-examine their priorities and if they seek to mend the broken fences, it causes them to do so with a sense of renewed purpose.
How You Shouldn’t React When He Walks Out
If your husband actually left you, for starters don’t panic.
It is not the end of the world as you know it. You have your life.
You have love for other people in your life and others love you.
Far worse things can happen to you. And just possibly, your husband’s choice to drop out of the relationship could be a blessing. You may discover later that he has done you the biggest favor of your life.
Don’t make any decisions about meaningful things until you have had an opportunity to absorb what has happened, why it happened, and what you might want in your life going forward.
Chances are that you will feel panicky and the need to do something impulsively will dominate your mood for a spell. Tap down those feelings. They will get you in trouble and you will come to regret decisions or actions you undertake without reasoning through the potential outcomes.
What you should be doing is surrounding yourself with those who love you. Pull them in your emotional orbit. Remain active and find some new activities and routines you can incorporate into your life.
Remember, when you provide yourself with a diverse set of experiences and surround yourself with people you love and love you, happiness will come into your life.
In time, the pieces of your life will fall back into place and you will have a much clearer picture of what you want to do, with or without your ex husband.
Should You Take Him Back?
Remember, if your husband walked out of the marriage, he in effect deserted you and the life the two of you built together.
That is a pretty big deal. So don’t be in too much of a hurry to take him back if the opportunity presents itself.
When a marriage craters because the husband has left the wife, the healing process should be lengthy.
I am a big fan of taking little steps in such matters.
He will need to not only romance you back, as if you were dating for the first time, he should also acknowledge the mistakes he has made and counseling may be in order.
But I don’t want you to forget that you too probably have some things you need to work on as well to make the marriage connection all that much stronger.
Rarely is the downfall of a relationship completely due to only one person’s action.
Sometimes it not worth taking your husband back.
During the period you are alone, you will need to do some serious thinking about what you want out of the relationship going forward and you will need to ask yourself if your estranged husband can truly provide it to you.
Sometimes men cannot change their stripes. They are bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and you are left trying to pick up the pieces.
If you can look into the past history of the two of you being a couple and much of what you see is a marriage frequently on the rocks, then you really need to ask yourself why you keep repeating the same mistakes.
Perhaps you are thinking, “No Chris, my husband is the one making the mistakes, I am just trying to keep this marriage together”. But have you ever ask yourself about whether your forgiveness of your husband’s mistakes over and over gain is not a mistake on your end? Perhaps it is and what you are doing is enabling this awful predicament to play out in a bad way over and over again.
It can be really hard for you to walk away from your husband for good.
There can be many reason for this ranging from psychological, emotional, financial, social and for the sake of the family.
But if you can look at the past and see far too much ruin, then it might be time for you to say “No, I am not going to allow myself to be dragged through unhappiness. I am not going to take him back. Our love will be a different love and it will be from afar”.
11 responses to “I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me”
My husband left me, without even telling me, hope he gets deported.
I probably remarry he losted a very understanding loving caring thoughtful wife it been 10 months since he left me
He just married me for, a green card;
his actions Proved it
Hi Chris, Thanks for the reply back to last week comment on my marriage to a husband who just wanted his green card, the good news is we have enough to prove his Fraud and his leaving me on purpose, he was crazy to leave, any other girl in my place would have ditch him in his country. Since our wedding night his phone was more important then me, when he left he took condoms , he a low life, which husband does that, he was so lucky , you know, he is a con, nobody is recommending me to go back to him, and he never made love to me only. s**.
He didn’t care about emotional or physical intimacy, the guy was so mean and nasty, hopefully they will cancel his green card for good.
Best of luck to you Sherin. I am sure you will land on your feet and find someone special to share you life with.
Thanks ,Chris .
I will try my best, my “husband” losted me, he will never gain my respect after he left me, I forgive him though.
Please keep up the good work and add more articles,maybe articles on Green Card marriages for Love or obtaining a Green Card.
