It is an awful feeling when you realize that the man you love…the guy you married who you once felt you could not do without…has told you that he is moving on.
In his mind he may be thinking he is going on to bigger and better things. He is free, he thinks. The handcuffs are off and his adventures are about to begin. Of course in many of these cases, the husband who seems so eager to leave, truly has no idea what he is getting himself into.
In your mind, you are probably wanting to crucify him. How dare he stab you in the back like that….just announcing that he is through with the marriage and is moving on.
Indeed, if you are like most of the women I consult with, you are probably incensed that your husband who you once trusted like no other human being, has decided to walk out of your life.
Talk about taking things to the limit.
Usually, when a man packs his stuff and walks out of a marriage, things are gone really bad. It can unbelievable when a husband deserts you. I also explore this topic in the following post….
The who, what, when, where, and why questions….these queries will haunt you if you let them.
But that is not always the case.
Sometimes everything fits together very quickly and you understand why they are leaving you.
Sometimes we get these guys that care little for how their actions impact you and all of things the two of you established in this world.
They just do it because of some impulsive reaction that reaches out and pulls them away from you.
Then there are those guys that have just thrown up their hands, giving up on the marriage, wanting nothing more to do with it. They are not willing to do the hard work it takes to make a marriage successful.
Maybe such men weren’t marriage material to begin with.
Maybe they have some other woman on the side and were just looking for a reason to escape.
Sometimes it is never really clear.
We are left wondering what happened and how we are to pick up all the pieces of the relationship strewn all about.
If I was to count all the “ifs and maybes” women have shared with me, they would number in the double digits and if we swept them all up and tried to make some sense of them, we would be left with a heaping pile of trash.
Whatever it was that caused your marriage break apart and meet its untimely end, you are unlikely to solve in your mind in the days to come. So don’t try.
It will prolong your agony.
Whatever happened that resulted in you and your husband parting ways…just know that you are not alone.
This mini tragedy has befallen others.
You will come out of all this chaos intact.
And who knows….you might just discover a big truth about both yourself and your estranged husband which could positively change the course of your life.
I Am Hurting So Much Since My Husband Left Me
I realize that in the beginning part of your mindset could be possessed by the thought of: “I want my husband back”.
So what will come of your future?
This is the other thought you are probably obsessed with.
For the last many years, you and you husband were an inseparable couple. You did everything together. Your routine were set and your were part of something larger than just yourself. You were part of a union made up of two people. And it probably felt good much of the time.
So you can’t help but think back to all the good times. Your remember all those sweet moments. You remember your dreams of the future with your husband. You remember how happy you both seemed to be not that long ago.
This is how our minds work. We remember the good stuff.
But we also can spend out time remembering the bad stuff and replaying it over and over again, becoming more angry, then more depressed.
Just know that is is normal to be prone to waves of anger and resentment.
“How dare he tell you its over?“, you will think.
“What did you do deserve such treatment?“, you will ask yourself repeatedly.
Why would your husband blame all the troubles of the marriage solely on you and walk out of your life like it was all your fault?
You think that no one deserves to be pushed aside and left behind like that. And you are right.
If you husband acts in such a manner, then something is terribly wrong.
If the relationship between you and your man has disintegrated to such a point that he walks out of your life with little explanation, something is going on and you will eventually want to get to the bottom of it.
This is such a tough situation when a husband abandons his wife. There are undoubtedly so many questions you will have.
If your husband has walked out on you, you also might be wondering, “what are my rights?”
What if you are married with children?
You may be thinking, “my husband walked out on me and the kids and I need to protect myself.”
You will wonder what you are entitled to.
All the while you will be thinking how it is unimaginable that he would leave you and the kids, wondering what kind of man would do such a thing.
What if you have a little baby and the guy your are married to decides he has had enough and wants out of the marriage?
In my book, that is the ultimate form of selfishness and cruelty
Sometimes with your husband walking out of your life, he will not want to talk which usually compounds the situation because you probably won’t fully understand the what and why of everything.
Perhaps there was an argument and he decided to leave and walk out in a big puff.
Perhaps he is emotionally insecure or unstable and can’t be relied on to participate in a full life with another woman
Whatever it is, I understand well how this sort of outcome has stretched you in every which way.
Again, let me remind you that the pain you feel searing through your heart and body is not everlasting.
And the more you hear this and convince yourself that it is true, the sooner you will get over the cruel act of your husband.
The sooner you will be able to start looking at the bigger picture of your relationship and decide if you should strike out in a different direction.
Here is a list of reactions I have received from women whose husbands decided to give up on the marriage. It is important you realize that such sadness can enter into other people’s lives, yet they all came out of it. They all survived and are in a better place emotionally and relationship wise.
“I wept for days when he left me. I did not see it coming. I guess I was in my own shell thinking a certain way about our marriage, while all along he had other things in his mind. When he told me to my face we were through, I didn’t believe it. Now I just want my husband back. I don’t know what comes next. Should I think of separation steps? I don’t want that. Part of me thinks he doesn’t want that either. How do I get my husband after after all this? This whole thing is crushing me.”
