When you were dating your spouse it is very likely that those early text messages contained loving phrases like:
It seemed like the two of you were on fire, with frequent messages going back and forth. Genuine affection and attraction ruled the day.
When the phone rang or signaled a text messaged had been received, you immediately leaped to grab it to check to see if it was from him or her.
Something happens along the journey of marriage such that the novelty of receiving that amazing text message from your loved one just wears away.
Must it be so?
You can definitely lift up the attraction and appeal in your marriage. In fact, I wrote a post that deals specifically with how one can become more appealing. Take a moment to check out some of the methods I recommend:
https://marriagerecovery.com/how-to-be-attractive-enticing-and-appealing-to-men-or-women/
How can you get the magic back?
Well, the easy answer to the question of what happened is “Married Life”.
Those times when you looked so forward to receiving those amazing text messages from your boyfriend or girlfriend seems like a blurry image of the past.
And quite frankly, it is not unusual for couples, after some time, to lose some of the spontaneity and fun that existed earlier.
Things were so fun and new when you were in the courting stage.
It’s normal for communication between the sexes to wane over time. The thrill of talking to and texting each other will naturally fall off.
But must it be so? What can be done to stem the tide or better yet, reverse the trend?
I think you know what I am going to say!
Ok…I will just say it and get it out there!
Texting between you and your spouse need not be a mundane and boring form of communication.
Texting between husband and wife need not be lacking in creativity and spontaneity.
But it takes effort to change some of those familiar routines you have grown comfortable with.
The Texting Bible for Married Couples
You see, I am something of an expert on this subject as I have authored an amazing and comprehensive E-book on the topic.
Really!
It’s called, “The Texting Bible”.
I wrote and published this little relationship texting masterpiece (Vanity check: I like to call my works, “masterpieces!) because I could not find anything out there in the marketplace quite like it.
Many of my clients would constantly ask me,
“Chris, what should I say in my text to my husband (or boyfriend, wife, girlfriend) to get their attention”
or
“How often should I text”
or
“How can I re-attract my Ex using text messages”.
I get hundreds of questions on many related texting relationship topics literally every day.
The thing people want is the magic bullet for how to arouse their spouse. If you are looking for ways to turn on your husband, I wrote about this in this article:
https://marriagerecovery.com/how-to-arouse-a-man-a-guide-for-women/
Let’s return to my conversation on the Texting Bible which is in itself a book on how to attract and arouse your mate.
Naturally, I realized that there was a void or a gap in the marketplace for a resource that teaches people how to strategically make use of texts to accomplish what they set out to do in their relationships.
So I created a resource that discusses in great detail (with tons of examples) the how, what, when, where, and why of texting tactics within a relationship or marriage.
Hence, “The Texting Bible” was born and is now utilized by thousands of men and woman seeking to make better use of texting as an effective communication and relationship building strategy.
That is how important I think the topic is to men and woman.
The Texting Landscape for Relationships
Before we dive into some of the lessons and tactics around how to more effectively make use of your texting, I think it is helpful to talk a bit about the trends we are seeing with regard to the use of text messages.
Now most of these things I am about to talk about are “trends” as they apply to couples today.
It does not mean you fit within these findings.
Your marriage or relationship with your significant other is truly unique…remember that.
No one marriage is alike.
But it is helpful to understand what is happening out there as it relates to the use of text messaging between couples.
You can learn to do more of something and less of something from the knowledge you gain.
And hopefully, by the time you are through reading my post, you will have gained a greater understanding of several things you can do to improve your marriage because you are going to walk away with some gems right out of my book, “The Texting Bible”.
There was a study that was published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy that revealed some very interesting insights about text messages and their application in relationships.
It revealed that 82% of husbands and wives (or boyfriends & girlfriends) will send each text messages many times a day.
Broadly speaking, if you are a younger couple, you send more.
If you are older, you send fewer.
Ok… nothing terribly surprising so far.
