Today we are going to hear from Jim who is clearly having some ex-wife problems.  He seems convinced that his ex-wife is determined to break up a new relationship he has with a woman he met at work and eventually plans to marry.

He feels like he is in a toxic, no win marriage.

Is he paranoid about his wife’s desire to destroy his life?  Could he be exaggerating about some of his ex wife’s antics?

Or does he have a point?  Has his ex decided to make him miserable out of spite? Is there something he can do to get his ex wife off his case?

not feeling strong

Well, we are going to take a look at all that as well as  how things ultimately worked out.

You will discover that getting closure is not always an easy thing to achieve, particularly after a contentious breakup.  And while he failed in coming up with his own solution on mending the fence with his ex-wife, something else happened that brought some hope to his life.

So let’s get started with Jim’s tale as told by the man himself….

My ex-wife and I broke up some time ago.  It has been rough going ever since.  She is convinced I dumped her and ran out of the marriage.  It is more like I was trying to escape.

I am convinced my ex-wife is trying to destroy my life and my relationship with a new woman I have met.  I plan to marry this new lady and all hell is starting to break loose simply because my ex is jealous and spiteful.

I Just Want To Move On

I never though this woman, I once loved dearly, could be so vicious. Look, I am no angel, but I don’t think I am the bad guy here.

To say that my ex is livid about me moving on, is an understatment.  The woman just won’t let go of the past and apparently she won’t let me go either.

I am not quite sure what to do about this.  She seems intent in tormenting me and wrecking my new relationship.  The lady I met and have fallen in love with is a decent woman and doesn’t deserve this.

Let me tell you, my ex-wife knows all the tricks on how to ruin a guy’s life.  Perhaps I am sounding bitter but sometimes relationships don’t work out and I just want her to accept this and move on.

She doesn’t really need me.  She is financially stable and can stand on her own feet.

This whole thing with my ex is messing with my new girlfriend’s head.  I can tell my girlfriend is getting thoughts of bailing because of all the drama.

I think my new girlfriend’s perspective about this triangle we find ourselves in is that it is fast becoming a real crap show.  All she thinks about right now is how to deal with her soon to be husband’s ex-wife.  I am afraid I am losing her with all the crap going on.

How My Marriage is Tumbling Down

my marriage is messed up big time

In the beginning of our marriage I was living in the dark.  I was denying what was plainly clear to me if only I would look.  The problem is my ex-wife is a a control freak.

Everything has to revolve around her and when it doesn’t she pitches a fit.  That is one of the problems that led us to come to hate each other.  I know I shouldn’t say that, because hating your ex-wife is no way to live.  But the crap she is  creating for me and my girlfriend is messing with both of our heads

Now my new girlfriend is stuck with a guy who can’t seem to rid himself of his old relationship, with reminders of it every day.

I know that can’t be a healthy way to get a new marriage off the ground.   We haven’t even talked serioulsy about dates and I think it’s because my ex wife’s insertion into our lives.

I am at lost at how to address these toxic ex wife issues.  I have read that when this sort of thing goes on and on, it can take on the form of what is called toxic ex-wife syndrome.

Recovering From Toxic Relationships

This is when your ex-wife emotional boundaries become stretched so far and wide, she feels she has a right to make life hell for you.  She obsesses over you and everything you do and inserts herself into your life long after you have ended things with her.   To make matters worse,  one’s wife can damage or ruin relationships you try to form with other women.

This is what was what was going on in my life.

My ex-wife was showing up at my place uninvited and insisting there are things we need to work out.  How one goes about dealing with an ex-wife who thinks she has a ticket to walk right into your home and then just start carrying on about everything on her mind?

On some of these occasions, my lady friend was with me and it would get awkward quickly.  My girlfriend would leave, feeling confused and uncomfortable that she is in the middle of something.  My former wife would act like I invited her and just carry on like everything was fine between us.

Later I would explain to my girlfriend what was really going on and she would accept it, but I know there are some trust issues now which is what my ex wanted to create.

I simply didn’t have the patience or emotional energy to deal with my ex-wife’s games and all the problems she brings into my life.

wife playing with my head

She can get hysterical to the point where I really worry about her sanity.  Then she can get angry and strike out at me and my new girlfriend, hoping to split us apart.

At first it didn’t work.  My new girlfriend is a real gem and super understanding, but she also a sensitive type and I know this was taking a toll on her.  I confess, it was also getting to me.