“It was an unbelievable day. I awaken and get all the kids to school. My husband is lurking around like he wants to talk to me. Then it happens. He says he wants to separate. He says the problems we have been undergoing are too great to solve. I am not buying any of this since it just comes out of nowhere. We haven’t fought in weeks. Then this happens. He is acting impulsively. I know it. Should I just let him go? Should I just let the separation thing happen without pushing back. Part of me thinks my husband will come back after the separation phase. But my inner demons are taking over. Has he fallen out of love with me? How do you make your husband fall in love with you again after separation talk? How do I make my husband come back home after all this? I am so confused and don’t even know where to start.”
I am sitting here thinking that I am a lucky woman. My husband left me for an old girlfriend. I should have seen it coming. She has been popping up in places and he has been acting way too weird about it. Looking back, now I see that my husband has been conspiring behind the scenes. I say good riddance. I use to spend my entire day thinking about how to get my husband back from this other woman who has ruined my life. Now I realize that his cheating ways were a godsend to me. This other woman my husband has been carrying on with has actually saved my life. He tried to hide it and I think he was planning on carrying on with her indefinitely. But I finally came to my senses and have told him it’s over. This cheating he did on me is the most disloyal act a husband can commit. For women out there wondering about how to get your husband to move back home after an affair, I say forget it. Kick him out and let him learn his lesson that his fairy tale on how his life will work out is so full of crap.”
How Do You Cope After Your Husband Walks Out of Your Marriage?
When the dark clouds of a marriage gone awry hangs over your life, everything seems upside down.
All the things you use to take for granted has changed. Your daily routines change. Your sense of who you are and where your life is headed becomes clouded.
No doubt we could talk all day about the plethora of twisted feelings you are undergoing.
But there is no need for you to relive your pain.
Its there and it won’t go away any time real soon unless you act.
The pain of being left behind…being sold out by your husband will go away.
You have the capacity to rise above all of this.
Start first by making it clear to your husband, in the event it is not, that he is not welcomed back given his destructive, irresponsible behavior.
He chose to walk out on you. That is a blow to the marriage.
He crossed a sacred marriage red line.
So if your husband later changes his mind after a few days upon reality hitting him square in the face, do let him wiggle his way back into your life to soon, if at all.
I am not saying the marriage is completely over and the two of you will never be together again.
I am saying that take the time you have with yourself and get to know you, again.
What You Shouldn’t Do If Your Husband Walks
What I am saying is that in the days and weeks following your husband walking out of the relationship, he needs to understand clearly that what he has done is a serious breach of trust and that if there is to be any healing of the wound, it needs to occur over time, on your terms.
Don’t beg for your husband to return back to the marriage.
Don’t plead with your husband to stay.
Don’t call or text your husband asking to meet up with him to discuss his decision to leave you in the early days or weeks.
Don’t do any of those things in the immediate days following your husband’s departure.
Remember, he quit the relationship.
His act is indefensible, so don’t give him any avenues to try to change your mind about your time for independence.
Nor should you subject yourself to any potential verbal abuse he might throw your way.
So for the immediate future, close off the communications lines where it is practical.
When someone you love walks away, it is time to utilize a No Contact Period.
It is best for you and your husband.
You will need time to re-evaluate everything that is important to you and you shouldn’t trust your own judgement in those early days.
Just Because Your Husband Walked Out Doesn’t Mean You Have To Quit Living
Stay engaged in life.
Meet and make new friends.
Focus on being the best version of everything you love about yourself.
Surround yourself with friends that can support you.
Get outside and do things outside. Sunshine and nature can do incredibly positive things for your attitude and mood.
Give yourself weeks to recover before you give any serious thought about what your plans for the future might be.
Of course, how a marriage can unravel and come apart differs for every couple.
The varying complexity in a couples’ history and how they interact can also influence in different ways how they may come back together again.
Some couples have a tempestuous relationship and walking away from each other is not unheard of.
The husband and wife may still be very much in love with each other, but for whatever reason, one of them decides to upend the marriage.
I have written elsewhere on this site about things you can do to get your husband back if you are still of a mind to pursue that aim.
But for now, remember, what is important is avoiding trying to get all the answers or come up with all the solutions to what has happened and what you should do about it.
Remember the law of little steps.
When something big happens to you that abruptly upsets your life, don’t take any large steps….make big or grand decisions.
Allow yourself time to recover and think rationally.
And realize that getting to truly know your own feelings about important matters usually takes longer than you might think when it involves a big relationship breakup situation.
44 responses to “My Husband Walked Out: Will He Ever Come Back To Me”
My husband left me for another woman. He still says he’s unsure of what he wants and yet seems completely devoted to her. It’s so hard to get over the betrayal and being abandoned and yet being told there might still be a chance. I don’t know how to stop looking for answers or at least wanting to feel like our history mattered. It literally feels like he dropped everything over night.
I am very sorry for your pain. I know you will find ways to channel that negative energy into positive things. It will help you gain some sense of normalcy. My advice is try not to beat yourself up seeking answers. It is not anything you did that was wrong. It was your husband’s choice to break his vow to you. There could be a million reasons for why he acted as he did. Whatever it is, what matters most is you beginning your healing process. He seems like he wants to keep the door slightly open to return to you if it is to his advantage. That’s his terms it would seem. I think you should move forward on your terms. You should read my article on utilizing the No Contact principle. You can conduct a search on this website. It might be a good solution for your case and it will certainly help you with focusing on your needs. At the same time, it may cause him to realize how much he has invested in you and that he can potentially lose you forever.