What was most surprising though was that researches concluded the more often a man would text his relationship partner, the weaker the relationship.
Likewise, a woman who texted their partner to say “I am sorry,” to address interpersonal problems or seeking to address relationship maintenance issues…. the lower their relationship quality.
Hence, frequent texting, particularly from a position of perceived weakness, is usually suggestive of erosion within the relationship.
On the other hand, when the texting topic focused on expressing affection and attraction, the relationship quality was considered higher.
Hence, the moral of this story is text less frequently and when you do, make the texts positive, interesting, and surprising, with a focus on attraction or affection.
The Evolution of Your Relationship Texts
When I think about marital spouses texting, I like to think of this form of communication as elevating the relationship.
But I am aware that as your marriages grows to be older, you are working against the tide somewhat in terms of making your texting communication stand out.
I think you know what I mean.
As a relationship matures, certain routines and habits take shape.
This natural phenomenon affects how husbands and wives communicate.
As time goes by, each of you just slide right into a set of behaviors that are comfortable and relatively boring, I am sorry to report!
So instead of making your texting communication personally interesting, spontaneous, and creative, they take on the form of drab, day to day efforts to “touch base”.
This behavior is best illustrated in a study performed by a data scientist named Alice Zhao.
After celebrating a marriage anniversary, she was compelled to analyze every single text she and her husband exchanged during the course of the relationship.
You may wonder, why on earth would anyone want to do this?
Well, because she is a data scientist, of course!
That is what they do!
Seriously though, I am really glad she peeled back the layers of her own relationship because it really shows how couples typically communicate over the course of their marriage.
And guess what, I am going to teach you how to buck the trends.
But first, let’s take a look at what is typical for most marriages when it comes to texting each other.
The Newlywed Texting Effect
What Alice Zhao showed with her research is that in those first early and exciting days of the relationship, couples exchanged text messages as if every moment between them was precious and golden.
They would check in with each other, often sending nice, little messages extolling their love and devotion to each other.
If one was to do a picture “wordgraph” of the messages going back and forth, it would consist of loving greetings and words like “Hey love”, or “OK, sweetie”.
I suppose we should give you Zhao’s actual “word graph” from when she first started dating her husband in 2008,
Of course, as a marriage progresses over the years, the “lovey dovey” messages morphed into status checks where the husband and wife are confirming plans and using words like “home” more often.
Alice Zhao found that names were used less often and that the dialogue turned more to texting discussions about dinner or traffic.
Check it out,
It is as if the polish and shine of a relationship will eventually wear off.
Before the couple realizes it, the texting communications end up dealing more with “keeping the peace” and confirming plans.
The word “love” was also used less often in the text messages the longer the couple was married.
“OK” became a more popular text word between the wife and husband as the couple worked through the logistics of life.
So if you are reading this and are not screaming out to yourself,
“Yesssss, that is exactly what is going on within our marriage!,” then I would love to interview you.
Because my experience is that the inertia of our married lives weigh heavily on most couples and one of the byproducts is that texting communications can become stale.
So how do we break the mold? I
mean, really, do you want your marriage to just become stale?
It will unless you take proactive action.
One of my 5 Essential Synergistic Principles to a Successful Marriage (which I write about at length here on my website) deals with “Revitalizing the Relationship”.
I don’t think you want just an average marriage or otherwise, you would not be here looking for answers to “spice” up your relationship.
You want your texts to stand for something special and I will show you how. In fact, if you want the full dose of training on how to accomplish this, then by all means go check out my ebook, “The Texting Bible”.
As I explained before, it was written specifically for people seeking to improve their relationship through the effective use of text messages.
Shift Your Paradigm in How To Use Texting in your Marriage
The most common question I get from clients on this topic is,
“How do I better utilize text messaging in my marriage?”
My response is that you need to undergo a paradigm shift in how you think about communications and texting.
