It is never an easy thing to try and recover from a marriage separation or breakup or worse a marital divorce. When an ex husband or ex wife is what you seek to recover…if you are looking for ways in which your can get them back, then you need to have a full understanding of the do’s and don’ts.
Let’s start first with some ground rules.
When you are seeking to get someone back there are a few things you want to avoid. First up, avoid jumping to conclusions about what you “think” you want.
What if it later turns out that you really don’t want your ex husband or ex wife back. Sometimes, after the pain of a breakup, one of the parties…sometimes even both….will harbor strong feelings about getting back together. These emotions usually spring forth from anxiety and fear that arises from the marriage routines coming to an end.
Even if upon reflection, you see that the marriage was far from healthy and that your ex husband or ex wife was creating a great deal of your dissatisfaction, we as people are sometimes not well equipped to move away from these relationships.
The pull and connection that has been built up over many years, even if a lot of those years were not very fulfilling, can reach deep into your soul and cause you to hunger to have some level of normalcy return.
I call it the “abnormal Normal”. I know, it is crazy when you think about it. It is not logical at all. But who said that couples think logically after they break up. The pull of reuniting, even if it is clearly not in your best interest, can be strong.
So that is one type of situation that could unfold. Another ex marital situation is where the two of you broke up, but it really was not a horrible parting. Maybe you have not been married that long. Maybe the breakup was an emotional reaction to an event. Perhaps your husband or wife was unfaithful.
Do you and your spouse still have a chance to put things back together? Of course you do. Indeed, I wrote a post about this specific topic, so feel free to dive in!
Being cheated on by your spouse can cause explosive reactions that can lead to separations and serious breakups between husband and wife. But they don’t necessarily end a marriage. The breakup can be more of the temporary nature.
So whatever situation you are facing, whether it be similar to what I described above or something entirely different, I want you to avoid any impulsive actions.
If you feel drawn back to pursue the marriage….just know that those feelings may be betraying what is truly in your best interests. So what is in your best interest when it comes to getting back with your ex husband or ex wife? It is likely, you won’t know the answer to that question for a while. That is why you need to take things slow and not rush back to your ex husband or ex wife. Rushing and acting out from the right side of the brain….our emotional side…. usually puts you into a mine field of outcomes. So take things slow.
This is why I am keen on adopting a No Contact period immediately following the break up with your ex husband or ex wife. It will do you good to get some time to get your head screwed on back right and likewise your husband or wife will need time to put things in perspective as well.
Usually I advocate taking 21 to 30 days to reconnect with yourself and pursue some self healing. Both husband and wife need to figure out what is best for them and that is rarely done in the first few weeks after a break up or separation.
Whether you take 21 to 30 days to get thing back in order emotionally, is up to you. That is usually the time period that I recommend, though quite frankly, every recovering ex wife (or ex-husband) faces their own unique situation, so one needs to use good judgement in how to manage this period of time.
If you have children or let’s say you work together, it can make it more difficult to manage this period of time where the focus should be on “you”. My married clients who are separated from their ex husband or ex wives will often ask me how they observe the spirit of the No Contact Principle, if they have kids together with their ex or work with their ex spouse.
I advice they should use good common sense. Just keep the discussion or dialogue you might have with your ex solely on the kids (or work issues) or whatever the unique situation might be.
Communicate as needed for the welfare of the kids, but keep the focus on healing and growing as an individual during the No Contact period. If your ex should ask why you are not being more forthcoming or communicative, be honest and explain that you are using the next several weeks to heal from the pain of the breakup and to focus on being the best version of yourself. Just say it like that and no more. In these matters, sometimes less is more.
You don’t want to come off as the “needy” person or the one that is doing all of the chasing. Even if every fiber of your mind and body is telling you to call or text or email your wife or husband, it is best you observe the No Contact Period for your own best interest.
There is an interesting Principe called “reactance theory” which is psychological principle which suggests that when you withhold something from somebody, they will want and desire it more.