Yes, your history matters a lot and that might be what turns things around in the future if you later decide you will have him back.
Since you can’t be sure that things will come back together for the two of you, you should proceed with a pragmatic view of life. You seem like a lovely person and there are certainly other potential men out there that you may choose to share your life with. Not that is what you want now or maybe even in the near future. But you should prepare to carry on in life surrounding yourself with people you love. And remember….you hold the high moral ground. You honored your commitment. You have demonstrated that you are loyal and caring and I am sure many other things, so you have a lot to offer. Hold yourself up. Be proud of who you are. It serves you and those who you wish to attract.
Thank you Chris. We are no contact right now and I know he’s still in contact with the OW. I know I just have to focus on myself but I just keep constantly thinking about how he left me for someone “lower” for lack of better words. And I say that because she has had trouble with the law and even a record and I just can’t believe he’d want to be with that instead. It’s kind baffling and even though I shouldn’t want to be with him, all I keep questioning is why he’d want that kind of life instead. I’m trying my best to distract myself all the time. I’ll come back to you answer again as my reminder. Thanks again.
I understand Lg. Some men can do some really stupid things that really have little bearing on what is in their best interest. While it is in your best interest to assume that he may not ever come back to you and focus on becoming the best version of yourself, I don’t think the final chapters have been written yet with your relationship with your husband.
after 27 years I am in your same boat. How did you get threw it?
Hi there. My partner left me after 9 years when I was 29 weeks with our second child. The past year he’d been living away and me and our eldest child(aged 6) every weekend and things were great. We were counting down the days for him to return after the year. A month before he was going to return we had a silly little argument by text where he said he was done. Every weekend where he popped through to see his child I tried to get answers. I tried the usual pathetic texting etc. He had told me that I was controlling, clingy and manipulative and said that he was forced into having this second child. I told him he had no right coming back to the house now and he moved in with his brother.
Fast forward around 12 weeks to the present and our second child is now 2 weeks old. I let him be there for the birth and also let him stay at the house for baby’s first 2 weeks. Although he has been good in terms of letting me rest etc he has completely changed. He is still very reserved with me, the 2 weeks he’d been here he’s gone out 5 times. I spoke to him tonight and said it’s time for him to go back to his brother’s home. He said that he will and asked if Im happy etc … I said I’m fine. I spoke pleasantly and didn’t let on how I truly felt. I know he feels guilty for leaving … Especially the time where I needed him most…pregnant. But I feel that he really has no desire now or ever to be with me again. In the weeks he’d been gone I’ve thrown myself into meeting friends, family etc putting myself first for once.
He said a few weeks back to a mutual friend that he doesn’t “see me in that way anymore” and there’s “no connection”.
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that he’s gone for good. What advice would you give me?
Hi Louise….first of all, congratulations for having your baby. I think time will be the arbitrator in this situation. If he is truly thinking that he doesn’t feel the same way anymore and that there is “no connection”, time will tell whether he really knows himself and his feelings. People often say a great many foolish thing, particularly to other people when they are confused. They think they understand their true underlying feelings. Perhaps this relationship won’t work out. But I wouldn’t necessarily count it out.
I think you acted properly asking him to leave. It is not a healthy long term environment when a guy can’t make and standby a commitment. Hopefully time will allow him to see he has made a terrible mistake….that he was selfish. Meanwhile, you should go forward with focusing on your needs and the needs of your children.
You seem like a wonderful and loving woman. I have no doubt you will land on your feet. As painful as this feels right now, channel your thoughts and energy into something really beautiful….such as your new baby and the wonderful things you do with your 6 year old. Seek to be the best version of yourself. I am sure, whatever paths unfold before you, you will choose wisely. You will choose what best serves you and those you love.
Thank you very much for your reply and your congratulations regarding my new born.
Thank you 🙂
I’ve been channeling all of my energy and focus on my children … And am currently in the process of putting my recently earned degree into use!
My ex came over yesterday after work to see the little ones ..
And when we were alone he commented on my looks ( I’ve been making an effort with myself to make myself feel good 😉 ) . A few occasions now he’s been more complimentary and taking notice…he said last night I should go get rest and he will look after the new born and go when I wake up… But I politely refused and said this is part of the territory now and this is what I will do. He went quiet and I could tell this had affected him.
My children come first always … But there is part of me that wants to work on ways to perhaps rekindle in the future. Shall I just continue with the way I’ve been acting or would you advise something different?
Again thank you for your support and kind words I really appreciate it.
I think you are on a good path. I can see you have some really special qualities. Don’t forget, men want that which they can’t have. Its a form of psychological reactance (google it). You take away something that a guy perceived as something that was freely available to him, he will crave it more. Particularly if that which he desires is perceived as having value.
If you wish to rekindle the flame, find a balance of being that “Ungettable Girl” with an occasional kind compliment of your own. He will be slightly confused, but attraction will grow. And I am not referring to physical or emotional attraction, but also spiritual and intellectual attraction and admiration. Self reliance, kindness, and positivity are really big attractors.
I write about the “Ungettable Girl” at my other website, exboyfriendrecovery.com. Go visit the site. It has tons of articles and content that I think would be beneficial to you!
Thank you for your reply:)
I’ve read your piece on the UG and found it very interesting!