Texting can enhance communication for many situations, both in a practical way and in very special ways.
I will teach you to focus your texting much more on “re-igniting the flame” or to say something very interesting or suprising.
Consider this your lucky day, because you will be getting some free content from my best selling ebook, “The Texting Bible”.
So why is it necessary to shift the texting paradigm?
Because too often, texting behavior in a relationship results in withdrawals and what you want to do is make deposits.
You might be wondering,
“What the heck is Chris talking about? What are these withdrawals he is referring to and what does he mean by deposits?”
I know…. language can be confusing, so let me break it down in case you haven’t read my other articles.
When I talk about a “withdrawal”, I am referring to behaviors and communication that tend to be negative and results in the relationship suffering.
You see, I think of relationships (and texting) as something measured by the totality of the things you say and do to and for each other.
And I think of all these things being captured within a “Relationship Trust Account”. Or we can call it a “relationship bank”.
Just like a real bank account, you goal is to build up a large, positive balance. The larger the balance, the more secure is your future.
When a withdrawal is made, your account grows smaller. When a deposit is made, the account grows larger.
So in a relationship, you want to do things (both you and your spouse) that will increase the value of your marital account.
What can go wrong with marriage and texting?
It turns out that a lot can go wrong and the end result is that their are often small withdrawals made over time.
After a while, the marriage will suffer.
We want to change that dynamic and to do so, we need to shift your paradigm…the way you normally looking at things and do things!
To better understand the kinds of problems couples experience when they text each other, let’s take a little tour.
As you know, I am really keen on helping my readers understand the nature of problems confronting marriages.
It’s good to have perspective. Only then are you best prepared and motivated to do something about your old, stale texting ways!
Typical Problems Couples Have With Texting
One of the things I see in my dealings with thousands of people bent on making drastic improvements in their relationships is that they do not have a very good grasp of the fundamental rules of texting.
Sure, most everyone knows how to text and some people are extraordinarily fast in churning out text messages.
But what is often lacking is a keen understanding of strategic principles that can aid you in keeping the relationship fresh and interesting.
The Timing and Length of Your Text Messages
Clicking in a relationship is all about timing, right?
That is probably mostly true in general and very true with regard to your spousal texting strategy.
Think about it.
When you receive a text from your husband or wife, would you rather it be during a time when you can actually read it without distraction.
Well, you may say that picking the right time of day to actually send a text is nearly impossible to predict with accuracy.
And you would be mostly right…but not completely.
“Less is More” As It Applies to Texting & Marriage
I couldn’t resist putting a “less is more” meme in.
What I want you to do when you text your spouse is to embrace the theory that “less is more.
The time to send a message is when you have not sent a message for a long while. When the message arrives, you want your marriage partner to think, “Wow, I just got a text from…”
You need to make the message count.
Here, here… let’s all rise up in unison and chant,
“Make it Count”!
“Make it Count”!
Ok, enough of that!
Seriously, what can run a marriage aground is when both husband and wife fail to realize that strategic texting is somewhat an art form.
It should not be overused and when used, the text messages to your significant other should be memorable and creative.
The “art” comes in making the message interesting, surprising, and creative.
The Future of Couples and Digital Communications
You realize, some day soon, texting will become just a passing fad.
I know…. that sounds almost blasphemous!
But futurists and technologists seem to think that texting as a form of communication will give way to other more personal and efficient ways of reaching out to your marriage partner.
What are those new ways of the future?
You are just going to have to wait for one of my future posts.
I promise I will talk about it at great length.
What was that?
I heard someone thinking to themselves that I should reveal more!
Ok, you win.
Here is what I think is around the corner for all marital couples with regard to digital communications.
Texting is inherently slow, sloppy, cumbersome, and relatively unsafe at times.
Now, I know some of you have fast fingers. But you can’t get around the fact that this style of communication is far from optimum.
What I believe will eventually replace it will be technologies that will allow for couples to selectively transmit (thru embedded chip technology) certain thoughts.
