Have you been getting the feeling that your wife is not attracted to you?
You might be wondering “why doesn’t want me any more“?
Why would your wife fall in love with you and want to be with you emotionally, physically, and spiritually, but then as time passes, the connection just doesn’t seem to be there any longer?
Has sex with your wife decreased significantly or utterly come to a halt?
What is happening in your marriage when your wife often avoids intimacy and sex?
It can cause you to start to second guess yourself and her as well.
Does she no longer find you attractive?
Are you doing something wrong?
Is she going through some stage?
Is your sex life as you use to know it, completely over?
I get so many questions from men who are trying to understand “why doesn’t my wife want me sexually anymore?”
Or they will ask, “could she be cheating on me“?
In fact, on that topic, I recently wrote an article about when women get mixed up in an affair of the heart. Take a look…
It’s a problem when your lover doesn’t want to make love. Sure, there will be times when the time isn’t right for her.
But when a guy tells me that he feels uncertain as to how to approach his wife and is sure his wife doesn’t want him to touch her anymore, there is usually something significantly wrong and the issues need to be identified, understood, and addressed.
It is tough when you come to believe that your wife loves you but doesn’t desire you.
So what should you do when your wife won’t sleep with you?
Can you make your wife want to make love to you?
Should you insist upon it, like it is her sacred duty to please your needs?
Usually when men talk to me about these matters they are eager for a resolution. But if their wife doesn’t want to be intimate with them anymore, the problem is seldom solved quickly.
What also matters is the nature of the problem between the couple. One should not start throwing solutions at a problem until you have arrived at a solid understanding of what is exactly going on.
As a relationship coach, my approach is to seek first to understand not just the nature of the relationship and when the intimacy issues first arose, but also what form do these problems take.
Does your wife frequently turn you down?
Do you and your wife have sex, but it is over with and done with far too quickly?
Rushing to solve problems usually bring about more problems or deepen the existing issue.
If you lash out at her for not wanting to be intimate with you, then you will likely compound the situation and never get around to understanding what she is thinking and why.
The effect of you grumbling and being critical of your wife’s lack of interest in having sex will usually create resentment and further divide.
For example I get a lot of complaints from men about their wives who they claim are depriving them of sex.
Chris, my lady has turned against me and doesn’t want me sexually. My wife doesn’t like being touched by me any longer. This whole issue came on gradually. I don’t think she has some hang up as it’s not been a problem in the past. I have not really complained or said anything yet, but it is becoming very noticeable from my perspective. I am thinking I should make a big fuss because it’s not right that my wife seldom wants to make love.
Hello Chris. I have a question about the lack of sexual relations in our marriage. The down and dirty of it is my wife never touches me anymore. She doesn’t seem to even care about my feelings or my needs and keeps coming up with excuses. I know something is wrong. What does it mean when your wife won’t show affection and pulls away when I try to touch her. It’s like she cringes when I reach for her.
My sex life sucks. My wife doesn’t really want to have sex unless we are both drunk and even then I can tell she just wants to get it over. It wasn’t this way before. Now I get a litany of excuses and frankly I am tired of begging for sex. We end up fighting about it and I get all worked up and admittedly say stupid things. I threatened her that I might just go outside of our marriage to get some and now she is completely rejecting me. I am lost for what to do.
Reasons for Why Your Wife Is Denying You Sex
So let’s get into it.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as a common reason for why your wife is acting like she doesn’t want you anymore.
There are all kinds of things that can happen and unfold within a marriage that can contribute to your wife’s decrease desire for sex.
Let’s call these things “triggering events“.
So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events.
You can usually put these triggering events into two main categories.
These events are usually either things you are doing (or not doing) that causes her to withdraw her affection and desire to make love or the triggering events are these things that are happening in her life (from her side of the equation).
What You Could Be Doing Wrong To Cause Your Wife Not To Desire You
I am often surprised at how some men are clueless to their wife’s feelings about a great many things and often these feelings can impact her desire to have sex with you.
Men and women emotional systems are engineered differently.
From your wife’s perspective, having sex is an expression of her many feelings and moods, driven primarily by your behavior.
Again, let me underscore, your behavior in its entirety and how you act and treat your wife is the primary driver to her wanting to be held, touched, and made love to.
This notion that your wife is reluctant to have sex with you because of her raging hormones or she is not in the mood is usually way off base. Sure, men and women can have spikes in their hormones. Our brain chemistry can impact our moods and desire.
But the triggering events for your wife will usually revolve around the emotional intimacy between the two of you. If your wife feels loved and is treated with kindness and made to feel valued and appreciated, her desire to connect with you in a physically intimate way is greater.
Most wives enjoys the romantic process. It is important through your actions that you demonstrate you understand her needs and appeal to her romantic notions.
You need to romance your wife’s mind, before being romantic with her body.
Men on the other hand are driven more by carnal desires. Men don’t read romance novels and if they did, they would go straight to the page with all the sex.
So consider if your approach to having sex with your wife is heavy-handed.
Consider if you have invested sufficient time in appealing to those things that matter to your wife.
When was the last time that you really listened to her without interruption for a long period of time
Even the smallest act of love, kindness, or appreciation can lead to a romantic evening.
Emotional intimacy with your wife is a prerequisite to sexual intimacy.
Here is one such example….