I’m going to apply your advice and see how it goes.
I was wondering if you have any advice with depression?
The ex has suffered depression quite bad the past few years, he recently told me that he stopped taking his medication and he is fine and doesn’t need them etc. I feel this is contributing to how he is being.
Im regards to face to face communication… It appears he has put up a shield again and can be quite cold … I don’t let that deter me though and I never bring up what has happened. I’m starting to think though that perhaps he is comfortable with the situation in terms of not feeling as guilty for how this situation came to light?
Why are guys so complicated?
Thanks again for your kind words and advice.
His behavior doesn’t sound like depression. It appears his actions/behavior is coming from a place of anger and uncertainty. I suspect though some of that anger is with himself. The thing about those types of feelings is that they need something to feed off of. So don’t give him anything to work with. Hopefully as times passes, he will come around to acting more himself.
Whatever happens, remember….you have choices in life and there are always many good paths that lie ahead.
What do you mean by not giving him things to work with regarding his feelings? Do you mean how I present myself when he is around?
He had brought up the subject of when can he start having our eldest and newborn stay with him nights. I didn’t show him how that made me feel but I just feel deep down this is a losing battle.
What I meant is maintain a positive and respectful demeanor around him. But you need not over do it in anyway. I think you agreeing to little steps of reconciliation is healthy. Though I am not sure if the newborn is old enough to stay with him overnite if he is not accustomed to all the routines. You would know that better than anyone. Perhaps there are other little favors he can do for you.
Thanks Chris .. Will take this advice on board.
He’s going out every opportunity he gets … As a person he has dramatically changed. This has been going since the last 3 and half months … Don’t you think this has gone past the stages of reconciliation now?
I’m starting to feel fed up of trying to be honest.
Hi Louise….one can never rule out reconciliation. Men sometimes get their heads filled up with thoughts that are not always that well centered. I think it takes longer for men to get in touch with their true feelings. But I can definitely understand your frustration and feelings of being fed up.
The future is often the truth machine for relationships.
Thank yo for your reply. I understand what you are saying.
Today I have had a sort of break through with his feelings regarding the breakdown of the relationship, which has taken over three months for him to do.
I had severe depression after the birth of my first child, where he had been fantastic in supporting me but not realising his own issues. This past year when he had been away he said he had not coped well with being alone and had been trapped in his mind, he also said that I had caused a huge amount of stress to him regarding the continuous problems I piled on him. He also said I had not been supportive over the years and all of his hard work was for us and not just for him (In my darker days, I realise now how selfish I had been as I had become extremely jealous that he was achieving his career whereas I was lost and bitter with my own path.)
He has also mentioned how emotionless he feels, and empty, and towards his own family too he feels disconnected from everyone and everything…and except for his children he has no feelings towards anyone. He seems lost, and depressed and angry too.
I finally understand the breakdown of the relationship now … but have no idea if I can help him and salvage/create a new relationship with him.
What can you advise with my approach now or do you feel that is something that simply cannot be salvaged?
After this talk, the conversations still pointed to a forever separation with him telling me he was going to move to his mother’s house and buy his own house a few years down the line…and that he will always care about me because I’m the mother of his children.
Bettering myself is what I have been doing, where I have been focusing on banishing the negative aura that I continuously brought.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Stay on your path of focusing on bettering yourself and banishing the negativity. It appears your husband is going through his own healing process. I think that is healthy and you hopefully you can both support each other’s journey to a better state of mind. Perhaps in the future the two of your will both be in a better place and will be able to join back together.
My husband left in May, saying he needed a break, I supported this, then he met the other woman. He has been living with her since June or July, I only found out they were a couple in August when I asked her – yes he brought her around me and our 2 kids. I am absolutely heartbroken, we have been married 9 years. This came out of the blue for me. She is 10 years older than him and I and has a 22 yr old daughter ( our kids are 8 and 4 yrs old). He was bringing her to our home in the summer when I was not home. Why do I still want him back? We don’t have any agreements for custody, child support, finances in place yet. We can’t seem to agree on anything. He doesn’t come around me unless he has her with him. How do I move on?
I think you should consider the No Contact Principle which I have written about here on the website. It is cruel for him to bring her with him to see you. Tell him that is a behavior you are no longer going to tolerate as it is emotionally painful for you as it would be for anyone. You will get through this. Our bodies produce serotonin (neurotransmitter) that causes mood swings and feelings of obsession over our ex after a breakup. But as time goes by, its impact on your mood and feelings will subside. Engage in healthy physical and emotional activities. Focus on becoming the best version of YOU. In time, you will discover that you have many options in life as to how and who you wish to spend it with.
We really don’t contact each other unless it has to do with the kids now and it is only through text messages. I don’t even know why I want him back, I just love him and want to continue on the journey we started together 12 years ago. We have been through so much and I thought we could continue to get through it all. Not have it end like this. I have asked him not to bring her around and he told me that I need to respect his decisions to have her around, she is important to him. But she isn’t the best with our kids – has no interest in them unless it suits her. The kids tell me she won’t play or do anything with them when they are over her house. We used to do everything together and now she has taken my place, but with no interest in the kids.