People want what they are told they can’t have. And this is even more true when it comes to relationships that break down and result in the ex’s going their separate ways. Invariably, one of the Ex’s will have second thoughts about whether they did the right thing. They may feel that the attraction is returning after they have heard some things about you or see how well you are getting along.
This attraction and desire to see you and be with you and talk with you and make love with you can start working on your ex husband or ex wife in subtle to even more significant ways. It is wired into the psyche of men and women. Once a connection is made, which is what the two of you had during the good times and while the marriage relationship was in place, it is difficult for all that to be forgotten. Things usually need to get exceptionally dysfunctional before that connection erodes.
Summary of Marriage Tips on Getting Your Ex Husband or Wife Back
- Take things slow. Don’t rush back into the failed relationship with your ex. Take time to evaluate what happened and how you feel about it. Sometimes, surprisingly so, it takes awhile to get fully in touch with your innermost desires. Be aware that in those early days after a break up or separation, you may be acting out a lot of feelings and behaviors from the right side of your brain (i.e. the emotional side). Here is a quick lesson on that topic for married but separated couples. The right side is the emotional, creative, and intuitive side of our mind. The left side is the reasoning and logic side of our brain. We need the emotional side of our brain, but sometimes it can lead us in the wrong direction. It is suppose to be the side of the brain which our intuition and creativity emerges. But when too many emotions run amok, it can throw off your judgement. So allow time for things to settle down so you can “live” equally in both side of the brain
- Observe a No Contact Period. This is meant to help you smooth things out. It is likely that both you and your wife or husband are not in such a great place, emotionally So if you want your Ex back, recognize that they wanted to separate from you. But go the whole nine yards. Do not communicate in any way with your married ex for a period of time. This time can range from 14 to 45 days. A 21 or 30 day No Contact Period generally works well for most. Now, this won’t be easy. Perhaps at first it will. You may still very very upset with your spouse and the very idea of talking with him or her is quite upsetting. But surprisingly, many spouses are later tempted to reach out or “check in”. It is hard to break away from from you ex for a significant period of time. The decision to invoke the No Contact Principle will allow you later to explore whether the relationship has a chance from a better position of leverage and personal power. Though it is not the only reason why you should consider doing a No Contact Period. Read on!
- During the No Contact Period, you should dedicate yourself to becoming the best version of yourself. Work on making yourself feel whole again is imperative because anytime a marriage ends in separation or divorce, there will be pain. There are many things you can do and I write about this in greater length in this post:
4. Up your physical activity and your social activity level. Go out with friends, sign up for an exercise or hobby class. Get involved and do things to create new routines. Some of the old routines involving your former husband or wife need to be replaced with some other positive activites and experiences. While you are at it, be active on social media and it is entirely OK to play on some jealousy tactics later own if you desire to explore re-igniting the spark. Your ex will likely not help but notice how you are getting along. Social media stalking is fairly commonplace these days, so while I don’t want you to get crazy with playing up the jealousy tactics, it usually helps your case to show your ex (if they are watching) that you are getting along quite well.
5. When it is time to imitate contact for the first time, try using some text at attractors to stimulate some conversation. I talk about this quite a bit in my book, The Texting Bible and my Ex Recovery Pro Series which you can find on my websites exboyfriendrecovery.com and exgirlfriendrecovery.com.
Feel free to visit me at those websites to learn more about how to increase your chances of winning back your Ex. Also, I encourage you to take a moment and comment below and let me know what is going on with your situation. I would like to hear about it and will respond.
17 responses to “Marriage Tips on Getting Your Ex Husband or Wife Back”
My wife and I are married for the last 15 years and have a beautiful 12 yo daughter. Throughout it has been a love affair and really I love nobody more in the world than I love her.
We had a tough life in the beginning with financial problems but we are now passed those and actually live a very comfortable life for the last 5 years or so. We spend lots of time together and really had zero problems until a year ago.