Ok, you are probably thinking,
“What the heck is Chris talking about”?
Let me expand the thought.
Embedded means chip technology that is actually placed under our skin.
Thoughts emerge from the electrical circuitry of the brain (neurons).
There will be controls and filters (e.g. editing and playback) in place such that you can select which thoughts you wish to transmit).
Only those outfitted and authorized to receive the incoming thought will be able to process the communication.
Of course, this type of communications technologies is still far in the future. But future is always moving and can arrive sooner than we all think.
Look at all we can do with our smart phones. No one imagined that would be happening 20 years ago.
Think about it.
Your husband or wife could be headed to the store and you could shoot (transmit) them a thought like,
Ok… Back to the real world..
Meanwhile, let’s return to the present world of digital communications in marriages!
Let’s get back to what texting your spouse is NOT ABOUT.
Your messages should not been long. Y
es, I know that you only have 160 characters to work with. But when you send too many long text messages to your wife or husband, you are doing little to make your text messages interesting, creative, and special.
If you have something important to say, call. Sending a series of 3,4,5 text messages stack upon each other is overkill.
You can disagree, but the seductive nature of texting frequently tears away at a couple.
Everyday, I see couples rarely making eye contact with each other.
Their smart phone becomes their new lover.
Hmm… Rather than going on and on about the state of society this video pretty much sums up my thoughts…
Don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of texting.
Any form of communication has it’s benefits and texting has several.
But there are also disadvantages.
It’s easy for couples to experience information overload as they become so attached to the mobile phones.
Once seduced by this form of technology, our relationship communications ironically can come under even greater strain.
This is primarily due to the hit and miss aspect of texting….. like to ships passing in the night.
It is nearly impossible to accurately convey what you really mean given the limitations imposed by texting.
Your spouse may often get mixed signals.
They may not be able to tell how you “really” feel about something given that text messages do not adequately convey emotion and tone.
Throw in our propensity of sending long, boring, rapid fire text messages, we have the makings of trouble in paradise.
A Little History Lesson on Texting!
I will show you a better way of texting your lover.
But first, let’s take a stroll down memory lane.
Do you have any idea why text messages can only contain 160 characters?
You would think it was based on some complex equation, right?
Maybe it was based on an extensive study of how humans best communicate. Or perhaps, there is some technical limitation to how many words can be used.
Nope!
It turns out that it was based on the average number of characters that were found on postcards that people sent out.
This one guy looked at a lot of postcards and concluded that there was an average of about 150 characters.
To double check this finding, an analysis of telex transmissions (i.e. by a telegraphy network for business professionals) was performed.
There is no limit on the number of characters that a telex message can have, but again the finding was that even telex messages consisted of approximately 150 characters.
To be generous, text messages were assigned 160 characters.
Aren’t we lucky!
Texting Gnat – Going Nuts At Texting
Some time ago I came up with a phrase, Texting Gnat.
It was meant to capture what I often see when I coach men and women in how they go about texting in their relationships.
Too often, a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife will become a Texting Gnat when factors conspire to cause them to just get a little crazy with the quantity of messages they are sending out.
I am not sure if it was during one of my Podcasts or if it was an email I received, but one of the visitors to my website (exboyfriendrecovery.com) reached out to me because she was truly inspired by my advice.
She believed that being a texting gnat was not only a common problem with many of her friends, she went further and turned it the phrase into an acronym for me!
She insisted that it stood for Going Nuts At Texting.
Or
GNAT!
I loved her word spin and the name stuck.
As I have said, there is undeniably a seductive quality to texting.
Sending texts and then waiting to receive a response can turn into an obsession.
The Pied Piper, Texting, and Your Marriage
Your mobile phone can be the Pied Piper of Relationships.
Once you get hooked on firing off message after message, the desire to send more can overwhelm you.
There are many reasons for why we behave this way.