We spent a quiet evening together as you suggested. She was pleasantly surprised when I ordered some nice meals for us to eat and lit some candles and opened some wine. It is not something I usually do, but I decided to devote the entire evening to her and listened to everything she told me and encouraged her to share more. I am not unusually this way but decided to be a bit more romantic without it coming off as fake. I had no expectations of sex that evening and was happy to just make that night about her. It was something she seemed to know instinctively. Ironically, it was my wife who made the first move. It turned out we made love and it was out of this world.
But it is not always about being romantic.
Men sometimes push too hard and can get too aggressive and vocal about their desire to make love with their wife.
That can be the fastest way to turn her off.
Remember, having sex with your wife is not an entitlement. It is not something you have a right to have.
In her mind, having sex with you is a reflection of her own physical and emotional needs and sense of attachment to you. She makes love with you, not because it is her duty, but because she gains enjoyment from the act.
If she feels compelled to do so, your love life will be one sided and lack spark.
Lovemaking in your wife’s mind is also a reflection of the love she feels from YOU. She reciprocates this love by looking for ways to please you.
If this is not the picture of your marriage, then something is wrong.
If you exhibit far too many behaviors that are controlling or domineering, your wife will have less desire to please you and share intimate sexual moments with you.
Within the act of love is a powerful bond that holds two people together.
This bond is called trust.
So if there are trust issues in the marriage, your sexual relations will suffer. Without trust, a woman has no sense of security. And it is difficult for any woman to desire you if she doesn’t feel safe.
If you want your wife to be physically intimate with you on a consistent basis, you best be sure she feels secure with you, her environment, and what might be going on in her life.
Sometimes after conflict, anger and resentment can linger.
If there have been many marriage battles, these little wounds can add up and as result impact your wife’s desire to make love with you.
So take a good look at your part of the marriage and the things you are doing to make her feel loved, safe, and fulfilled.
Are you doing and saying things that encourage conflict or do you take on the role of peacemaker?
What Might Be Happening In Your Wife’s Life That Could Cause Her To Avoid Sex With You?
Stress and fatigue can affect whether your wife feels like having sex with you.
If she is going through an anxious period in her life or a lot of stress is bearing down on her, these things can get in the way of the brain chemistry that leads to sexual interest.
Another trigger that could lead to your wife’s lack of interest in you is her sex drive.
Sex drives for men and women can wax or wane.
While it is not always easy to quantify, given a person’s sex drive is not wholly independent of their partner, it can vary from person to person.
Husbands and wives can both experience changes in their desire to have sex given a host of variables including age, health, attitudes, and changes to their brain chemistry.
You have probably already heard that our brain is a human’s most important sex organ.
It is true and depending on how neurotransmitters are firing in the brain, your wife may be more likely to act on these hormones and move toward the sexual act.
How do you influence that?
This is where I need to emphasize the holistic nature of this discussion. How your wife’s brain will fire such that she desires to have sex with you is largely dependent on things like the history between the two of you and what you may be doing or saying at the time.
Is your mere presence and smell going to cause your wife to be sexually stimulated given the right environment or will she feel repelled due to longstanding resentments?
The answer to that question goes back to the kind of husband you have been and whether you have been making the right deposits in her romantic brain.
It is impossible to have this conversation without also pointing out how an affair can impact your wife’s desire to have sexual relations with you.
If she feels like you have been cheating on her, she will likely not want to touch you or be touch by you.
Her active mind will roll over and over again the images of you with this other woman and you can be assured that sex is just not going to happen.
Even if she is completely off base about you cheating, her suspicions may have aroused anxiety and uncertainty thereby causing her to reject you until the matter is reconciled in her mind.
Likewise, if your wife is having an affair, you can expect that the frequency and quality of sex will decline.
It usually does not stop cold turkey as she also secretly fears you may find out or be suspicious as to why she won’t put out.
If your wife is having an affair, the guilt of cheating on you and the sense of loyalty to her new lover, can also cause her to shy away from intimate contact.
With all these confusing feelings your wife may just choose to opt out of any type of sexual activity with you and make use of all kinds of avoidance behaviors so she doesn’t have to deal with it.
it is also possible your wife could be engaged in an emotional affair. This is a case in which your wife is sharing an emotional intimacy with another man.
While there is no sex involved, such a relationship can create close attachments and as result impact a marriage.
Closing Thoughts For Men Who Feel Rejected By Their Wife
I realize there is a lot to process here but before you assume anything or do anything, go back to first making sure you understand well what are the “triggers” to why your wife is showing less interest in you sexually.
If she truly doesn’t want you any more, then something has changed.
It usually isn’t just one or two things but often a series of events that have unfolded over time.
Getting to what is going on in your wife’s mind may at first seem to be an impossible task.
Often, when it comes to sex, people find it difficult to talk about things openly.
Sometimes couples are left to trying to deduce what is going on. This problem is compounded if the trust between the couple has eroded.
But it is imperative that if you and your wife are going to turn this around, you need to create an environment where she feels completely safe in talking to you about this most difficult topic.
She must understand completely that despite what she reveals, you will be supportive and will work toward making things better for her.
Also, if you wish to solve this problem, you must remove the notion that you are the “victim“.
There cannot be any sense of blame hanging in the air, otherwise whatever discussions you have will only serve to breed more distrust and fear.
Such a discussion should take place when you are both calm and are in a private environment where you won’t be distracted or interrupted.
Now, if you are certain the problem resides with your behavior…..that you are primarily to blame for her lack of interest because of some of the undesirable behaviors I discussed earlier, you should still open up and discuss the matter with your wife.
That doesn’t mean that all will be made good, but it is a first step and important to building trust.
And when we are dealing with your wife’s readiness for sex, building trust, as I described earlier, is critical.