Last July, we went to a hotel for a weekend and when we came back, my wife confessed to me crying that she had started smoking. i reacted very bad (now I realise) and tried to push her to quit, always because I care. The last year we had 6 incidents where we had big fights always for the same reason. As she would not smoke in the house she would smoke at work. During the weekends she was visiting a girlfriend that lives next to our house where she would go for half an hour, to smoke.
Our weekends became stressed because of her ne habit and a month ago she picked up her things, rented a flat and moved there. I was out with my daughter when that happened and when I got home and saw her things missing I basically collapsed. For 2-3 weeks I did all the mistakes of begging and crying but her heart was so hardened I could not believe how she treated me.
Last week I decided to go NC and came to holidays with my daughter. My wife is not contacting me at all during this last week but contacts our daughter morning and night by texting her.
We are going back home on Sunday and my intention Is to stay NC until end of August where I will try to contact her again and see if things are any different. My fear is that NC will only grow the distance.
She has exams coming up on 6/9 (a subject she failed twice) so she will be stressed a couple of weeks before that. Do you think I should send her a text like 10 days before to tell her I believe in her and that she will do fine? Maybe remind to her that I miss her? Or should I stay NC no matter what.
I am positive there is no other man involved and I know she loves me (or at least she used to).
15 years of marriages creates a great deal of traction. The relationship, while it may be experiencing some hard times at the present, has every opportunity to come back together. I don’t think implementing No Contact is the best approach given the circumstances your described. With her having moved into a flat, limited contact is already forced into the situation. Perhaps your wife needs some time alone to process things. Perhaps the fights you have had with her and the guilt she has around picking up the smoking habit is taking a toll and influencing the dynamic. But instead of driving a wedge by implementing No Contact, I would advise you to do what you suggested….supporting her. The stress around the upcoming exams certainly can heighten the vulnerability she may be filling. So I would consider doing something somewhat unexpected. Find a an empty wine bottle and compose a lovely note of appreciation of her many acts of love and kindness you have experienced over the many years of marriage. Wish her the best in her upcoming exams. Just make a kind gesture. Don’t talk about getting together or that you want her back, etc, etc. Just make a gesture of kindness. The rest will begin to fall in place in due time as you slowly rebuild trust and replace the negative thoughts she may have around you and the dialogues you have had about her smoking habit with more positive and supportive thoughts. On the topic of smoking cessation (when it comes up in the future), simply tell her you will support whatever she thinks is best for her (a bit of reverse psychology). She needs to be self motivated to stop, without being pushed by others. Yes, people often need help to cross that bridge, but sometimes it is best if it does not come from the spouse, particularly if they have had a negative history over talking about the topic.
Thank you so much for your words. NC is by no means to achieve anything else than to let her breath and remember all the good times and hopefully begin to doubt her decision. She must feel bad deep inside because she knows I have been a great husband for her and a great dad. We had a great marriage and she knows I would give my life for her. She knows how deeply in love with her I am.
I will take your advice and send her a note in about 15 days, that’s 10 days before her exam to tell her that I know she is stressed and I wish I could be there with her to support her but to also tell her I believe I her and that I am sure she will do great and to fear nothing at all. Should I say also that I am here for her whatever she needs or is that too much?
Until then I am half alive and totally terrified of losing the love of my life and mother of our baby but I am so scared of reaching out too soon only to be let down once more. Staying NC is the hardest thing I had to do in my life and totally against my feelings.
Yes, it can be difficult when we cease communications and contact with a loved one. Just to clarify, the idea with the wine bottle is a message in the bottle type of approach.A clear, corked bottle with a note in it. That type of delivery mechanism sends a message in itself. Its better to keep the words brief. Less is sometimes “more”. Let her know you wish to support whatever privacy and time alone she may need. This outreach would be a form of limited contact. I would do it sooner, rather than later. Most likely, it will be received positively. If not, no worries. The gesture is 1st class.
I will write the note in the bottle in a few days. 2-3 days after we return.