Are you familiar with the story of the Pied Piper?
One version of the story has this individual dressed in colorful clothing, using his magical flute pipe to lure away the children from town.
Up and over the hill they went and through a valley and eventually into a lake where the children were drowned.
Now, I have nothing against colorful clothes. And a magic flute sounds pretty good to me as well.
I guess when you think of our colorful, and seemingly magical mobile phones, there are some parallels.
The moral of my story is don’t let text messaging govern how your communicate in your relationship.
How do you help your marriage survive this newest of communication devices?
Simple!
It’s through strategic texting where “less is more”.
That should be your melody.
So why do people so frequently turn to texting as their default for communications?
There are many factors that could be influencing your spouse (and yourself).
I truly understand why husbands and wives are seduced by the charms of texting.
The key motivators that attract us to texting are the following:
It’s inexpensive, easy and convenient
We can control when we respond and fire off and receive messages . Most everyone does it, so it’s cool in that regard.
We are Afraid
So we would rather text out the information as opposed to dealing the person face to face or talk with them on the phone. Our thinking is to avoid any “real” commitment to a conversation. With texting, we can slide in and out of conversation easily, steering away from being cornered. It just seems less threatening.
We are increasingly busy people.
Studies show that with texting on the rise and with the multitude of social media websites, humans are processing 5 times more information than before.
Being overloaded in life causes husbands and wives to use texting more frequently. The smart phone becomes our crutch in a busy, turbulent world.
We can just get the need to touch base over with an not worry about having a personal encounter. (the busy factor)
We may be poor at face to face communications
In order to cover up our poor interpersonal skills or the awkwardness some feel when they communicate person to person, people will use text messaging as a communication crutch.
We fall under its spell
This is the texting Pied Piper effect I discussed earlier.
Once you come under the spell of this communication device, its effect can be hypnotic.
Hence, the Text Gnat is born.
Trust me…we all have been a text gnat at one time or another. Unfortunately, some people live in this zone far too long and it can have very negative consequences in many relationship areas of your life. Some of my clients are so attached to texting they do it in their sleep.
Now, you may not fit all of these descriptions, though I bet if you are social media savvy, your life is much busier than it was for people your age 10-15 years ago. And I would also venture to say that you are almost certainly hooked on texting to some degree.
I feel certain that texting within our marriages will remain an important way in which we connect with each other.
But I advise most of my clients to dial down the number of texts and dial up the quality of their texts when you are connecting with your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend.
The Quality of Your Text Messages is a Reflection of the Health of Your Marriage
When texting first came upon the scene, it was hip, novel, and exciting.
If you had a special person in your life…. the two of you would just go crazy sending each other messages.
The first text message was sent about 23 years ago by a software engineer. Texting is pretty old technology by most standards.
Well, the times, ‘they keep on changing” and texting, while still a popular form of communication, needs a face lift on how it should be best employed to keep your marriage interesting and communications robust.
In a little while, I am going to walk you through some situations in which your can make better use of texting in your relationship.
Remember, “INTERESTING” is the key outcome you want to achieve with your texts to your spouse.
If you continue your present course and ONLY send the normal, somewhat boring…”touching base” types of text messages, what you will achieve is “mediocrity”.
There needs to be a paradigm shift in how you employ texting to attract, seduce, excite, and humor your spouse.
It’s time to up your game and learn “less is more”!
How NOT to Use Texting in Your Marriage or Relationship
Let’s take a look at the ways in which you should NOT use texting to communicate with your marriage partner.
These common traps often end up causing communications to go haywire in your relationship.
If you want the COMPLETE story on the Do’s and Don’ts of Relationship Texting…. then check out my ebook, “The Texting Bible”!
Anyway…here are many of the pitfalls husband and wives are drawn into. Look out for these traps.
Delivery of Bad News:
Remember, texting communications is on its face, often “impersonal” and vague.