So all this stuff my ex-wife was pulling  weighed heavily on both me and my new woman.  She didn’t invite this kind of chaos into her life.  I am pretty sure she would not have chosen to be with me had she known my wife was wired this way.  She often told me I married a witch.

That what Peggy (my girlfriend) called her.

Things really got out of hand when my ex-wife took new aim at sabotaging my relationship with Peggy and started sending personal communications directly to  her.

They were threatening or anything like that.  But should would act like there was a minor emergency and needed to contact me or she would try to start a conversation.  Or should would leave an unintelligible text meant to confuse her.

Of course, I really freaked out when I heard this was happening and confronted my ex and the whole episode turned into an ugly mess full of lies and denial.

So how to you deal with an ex-wife who is so desperate and resentful, they are willing to hurt you by attacking your girlfriend?

Why won’t some people just let go.  She has known for months I wanted a divorce and agreed it was best.  But her actions are not consistent with what she previously said.

There is not a day that goes by when Peggy insists that my ex-wife is not just trying to ruin our relationship but really needs psychological help.

But I worry about the toll all this is taking on all of us.

Just the other day Peggy was telling me she finds herself constantly anxious.

My former wife likes to create public scenes that makes everyone uncomfortable.  She showed up at my girlfriend’s kids baseball game, knowing I would be there so she could talk “finances”, but nothing of the sort happened.  She just impulsively decided to drop in on us.   Then she used the opportunity to get angry about me doing things with Peggy that I had not done with her.

She just won’t let go and what makes this tough for me is I know I contributed to some of what is happening now.

I convinced her just before we got married that I would aways be there for her.  She was head strong in some ways, but also needy and often need assurances.  It made me feel good to know that I could look out for someone and be their rock.  I must have told her a thousand times I would never leave her.  She was always looking for reassurances and I happily provided them to her.

So I guess she become emotionally reliant and dependent on me. At least there was too much of that happening.  I know now that was not a healthy relationship.   No one person should have to completely depend on another for their fulfillment.  I mean bad things can  happen to any of us, but we have to be able to bounce back.

I guess it would be fair to say my ex-wife is a clinger.  I help create that.  But clinging to the past that is no more is not healthy.  I told her this a thousand times but it doesn’t seem to make a dent.  She was in denial.  Still is.

So my ex-wife struggled with much of that and now it seems she lives with anger and resentment.  She is going out of her way to take it out on me.

With my new girlfriend entering the picture, her anger has just ramped up.  I have told her she need to move forward without me.  I want her to be happy for me and I want to feel she is going to be OK.  But right now, none of those things are happening.

How To Deal With a Vindictive Ex Wife

getting flattened out by my wife

I thought when I first got married, things would all work out.  But they didn’t.  We had serious problems and after about 18 months I was miserable.  I felt like I had been run over.

I couldn’t give her what she wanted.  I would get upset because I felt like I had to constantly butter her up and satisfy her huge ego needs.  She was both insecure, but expected to get everything her way.  It’s hard to live this way.

At first I was shocked when she acted like this, but later came to learn this was her way of getting attention.  So there was often a lot of friction and false accusations and just way too much drama.  She suffers from a mild case of being bipolar and her mood swings and impulsivity has not helped our marriage

Sometime I can’t handle it and would disappear for a few days to blow off steam and just get away from her.  That just made things worse because it fed into her insecurity that I didn’t love her.

After a while the relationship just got confusing.  I wasn’t sure I loved her the way I should.  I was looking for ways to escape.  I was unhappy.  I know she was miserable because she was picking up on my behavior.  We went through a period where neither of us had sex.  I suspected that she had some flings that didn’t work out.  She was sexually aggressive when I met her, so that wouldn’t surprise me.  And by this time, I didn’t care anymore.

To make a long story short, I met a new co-worker and we started getting close and a love affair unfolded.  I thought it was time for a clean break and told my wife I wanted to separate.

All of that was hard and there were tears and anger and uncertainty on both sides.  A real emotional roller coaster.  But after a week, I was out of the house trying out my new situation.  Of course she came to learn about me dating another woman and didn’t take it well.

I don’t think people really know what it’s like to have a vindictive ex partner.  I try not to get pulled into the mess, but sometimes her antics at trying to destroy my life is too much to take and I say things I regret later.

She tells me I am a narcissistic, selfish ex husband.  In my mind, I am just trying to survive and move on and she is the one that the whole world must revolve around.