JH….there are better days ahead. Stick to what you know is right. Your heart may tell you one thing..but your mind should settle on what is best for you and the kids. You seem like a really good and decent person. Consider looking for another journey in life without him as a big part of your life. Emotionally, I know it tears you up to think this way, but pragmatically it probably a good thing to do. If his entire mindset changes in the future, you may wish to reconsider whether you wish to seek reconciliation. But don’t count on that.
My Husband walked out 2 months ago just after we had celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary we have been together 20 years. I was completely blindsided by this. Our marriage had not been great for the last couple of years due to some poor choices made by him but we had gotten through and from what I thought we had made a mutual agreement to start fresh with a move that was brought about by my career. Things had been stressful for the past year due to my new career, my taking care of my elderly father and life in general. But when the stress got the better of me I would always apologize and explain and he would always say “I know you Sweetheart and that’s what I am here for” and it seemed that this past year he had been more attentive. He was trying to show me he was sorry for the things he had brought upon the family prior. When he left I asked him if there was someone else and he said “No, I am just being selfish and am leaving for me.” After 16 days of begging, pleading and asking everyday if he was sure there wasn’t anyone else I found the phone bill. He had been texting another woman (a really, really good friend according to him) since November of last year. It started out a few times a month and increase of course up until he left. He even texted her on our wedding anniversary. I have since found out that they had been only friends ( something he knew I would not approve of such a thing nor would he) up until she found out that he was not seperated as she had ASSUMED and gave him an ultimatum the month he left. He choose that day to leave because she was having a bbq and said he could only come if he was single. They then became a “couple” 2 weeks after he left and just a couple days before I knew she even exsisted. He calls me and texts me everyday he says to “help me get through this and to answer any questions I have and to stay friends” He has cried and sobbed to me several times about how remorseful, sorry and full of guilt he is for the way he left and the pain he caused me. But yet he doesn’t want to try and give the marriage another chance. I refuse to file for divorce because I still love him more than anything and know that we are Soul Mates but yet he has made no move to file. She has told him she will not “make love” to him until he is single and hers….basically dangling the carrot. Can the no contact rule help me get him back??
It is certainly worth a try. Either No Contact or a form of limited contact. But let him know what you are doing and why. He should know you are focusing on your own healing and that you are working on being the best version of YOU. I am optimistic about your chances given the length of time together and the description you gave of your situation. His behavior indicates he has some regrets and is not completely certain of what he wants.
I have another website, my largest website, called http://www.ExBoyfriendRecover.com
It has a lot of articles in it as well that might be of help. It is meant for women going through breakups. I also have started a Private Facebook Support Group for women going through what you are experiencing. It has over 1000 women in it right now who help each other with advice. I usually will do a Facebook live webcast each week on various topics. You will find information about this Group on that website.
Also, I think you are right not to file for divorce. Your marriage is far from over, though clearly, trust will have to be rebuilt if the two of you resume the relationship and perhaps counseling would be beneficial going forward.
whats the facebook group called please? my husband left me 7 weeks ago and im struggling
Hi Vicky…It’s important to have a sensible ex-back game plan. I have developed a comprehensive Ex Recovery Program which gets into all of this. Our Private Facebook Support Group is bundled as part of that Program. You can learn more by clicking this link.
My husband hasn’t been home in 2weeks and has had no contact. We have been married for 1yr but together for 12yrs. Its difficult to bear the feelings as each day passes with unanswered questions. We had an argument over the phone (his friends phone As he forgot his phone at home prior to leaving the house while I was at work)about his actions and he just never came home. I know his ego and pride has a big part to play. With no forewarning am I to assume that this is the end ? Is he going to show up Just for his clothing? The unknown is tormenting me the most.
Hi Janine….I am very sorry you are going through such pain. Keep yourself engaged as well as you can. Sometimes doing something physical can help douse some of the painful emotions. It would be very very unusual for you never to hear from him again given that the two of you have 12 years of shared experiences.
Pride and ego can stand in one’s way and cause a person to be stupidly stubborn… but not forever. Perhaps there are mutual friends the two of you have than can give you some insight as to what is going on with him.
Hoping the best for you.
I am going through this , We have been together for 23 years married for 15 I got my husband talking to another woman on the Kik app he totally freaked out and moved out and said he wanted a divorce now is totally ignoring me what do I do I am so lon we have been together for 23 years married for 15 I got my husband talking to another woman on the Kik app he totally freaked out moved out and said he wanted a divorce now is totally ignoring me what do I do I am so lost .. together many years and he just walked away
Probably best to give this some time and space. When emotions run high, things can go south. Its seems he is overreacting. Consider implementing no contact rule if he doesn’t get his act together and open up lines of communication.