My husdand of 19 years told me about 5 weeks ago he couldn’t stay in this marriage and want a divorce but wants to stay for a year in half until our youngest son graduates.THEN sale our house and go our ways. He works night and I work days so he thought he could still live in the same house. About 3 weeks ago I couldn’t handle him still living with me and eating my dinners,me washing his clothes ect so I asked him to live with his mom and dad until the end of the month and he did! I still love him very much and working on my bad habits and changing my negatively to positive and being kind. Now that the month is over he doesn’t want to come back! When we do see each other we talk to each other great and sit next to each other during our boys games and just yesterday he came home and we did our bills together( like he’s always wanted) and we spent the whole day hang together. The boys came home and he had we all had dinner together then off he went to work.I WAS very positive and kind and loving and he was Also! Called me babe but I’m pretty sure its a habit. But he still wants to stay with his mom and dad until he gets enough money to rent a room from his friend. I WAS so involved with me boys last 4 years I have ignored my marriage! It took him saying he couldn’t be with me anymore for me to see what I was doing your our marriage. HE HAD his things that hurt the marriage like not helping me with my teenagers and starting to work night when I knew it was a bad idea. He says he still Cares about me but doesn’t love me. I’m madly in love with him and don’t know what I should DO. PLEASE HELP
The separation may actually help. Sometimes space allows you both to get a clearer picture of what you want. I understand your emotions are all over the place. Have you considered trying out a form of limited contact? You might want to check out some of the articles I have written on that topic and others as well.
It hard to beleive that after 19 years all of his love has gone out the window. It really doen’t work that way. Perhaps there is more going on with where his head is at. These mix messages you are getting from him may suggest he is unsure how he really wishes to proceed.
Thank you so much for getting back to me! I’ve been see a councilor the week he said it was over. Probably 8 to 9 times so far and you have been way more helpful with your articles than she has ever been! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing what you do to help people like me!
Yes I have considered the no limited contact period! In fact I started it today but should I tell Him? When he texts me it’s very short like he’s doing the no limited contact also. As of new years eve I started ready your articles and so much of what you say it home. New years day I found my special place to write down my new habits and the examples of them and gave them to him Last night! But no response!
I know he’s worried about his elderly parents and his own HEALTH. He had a kidney transplant when he was 35 and a heartattack when he was 44 and now at 49 he’s boarder line diabetic. When he shows up to our boys basketball game he really looks bad and the parents that know him are worried about him. I’m just afraid to say anything nagitave to him so I just stay positive and upbeat about everything. I haven’t been a perfect wife but I’ve been there for him through all his medical ups and downs and job changes and the 4 moves in 5 years ect! He’s an awesome dad an husdand ! We have had are share of fights but nothing we can’t work through!
He just looks lost and he did all of this during the holidays which he didn’t even thing About. I know there’s no good time for this but our boys where really thrown for a loop.
So I guess my question is you don’t think the last three weeks were long enough for him to be away?
Thank you again for listing!
P.S you do have books .
I think it is a good idea to be forthright with your husband and tell him that you to need some space and will be pulling back off of contact with him. Position it as a win win (not as a way to punish him) as you feel that both of you need time to heal and get in touch with your feelings and how you wish to live your life going forward. Since you have children, I think it is perfectly normal that the two of you will be in contact at times about that. Encourage him to make time for the kids so they don’t think they have done something wrong. Usually no contact or limited contact periods range from 21 to 45 days. There is no magic number, though anything past 45 days is usually counterproductive. When you don’t pursue him and when you show him that you get get along in life without him if need be, that sometimes can have a strange but discnerable attractive influence on him. Deep inside, men want those things which they have to chase after. Perhaps he has take you for granted for all these years in some respects. And perhaps he will discover, in time, that what he imagines as a better alternative life is not better.
It seems your husband is at that age where he is sizing up life and choices and what he thinks he wants. But I am guessing he doesn’t really know what he really wants yet. It might just be stairing him in the face. So perhaps he needs room to grapple with these things.
Neither you or I or your counselor knows the future. But it is wise to focus on yourself and be pragmatic about possible outcomes. You have a whole full life ahead of you and many paths lies before you. Right now, I know you probably can’t see the future without him in your life. But trust me, there are always other paths for people that can bring them happness and fullfillment.
Sorry….one more thing!
You ask if I have books. I will be launching a My Marriage Helper System program in the future that consists of several ebooks and videos, but that probably is still a few months away. Meanwhile, you can go to my website at http://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com and find a lot more articles and several ebooks as well as Private Facebook Support Group designed for women who are going through a breakup. The Private Support group has a one time annual fee of $99 and has about 900 women that are part of it. It’s quite active and very supportive. My wife and I partipate in that forum and I do “live” Facebook sessions weekly for the members.
Thank you Chris! Even our 16 and 19 year old boys told him that I was working on my self and didn’t want a divorce but he told them the damage was already done! They were shocked and Mad but they still love Him! I’m going to tell him about the no contact tomorrow at the boys game!
Thanks again chris!
Best of luck Stacy.