As much as you think your are conveying your true sentiments, just know that more often than not, your spouse is on the other end of the message trying to wring out the meaning and emotion.
Text Fighting:
You want your text messages to hubby or wife to always represent a gem of good news or fun or attraction/affection.
Using texting to fight is juvenile and only serves to aggravate the existing situation.
Text Gnat:
Don’t be an insect!
Need I say more?
Over the Top Apology:
Over the top apology texts too often include negative comments about yourself and potentially commitments you may not be able to make.
Worst, by succumbing to sending a long rambling text apology, you lose some of your personal power.
You can come off as begging.
And that is not going to serve you in the long run.
Desperation and Begging:
So let’s delve into what texting desperation looks like. Oddly enough, many of my clients are not aware how they may be perceived when they fire off these types of messages.
And that is your first clue.
Never, ever, send off a text message in a moment of haste or when you are emotionally fragile. In this case, haste definitely leads to waste.
Desperate text messages end up wasting your time, your Ex’s time, and sets you back further. Back away from texting when you feel these very primal urges coursing through you.
The Ultimatum:
No one likes to be backed into a corner. Remember, we are all part of the animal kingdom and what do animals do when backed up and threatened?
That’s right…. most of the time they fight and strike back.
Of course, we are talking relationships here and whether the recipient fights back or cowers and is obedient…. just know that neither of these outcomes are healthy in the long run.
Why do some people resort to sending such text messages?
Well, it has a lot to do again with human psychology.
Sometimes when an intense desire to “get your way” merges with anger, we can get a dangerous cocktail from which ultimatums emerge.
So let’s just avoid falling into this perilous texting trap.
Texting in Anger:
Anger is one of our most primal emotions and more often than not, when your anger emerges, the Genie is out of the bottle.
But in this case, you seldom get what you wish for.
When you recognize you are filled with anger toward your Spouse, then redirect it. Don’t try to bottle it up because that seldom works.
Indeed, it can be emotionally and physically unhealthy.
Instead of focusing your anger outward, channel it into a physical workout or talk with a close friend or therapist to exercise the anger demon.
When Drinking:
None of us are perfect.
We can have too much to drink and before we even realize it, we have sent a message or two or three or…. you get the picture.
Now you may be thinking that this is not such a big deal. So what if we end up sending a message that is, ugh, let’s say, is not artfully worded. Not too much harm right?
Wrong!
Too often when our inhibitions are lowered by alcohol, we end up pouring out everything we are thinking and sometimes when that filter is removed, we misspeak or worst turn nasty or mean spirited.
This is probably the one category that deserves very special mention. The reason is because texting when you are drunk is one of the most frequent, common pitfalls people fall into.
It’s like the mother of all bad texting decisions.
When drinking, people succumb to sending angry texts, ultimatum texts, begging texts, annoying texts… basically just about every negative type of text can emerge from our psyche when we are tanked.
Avoid Text Confessions:
Some things are much better left to face to face discussion.
This one definitely qualifies. If you have something to get off your chest, don’t do it by text because chances are that you will never be able to adequately explain what it’s all about in a text message.
Why do people confess?
Mainly to relieve themselves of guilt. Like a huge weight, guilt can hang over one’s psyche and the temptation to expel it with a text message can be overwhelming.
Usually, texting a confession immediately leads to regret. While you may feel an initial feeling of relief, it will soon be followed by anxiety and regret.
Why?
Because sometimes you don’t get adequate feedback. The recipient may not respond to your message….. perhaps for a long time.
Meanwhile you are stewing over whether you said things correctly. Sometimes what happens is you do hear back from the recipient and they are confused, dazed, upset, angry, livid…. any number of reactions are possible.
So what are you going to do?
Send them another text and bury yourself deeper?
No, it’s best to steer away from confession texts.
Replacing Mobile Connectivity With Conversation
One of the common complaints I get deals with texting in the presence of your spouse.
Ouch, that can be a real downer if it happens with frequency.