My husband left me almost a month ago; he walked out, with such anger, saying he didn’t want to be with me anymore, and that we can find better people to suit us. A little background: My husband and I have been married for 7 years, 9 months, and we have a lot in common and get along fairly well, but we have had our issues, especially over the past 4 years, ever since he got this new job. He has always been temperamental, and has often threatened me with leaving when he is angry/drunk or I do something that sets him off. His job has caused a lot of tension because he works very closely with a woman (text/calls/travel together all the time, communicate on weekends, etc.) He constantly made me feel like a second priority and it made me feel insecure. It would really bother me when he’d travel and only text once, twice a day. Since last July, when he really started to act like he didn’t care about me, I made a point to work on myself, in hopes of making him happy. I worked really hard at not being so bothered by his job; I became more patient and understanding, I tried being more extroverted since he claims he needs someone who is more social. He seemed to appreciate that for a while and called off the 10/15/18 ultimatum which he claimed he would leave me. Instead, we planned a spontaneous trip together to Mexico in September and had a wonderful time. Soon after we returned, he was starting to threaten me again, traveling/partying with hardly any communication. But whenever I go out with my colleagues, he always mentions my close male colleague and calls him my boyfriend and regularly says we’d be a good match together and that he likes me more than he should. Fast forward to October, we attend his mom’s wedding; I had a great time, enjoying myself with his family, and made a point to be more independent from him, which came naturally. That night, he was furious with me, saying he can’t wait to leave me, and that we’re over; he was drunk and I was just so surprised by his behavior. The next morning, he was very apologetic, said that everyone thinks I am so nice and that he doesn’t deserve me. He continues to be hot and cold through November/December, but mentions that once he gets his stock money at the end of January, he’ll feel comfortable leaving me because he’ll have money to give me. End of January comes, and his childhood friend visits, and stays with us at the last minute; I make the house immaculate for his arrival and play a good host. My husband wants me to join in on all their activities, which surprised me. The last night, we’re out, and I get roofied; my husband informs me that I tell his friend about how I have been sad and unhappy and I feel that my husband no longer loves me and puts his job and female co-worker first. My husband says that this was my truth serum and he ended up leaving me a few days after this happened. When he threatens me, I usually beg him to stay and he complies; this time, he leaves, and I practice the No Contact approach, hoping this will surprise him. After the first week of not hearing from him, he texts me, saying he needs some info about a bill; it was very impersonal. My friends advised me to ignore it since they believe it was a way for him to see if I would comply to his request. A few days later, he stops by the house when I am not home to get more of his clothes and belongings, but he randomly drops off a huge bag of dog food and treats (we have a dog together). I continue to avoid contacting him at the advice of friends and my therapist (my husband also sees the same therapist, or used to). Two weeks go by, and nothing, until yesterday; he texts me, asking when he can stop by this week to drop off/pick up things and pay the flood insurance on the house. I am cordial,, not friendly and just tell him Thursday. I will not be home, though, which I think he’s expecting me to be (I usually work from home). I don’t know if the No Contact method is having any effect on him or not. I want my husband back, but he needs to stop placing all his anger and blame on me. He can be so critical of my faults, and often says I need to grow a backbone and that I am worthless. I love him so much, and have tried to make him happy, but it seems like a lost cause. I miss how he used to be. I’m wondering if he really means this, or if my new behavior will have any effect on him. What should I do? I am trying to be strong, but I get so sad at times.
I think you are a very strong woman. It seems your husband is emotionally abusive at times and seems confused about what he really wants. The No Contact principle often gives people a chance to get in touch with their feelings and maybe he will realize that he risks losing you, despite his sometimes expressing that he wants to move on. Time will tell just how committed he is to modifying his behavior.
Its not likely you are going to be happy living this way. He needs to understand you no longer will tolerate his ugly verbal abuse. Alcohol and stress are not suitable excuses for frequent bad behavior. Perhaps he doesn’t want to change right now because he is confused about what is really important to him and its easy for people not to change – continuing to be a lesser version of their best selves. My view is its on him to turn the corner. You don’t have to carry this burden. You have your whole life ahead of you and many options available to you if he cannot commit to treating you with respect and dignity. I know you want him in your life and you want to be happy. But you don’t need him in your life to be happy. You are stuck in a cycle of his doing. Continue to focus on your needs and don’t settle for less than what you deserve. And frankly, you are only asking to be loved and treated with respect and consideration. That is not a big ask. If he can’t do that for you, then that speaks volumes.
Thank you, Chris – I greatly appreciate your reply and advice. I didn’t expect to hear that I was strong; it caught me by surprise, because I often don’t feel that way. If anything, I think my kind and forgiving nature enabled my husband’s poor and cruel behavior. I’m not one to reach out and post things about my personal life, but your articles are very informative and insightful; in fact, your “I Can’t Believe My Husband Deserted Me,” article was the reason I reached out to you. For years, I thought there was something so wrong with me. I am well aware I have flaws but I tried so hard to make my husband happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. I turned a blind eye to the lack of communication when he was traveling (he found my wanting communication to be controlling), forgave him for his verbal and very cruel emotional abuse. But the Deserted article that I mentioned, really resonated with me, almost felt like I had an epiphany. I wholeheartedly believe that he suffers from insecure emotional attachment; split between fearful-avoidant and dismissive avoidant. It explains why he thinks I am the problem because he doesn’t have to be as vulnerable or intimate with anyone else, so naturally, the way he feels, he thinks is due to me and by leaving me, he’ll feel better. It makes sense, too because his dad wasn’t around during his years as a baby until he was a little over 3. It wasn’t until his sister was born when his dad came around. He always said his dad was a a good father for about 10 years, but when he started to make a lot of money, his dad resorted back to his old behavior of doing drugs, cocaine, to be exact. He left the family and they lost everything. I know this had a profound effect on him because he used to talk to me about it during our early years together. He said I was what he needed; loyalty, consistency and dependability, but now, he doesn’t want it anymore. I think he is having his own crisis, similar to his dad’s which he always feared would happen, but I had faith in him that he would overcome that, but now, I think I was wrong. It ha. s been a little over a month, with hardly any contact from him except when he reaches out about bills. The No Contact period is not a healthy one because we didn’t establish boundaries or rules; I don’t even know where he lives now. I just decided I wouldn’t reach out since he seems to hate me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this; I feel like my life is on hold, and I have no idea how he is feeling, or if he will leave me permanently. I don’t even know at this point if my not contacting him is making things better or worse, given this unique situation.