There are not many options for delivering the bottle. I could leave it on the windscreen of her car but I am worried she might perceive it as invasion of her privacy.
I will include the appreciation for all she has been as well as the support and positive words for her exams. I will also take your advice and let her know I am respecting and supporting her decision for privacy and time alone.
Should I add an “I miss you” or do you think that is too much at this point. And can I include a rose?
Packaging creates lasting 1st impressions. Place it in box or carton that is often used for wine bottles. Mail it by Express Mail. I would not say I miss you or anything like that. It is probably too soon for a rose. Brevity is best. The classiness of the act speaks for itself.
Great, thank you so much!
Oh…one other thing. Use a nice paper stock and make the note handwritten. Roll it up and put a nice, simple little ribbon tie on it. Place it in the bottin in such a way that it is not difficult to get out. You might have to practice with a few rolls of paper to see how it works. Then cork the bottle and wrap it in paper wrap or something so she has to work to get to it. Women love little surprises and enjoy working to discover what it might be.
I did a very nice package and had it delivered today. I am not sure it will work but I wanted to tell you I felt nice doing this.
I guess I have to wait and see if anything or nothing happens now.
Thank you so much for your support.
I had a nice package delivered to her office today. I hope it touches her emotions in a positive way. I don’t know if it will work but I wanted to tell you I felt nice doing it.
I think I have to wait and see if I get any reaction. I don’t think there is anything else I can do at the moment.
Thank you so much for your support. I will always be grateful and if this works and my marriage is saved I guess a large part will be because of this.
Have you had any response to your “message in a bottle”?
I face a similar situation – well, similar yet different! Married 20 years and my husband recently left and took a job in another country – his home country. I thought we were going to continue seeing each other (even though the last couple of years have been extremely difficult for us.). But now it seems that he’s moved on in his life and has no further need for me or his daughter, who is 13.
We can’t move to be with him (not that he asked us) because I can’t speak the language & work there and our daughter’s education will be too badly affected.
I’ve gone “no contact” as a method of self- preservation. Perhaps it’s driving a wedge but I felt like I was just sitting waiting for the phone to ring or a text to arrive! I also collapsed. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t phoning or texting us. I knew he must be busy but to say nothing too us when he’d left the country just seemed so cruel.
He’s living back with his family and they never particularly liked me anyway, so I believe my fight is as good as lost.
I still cannot believe this has happened. We used to be so happy together.
So, this message is just to wish you well and send us both strength to get this.
Hopefully things will get easier as time passes.
I hope your message was well received.
And to mymarriagehelper.com. Thanks for the really great website. So much good information on here.
Today she called me, i
We spoke for 2 hours. We talked about what happened to us and she told told me 2-3 times she will not come back. But I feel that she was trying to communicate and she is now softer and leaves me hope. I know her and I understand she did not mean it. She was trying to communicate. Does the fact that we talked for 2 hours indicate something?
Anyway, I persuaded my daughter to spend time with her today and plan to contact her again In a week.
I agree that is a positive development. Perhaps she feels at this time that she does not wish to come back. Perhaps she is uncertain. Whichever the case, I suggest you just take things slow. Respect her feelings at this time. They can change. Time has a way of unwinding the emotions.
Should I call her like once a week to ask how she is doing and show her kindness?
Maybe check in with her by text once a week. But make it irregular. Maybe let a few weeks go by. The idea is you want her to eventually reach out. And if she does, take it real slow. Make no demands of her. Sometimes these things take time.
Thank you, I intend to do that. Last night her best friend who lives abroad contacted me to tell me she told her and that she would do her best to bring us back together. She told me that my wife said she needs some time alone and that she knows I want her back and that she thinks there is definitely hope.
I will send her a weekly text and in 3 weeks ( a week ahead of my daughters birthday) I will ask her to consider if she loves me enough to help me make the best birthday present to our baby, to have her father and mother with her for her birthday.
Best of luck to you Nicos! That is a nice idea about collaborating on a birthday present.