Sure, there will be times when it can’t be avoided due to the criticality or importance of the information.
But when you are constantly texting in the presence of your husband or wife, they will invariably feel short changed.
There is only so much time in the day and if your spouse is absorbed with their text messages or engaged with their iPad, Facebook, or Instagram accounts…something has to give timewise.
Someone has to pay the price.
This is often a withdrawal from the marriage trust account.
I receive thousands of complaints such as,
“We never talk anymore”
or
“It’s like we live in the same house, but are invisible to each other”.
It’s a huge downer when you get caught up in the texting Pied Piper effect at the expense of your marriage.
When you add up all of the time available to connect with your lovely husband or wife, it turns out to be much, much less than you would think.
Studies have been done that demonstrate that after your take into account the time you sleep, rest, eat, play, work, attend to family matters, attend to hygiene matters, drive or fly, wait, shop, and many other things….. you only have precious minutes of quality time you can spend with your spouse each day.
I have found when I talk to couples about their lives…they have no clue that they have become prisoners to their habits and routines. Some of those habits and routines are destructive to their marriage.
Marriage Connectivity Game Plan
So let’s look at turning that around!
The hallmark of strategic texting for couples is all about quantity and quality. Send out fewer texts to others so as to not rob time you can spend with your wife or husband.
And those texts you do send to your significant other, MAKE THEM COUNT.
They need to be special and interesting. Less is more. Less texts…but much more interesting.
Bottle Up All Your Bad Texting Habits!
Here is what I would ask you to do. It will be fun, I promise!
Sit down with your spouse and write down your Shared Texting Vows on a piece of paper. In a moment, I will give you an example.
I know…. it may sound silly and maybe even stupid. But, do it because the symbolism and act of doing this together will get forged into both of your minds.
As a result, you become more committed to the things your write down.
Then I want you and your spouse to take this piece of paper and START CHANTING over it.
HOLD IT…. that’s not right!
That’s only to be done during a lunar eclipse.
GOT YA!
I was just screwing with you!
Please don’t chant over your vows.
That would be silly.
Well…actually if you guys really want to cement this experience in your minds you can chant if you wish!
What I want you to do next is to roll up the paper you have written your vows on and place them in an empty wine bottle.
Cork it.
Then you and your spouse can do one of two things. You can agree to place your bottle in conspicuous place in your home.
That way, when you walk by and see it, it will serve as a reminder of the promises you made to each other.
Or, you can drive out to a pretty lake or if you live near the coast you can head out to the ocean.
Have a picnic.
Frolic in the sand and waves.
And at sunset, toss the bottle into the water.
Now you are each devoted to do what you have vowed.
What might be the things you and your spouse are willing to commit to?
Remember, we are talking about those seductive, bad texting routines that can take us away from our spouses.
Here are some examples:
- Don’t Use Cell Phone When out to Dinner
- Keep the Devices off the Table At Home When You Eat Together
- Never Text Talk about Important Issues
- Put the Phone away on Dates.
- Leave the Phone out of the Bedroom (sex)
- Never succumb to Text Fighting
- Don’t Become a Text Gnat
- Surprise your Spouse with an Amazing Text
Make Your Texts to your Spouse Interesting
To keep the marriage magic alive, your texting to your husband or wife needs to become magical.
Remember, I don’t want the two of you texting more.
No, No, No.
What you should be looking to do is find ways to make your texting stand out.
What we want is for your husband or wife to be wowed when they get a text from you.
They should not get many in the first place, but when they do, it should make the feel very eager to read it.
They will feel this way if you have established a new routine of texting only when you have something very interesting to say.
Not only do you need to train yourself on how you go about texting in the future, you are also re-training your spouse on their expectations.
You want your husband or wife to expect something a little special when they get that text from you.
That is what will set you apart from everyone else that texts them.
This strategy will hopefully break the Pied Piper spell texting sometimes has on people and importantly, it can build a greater level of attraction between husband and wife.