Your strong Stephanie because you can open up and confront the realities of what is going in your life. You are strong because you are here, seeking insights. None of the situations I usually hear about are easy to resolve and that is true partly because people have many layers of complicated feelings and strengths and weaknesses and all the rest. Hence clashes occur and the solution is seldom doing one or two things. But along the way, some of us forget to live and embrace the beauty of the moment and the prospects of the future.
I understand there is uncertainty in your life right now, but that will always be the case for all of our lives with regard to all kinds of things. The best we can do is try and proceed in a rational manner to make things better for ourselves. He is not there for you now. Perhaps he never will be. Perhaps that is best. But you need not put your life on hold. Focus on those things that bring you peace and fulfillment. He knows how to reach you if he chooses to reach out. And you need welcome him back if you so choose. Knowing more as to what you really want for yourself will become clearer over time. But being happy should not depend on him. A philosopher, Jonathan Goethe, spoke of the present moment. He described it as a “powerful goddess”. Seek out personal contentment in the powerful goddess of the “present moment”. That is the place where you can get in touch with yourself…your needs. And focus on the the future things you wish do do. As those times will soon be your new “present moments”. Put the sadness of the past behind you. Take from it that which can to help yourself advance to happier tomorrows.
I know you can do this. It is more than a state of mind. It is about choosing which path you believe to be in your best interest taking in all that you know.
Hello, my husband and I will be married for 16 years this September 2018. We have been separated for a year and 6 months now. We had such a great marriage…not perfect but we hardly ever argued and did everything together. We were each other’s best friend. He has some mental and emotional issues from childhood and even just before we were married, he lost his only sister very tragically at a young age. Up until just before our 14th anniversary, trouble started brewing and I was scared and insecure of a friendship he had with a coworker, which I made the terrible mistake of acting out jealously and desperately. He then started acting very differently by drinking a lot and even now going out every so often with his new friends. We went to 3 or 4 unsuccessful counseling sessions. Here we are almost 2 years since my husband wanted to separate and it has been the worst nightmare ever. Just this week we ended up going on a short vacation together and to me things seemed OK, except for the fact that I noticed he went out of his way to not use any terms of endearment towards me, however, he was affectionate back if I initiated anything (hand holding, hug, etc). Then, the conversation that we have tried to have to no success came up on our road trip back home. This time he started it by asking me what my plans are if we don’t work out. He told me that he just can’t see how we can work. He said its been a year and a half and he is used to sleeping by himself and every time I brought up the idea of ways we could try, he pretty much shut them down with a reason it wouldn’t work. I said that we could try living together again and work on things realizing things would be different, but we could get to know each other now and work on moving forward, but he said he is afraid of it not working and then things between us will be completely damaged and we would never be able to speak to each other again. I was honest and said if it doesn’t work between us now, I don’t know if I could be friends because it would kill me to see him with someone else. He said it would kill him to see me with someone else too but he would want me to be with someone who would be good to me and give me the good things I deserve. During this conversation, we talked and we didn’t argue. We did have some tears. Never made a decision though. I hope and pray its not too late for us. I love him so much! I just want to tell him that but I know I shouldn’t so I don’t. I think that’s where I messed up in the beginning of our separation too. I was too desperate and pushy. I’m not sure what to think. I try not to think actually. I pray a lot! I’m putting my hope and trust in God. All Glory to God!
my husband and i have been married 21 years, he walked out, said it was cause he did not love me in that way, we had an emotionless marriage, but i found out there is someone else , according to phone calls he is all into her. he keeps saying he wants us to be friends, just friends i love my huband i was bad at showing it, i really want him back what can i do. he has been gone about 3 weeks from the house probably more from our marriage. i think he was on the fence then he chose her, what can i do. i dont want to just be friends.
Me and my husband had been married for 16 years we have children together. His ex has always tried to split us up and cause trouble but he always stayed, he Has always slagged her of and told me that he hated her. They were together when they were 18 for a year. He lost his job he got into bad debt and she treated him really badly, it broke him. Well, he’s walked out on me and the children to go back to her! I did everything for him, he went out, I stayed at home with the kids, I wanted to work he didn’t want that so I stayed at home. I made sure dinner was on the table for him every night after he came in from work, I really looked after him. He had a bad drink problem which I supported him through until he finally gave up. I just don’t understand it. I feel that I helped him through all of his dark stages, supported him through everything and he’s walked out on me just when things were getting better.
I hope someone will reply and help me. My husband of 5 years told me that he was no longer happy and he just did not want to be married anymore. He has since moved out, living in his mothers basement. We have a 4 year old son and he has a 13 year old daughter for whom I have raised since she was 6. I am so sad and confused. He stated that being married was wearing on him and he just needed to work on himself. Since he has been gone ( one month) I have not seen my step daughter, his stuff is still at our home and he acts so heartless and arrogant. My son cries asking when daddy is coming home? When is sissy coming home? It breaks my heart. When we met he had nothing. We bought our dream home, had a beautiful family and he just up and leaves. Will he regret this? How do I get over the anger? How can I move on from this bomb that was dropped on my family? PLEASE HELP!!!!