She constantly needs to be reassured and thinks she knows everything about my new relationship and how it is going to fail.  She is so self-absorbed and jealous, I don’t think there is a kind bone in her.

A spiteful ex-wife is the last thing I thought I would be dealing with when I first got married.  I knew she was a handful when we got married and stupid me thought her ways would bring some zest to our marriage.

While there was some of that, it’s not been worth it.  I felt like she was suffocating me and  I had to get out.  But that move has triggered the full force of her anger and hostility.

How Did I Get My New Life and Marriage Back

happy times with my new girlfriend

I thought I would never get past this hole I was in.  I had left my wife and found another women.

My ex-wife was livid with me for not trying hard enough, but I was convinced I did what any reasonable guy would do in my situation and when I saw that we were so poorly matched on so many levels, I bailed.

But I didn’t start-up an affair until after we were separated.

Unfortunately, while I was willing to move on, my ex-wife wouldn’t let me go.  I am pretty sure she didn’t want me back in her life given the things she said to me while were separated, but when she found out that I was falling for another woman, it was as if a switch went off.

So for a few months it was hell.

What may have finally brought some closure was something I never expected would happen.  My new girlfriend was freaking out a lot because of all the friction my ex and I were experiencing.  She eventually decided not to see me anymore.  She moved out.  She knew I was not going back to my wife, but she said she didn’t want to be with me until I resolved the issues I had with my wife.

Then she did something unbelievable.   She called my ex-wife and spoke to her a long time.  She told her that she love me but was unhappy being with me due to the chaos and therefore did not want to be part of something that was unfinished and was broken.  She was referring to my old relationship with my ex.

My girlfriend told my ex-wife that she told me that I needed to bring final closure to my previous marriage and it was unfair to my ex to leave her hanging with uncertainty.  I had been dragging my feet on going through with the divorce, not because I wanted to go back to my wife but I just didn’t want to deal with the hassle.  But apparently, that may have had the effect of giving my wife false hope or so my girlfriend thought.

My girlfriend told my ex that if she truly wanted me back in her life, she needed to learn to forgive me and herself for the mistakes  made in the marriage.  She encouraged my ex-wife to meet with me to discuss bringing final closure.  Closure would be either reconciling and getting counseling or agreeing to get divorced so both parties can move forward.

Somehow, she convinced my ex-wife that nothing was going to improve for all parties involved so long as everyone lived in this uncertain relationship situation.

She explained that what would be best is either make a clear break from each other, ending communication so both could heal; or we should try to make the marriage work somehow.

As it turned out, my ex-wife had no intention of ever getting back with me again.  She was impressed that this other woman had deferred to her to take control of the situation.  I guess that fed into her ego and sense of controlling everything.

As it turned out,  my ex was  getting tired of toying with my efforts to rebuild my life.   While I don’t think she was ready to forgive, she seemed to know that carrying on like this was damaging.  It evidently was becoming too much of an emotional drag on her.

After some heart to heart discussion, we agreed to pursue divorce and limit our contact to just the necessary things.  She even told me she liked my girlfriend and could not understand why she fell for me, but hoped it would work out for her.

The she told me not to do to my girlfriend what I did to her because she didn’t deserve that.  I just kept my mouth shut.

Obviously, I didn’t agree with her premise, but I sure was not going to rock the boat.

So things are looking up.

I feel like I have a life plan.  My new girlfriend and I are cooling it for a while until my wife and I finalize the terms of our divorce.  We do see each other, but have not moved in together.

My first marriage is not what I thought it would be.  Maybe I am not good at getting it out the first time around.  But I learned a lot.

For those of you contemplating it, be sure to know your partner inside and out.  Live together for a spell.  Make sure you can tolerate each other’s weaknesses. It helps to have common values.  Don’t carry grudges and get over your fights.  Don’t let them linger as they will poison your relationship.


How likely is your marriage to succeed?

Facebook Twitter Pinterest

One response to “My Ex Wife Is Trying To Destroy My Life and Marriage

  1. She is not your ex-wife. She is your wife. It sounds like you are making excuses for your affair. You were still living with your WIFE when you started seeing this other woman and it sounds like you want strangers to vindicate what you are doing is ok. Your marriage did not end before you started a new relationship. It’s called an emotional affair which then became a full blown affair. That is not a healthy way to start a new relationship nor sustain one.