The Texting Sandwich
While I encourage married couples to spend less time texting and more time with each other, a text message to your spouse can be a powerful attractor.
There is a simple, but effective technique I encourage all of my clients to use. It call it the texting sandwich technique.
Essentially, if you want to arouse interest in what you have to say, you sandwich the “meat” of your text between a shocking, attention getting opening and then end the message with “leaving them wanting more”.
You job is to entice your spouse to desperately want to talk to you because of what they just read. I realize you can’t do this with every text that travels between the two of you.
But if you are living by my philosophy that “less is more”, then there will be ample opportunities for you to “Wow” your spouse with something interesting, humorous or even titillating.
Condition your spouse to expect something interesting from you, otherwise if your texts are plain, boring, and just strictly informational, you may not even get a reply.
And then your feelings get hurt.
When you send your marriage partner a text, you want to condition them in such a way that they are thinking, “perhaps this text from her (him) is one of those juicy ones”!
There are a variety of ways you can accomplish this and there are many situations in which the use of strategic texting can ignite your relationship. I urge you to check out my e-book, The Texting Bible, to get the entire scoop. It’s 350+ pages of content which is impractical to cover here. But let me walk you through some examples.
Different Texts For Different Situations
Love and romance need to be nurtured.
You have to work at it, as its shape is constantly changing as the two of you change.
Hence you need to shape it in a way that keeps it fresh, sometimes exciting, and always beneficial to both of you.
This should be reflected in some of the texts to your spouse.
A couple usually has their own unique way of talking to each other.
My advice would be to keep your romantic messages short…not brief…but do not turn it into a lengthy kind of thing.
Part of being interesting is using the element of surprise.
So, surprise your spouse once in awhile with a heartfelt message.
To keep that sizzle in your relationship, it can be useful to send flirtatious text messages to your significant other.
Don’t do it every day, because the texts will lose their sting. But surprise your lover with a flirty message once in awhile.
It’s tempting to go the R rated or X rated route, but remember, the best flirt is usually the one that leaves more to one’s imagination!
Just Imagine what your significant other might be thinking after they receive something like this.
Imagine how quick you will get a response:
Humor is a great thing.
It keeps us more relaxed.
It allows you and your spouse to have fun together, which cements the relationship.
Humor is like a bonding agent that helps the two of you fuse together.
Surprise your husband or wife with such a text and you might just turn around what was otherwise a dreary day for them.
I think of humor texts as little puffs of joy you can pass on to those you care about.
The more you can personalize it, the better.
(then send a pic of a dirty dish telling them they forgot to wash the dishes)
(Then send pic of just dark screen, telling them it’s nighttime)
Most everyone likes a surprise.
And if you can leverage the mystery angle once in awhile, it can go a long ways in building this image of you being a really cool person.
I like to build in some mystery in my relationship by occasionally leaving these little clues.
If you do it throughout the day, it does wonders in building excitement and surprise.
Think of it as a romantic or mystery scavenger hunt.
You want your spouse to scavenge around trying to collect and answer the clues. Perhaps the prize is a candle lit dinner or a really sexy night at a fancy hotel.
The fun in all of this is not necessarily the prize at the end of the mystery.
It’s the chase.
If your significant other is chasing after these little text clues you leave, it can can be spell bounding and enormously exciting.
Are you ready to cast your spell!
Here is an example of a mystery series of text clues that can keep things fresh and fun.
You start off with this message:
This text will certainly result in a response.
But ignore it.
Wait 30 minutes and then send another text:
When the person opens the P.O box, there will be a note in there telling them to text you with the answer to a question only they would know.
Now you have them under your spell.
Send them this new text message upon receiving their text.
You should not have too much difficulty figuring out what happens next.
It suffices to say that all marriages benefit from Revitalization.
And making your text messages to your spouse stand out is one big opportunity area!