My fiance and I have had a rocky relationship recently but I would also say that when it’s good (which is 95% of the time) it’s amazing but when it’s bad, it’s toxic. I found out recently that 7 months ago, he attempted to line up a place to live as I was frequently kicking him out of the home. (I have since really gone out of my way to realize why I do this as a defense mechanism instead of dealing with the problems at hand). Anyway, I also recently found out that he had kept something hidden from me regarding an attempt his ex wife and mother of his child made to get back together with him. I became highly upset and turned to my old standby of kicking him out but not before asking him why he stayed here and he said he loves me. Please note that I told him that when I tell him to leave I NEVER mean it and what I’m really asking for is 30 mins of space. I now realize that was unfair of me to do as it’s difficult to determine that in the heat of the argument. Anyway, he left as requested and because he didn’t have use of the car, he didnt take his belongings. He basically left with the clothes on his back. He has refused any sort of meaningful contact with me and refuses to even talk to me to discuss HIS cat that he left that is dying of cancer. In fact, he refuses to even call the vet to authorize her euthanasia. He has everything here including anything his mother gave to him prior to passing away and things such as his baby pictures. He suffers from bipolar disorder and is unmedicated so he has been drinking a bottle of whiskey every night and then getting up and going to work. It has been one week today since he left and this is the longest we have ever gone without speaking in almost 10 years. I did go to his work several days ago and asked him to come at least talk. He seemed like he was almost going to but then at the last second changed his mind. He told me he has a place to live and is not being judged or told what to do. He said he can do whatever he wants (40years of age) and drink as much as he wants without any consequences. He also said he doesn’t want me to have the address. I still love him and while I realize that we are facing an uphill battle, I know there is a lot of love there still. I have no idea how to even proceed. I’ve stopped contacting him and am hoping he realizes that being roommates with a 21 year old coworker isn’t what’s gonna make him happy. I know we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and I’m focusing on that. Do you think this is irreparable? Will he even want his things?
Hi. I’m newly separated (well 2 months). He left after a Christmas golf him saying he doesn’t know how he feels anymore. That he has so much running through his mind. (He has got a lot of things going on that are causing him issues) he was distant with me. Telling me he lives me one minute then not sure the next. It all accumulated to him leaving start of January firstly saying he wants to find his way back to me, but thanks to me pushing and over emotional breakdown he says that it’s over for good saying that it’s because of my family. I have no real idea what the issue is, he says there is no-one else and maybe naively I believe him. The issue is I relied in him financially. I didn’t work due to severe anxiety and depression and so now I am having to start to claim benefits and me and the children also have to find a new home as we have to leave our rented house. I thought he wouldn’t have wanted it to go this far but he hasn’t budged. He’s living with his Mum and step dad and sees the children every other day. Seeing him was too hard so I asked if he didn’t come to the door. I have handled it all badly but have finally found a small bit of strength to stop fighting it. I wrote him a Little letter expressing this and apologising for my behaviour. I don’t want to let go of the hope there still a chance for us. Married for almost 8 years, together 12. I’m looking for advice as to whether I should just give up hope or still fight alone to try and save our marriage? He was always so proud of me and had put on a pedestal that I think I must have fell off at some point. Any advice is welcome.
My Husband left yesterday. He had his parents come move his bed and some things out. He told me we need time apart. We bicker a lot and he said he feels like I hate him and that him leaving is what he feels is best for both of us. We talked last night on the phone and he said he doesn’t want to end things and that he’s going to come back and talk with me tonight, but he’s currently in Indy with a friend of his who I know isn’t supportive of our marriage and he’s planning on staying out there until 9 and won’t be back until 11 because of the drive, so we probably won’t be able to talk tonight.. to be clear I’m 27F and he’s 30M and we’ve only been married 4 months… A lot of the time when we fight he says he’s done and starts to pack, but then we talk and he apologises and we clear up our miscommunications. Neither of us had healthy parents. Communication is really hard. I’m not sure what to do, I feel like this time he’s really gone and I don’t know how to get out of this divorce threat dance we’re trapped in.
My husband left me. We were together 7 years. 6 of which were amazing. Then I was diagnosed with MS and became depressed and angry at the world. Lots of fights and I took it out on him. He finally had enough and walked away. In the first 5 weeks I yelled at home for bailing, he went to a lawyer and packed up my stuff. I miss my best friend. My person. Can it be saved??
Hi Chris my husband left me 5!weeks ago we have had no contact except he contacts my daughter says he doesn’t want a divorce but the marriage is done and he’s never coming home he is enjoying life going out with friends and work colleagues which he never done when we were married will he ever come back there is no other woman involved
My husband broke our marriage came back 9 weeks later but he made it clear it’s for financial reasons only , we are starting to communicate more but only things in general, when he left he blamed it on having to bring our granddaughter up and now he’s saying we grew apart but I didn’t grow apart from him I love him much but he looks like it’s definitely over in he’s mind . How do I act while living together to try and bring h back to me
will my husband come back after leaving me for another woman post comment